J.P. Morgan

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Get your impoverished hands off me you grubby ape!!!

“I onsh found a pickle in my pocket, but there wash a hole in my pocket, sho I diveshted my corporate shavings and shecurities and shtuck them into financial venturesh.”

~ Connery Canard on J.P. Morgan.
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about J.P. Morgan.

(April 17, 1837 – March 31, 1913) born and raised in Sicklerville, KA is the founder of greed, famine and inequity. J.P. Morgan was also an American financier, loan shark, misanthropist, and erotic art collector whom eventually dominated everything in the world, financially, by the late 19th century. He was also chief venture capitalist of General Electric (GE) and co-founder of CHASE bank. In 1912, his estate was worth approximately 22 billion dollars in investments which today would be considered relative to approximately 4.3 Bill Gates'; however, J.P. Morgan's endowments to common humanity can best be described by the number zero. Morgan was particularly fond of collecting exotic and rare animal fesces (poop).

Before his death, J.P Morgan was regarded as the most valuable person in the world next to the mulatto circus freak formerly known as Prince. When he passed away in 1913, his pancreas went up for a 94 year time-delayed auction on eBay eventually selling for 800 shares of merchantile exchange commodities and $500,000,000 in crude oil which was eventually burned at great detrimental expense to the environment as a tribute to the life of Morgan. At relative consideration, J.P. Morgan ruled the world for a short period of time along with his beloved umbrella and wife; both of which, were poison-tipped, pearl inlayed with platinum stock, and supported a velvet parasol.


J.P. Morgan was born concocted in a cauldron filled with lima beans, tanis root, and paprika to five witches during a violent tempest in Kansas on the eve of Hanukkah, 1837. Upon birth, Satan baptized the infant J.P. in the same cauldron, only this time filled with pure evil, and granted him the power of total financial accuracy in forecasting sales, market share, and research development for the remainder of his life. J.P. Morgan was born a Jew but baptised as a Christian for unknown reasons.

Good Twin[edit]

Contrary to popular belief, J.P. Morgan was NOT born in Hartford, CN. This was his non-evil (good) twin brother whom he eventually had assassinated a year later by a team of Pinjas which ended up costing him 500,000 units in non-denominational pacifiers.

Owing to his precocious intelligence, at the age of 1 ¼ he was able to account for 99.5% of lost earnings due to his venture in illegal third-party chartering and tax-withheld for the remainder of his second quarter annual budget report. Little J.P. soiled his diapers with delight upon hearing this news when his toddler partner Andrew Carnegie voluntarily delivered his company’s first annual report at no pecuniary expense other than chocolate smeared corporate bonds he drew up one day in flesh crayon.

Evil Twin[edit]

The Evil Twin was J.P. Morgan in case you didn't realize that already.

Antithetic Twin[edit]

Never existed. They wouldn't have been twins if that was the case. During the infinitely rare conditional circumstances of an "antithesis", the remainder "twin" would be utterly non-existant and would result in the even rarer occurrence of a surrogate twin.

Aphex Twin[edit]

Had absolutely nothing to do with J.P. Morgan. Other than the fact that J.P. would've tried his best to sue Richard D. James for having used a moniker that was already owned, trademarked, and sterilized by a company that had even less to do with J.P. Morgan.

Pre-Mortal Ailment[edit]

In 1830 at the age of negative seven, little (in fact non-existant) J.P. Morgan was diagnosed with the pre-mortal life threatening disease known as bancer. Bancer was used in the old English dictionary because society hadn't invented the letter "C" yet until some Spanish guy said "Yes" and keeled over and died in a "C" shaped position (see Kama Sutra - Death Acts).

After birth, and several average-length years of struggling with bancer; young J.P. beat bancer and the five other infants in his maternity ward. His parents rejoiced at this portrayal of violence and allowed their demonic baby to eat the babies because all the hospital had to offer meat-wise was bacon and ham. The bacon was shouted into hell by J.P.'s parents for being anti-semetic but the ham managed to escape with minor injuries and a misdemeanor for religious intolerance.


In 1879, J.P Morgan began reorganizing business structures and IT management systems with telegraph search engine optimization in order to return them to profitability. Along with perverse loans under the deceptive nominal façade of “Structural Adjustment,” Morgan was able to subjugate these dying nations and turn them into financial slaves for his ever expanding business empire.

Surprisingly similar to World Bank and World Trade Organization profitability measures; J.P. Morgan has often been quoted as the sole inspiration for such acts of injurious corporate greed towards developing nations and communities. In 1958, J.P. Morgan's corpse was unearthed and awarded the Malcolm Baldridge award for quality excellence in management. This post dated the actual occurrences of "excellence" by over four decades. Morgan's reputation as a banker and financier also helped bring interest from investors towards the nations he subjugated. This resulted in more starving and unhealthy children which in turn made J.P. Morgan very happy.

Prototype of the MORGAN-D vibrating, pine-scented, "cactus cash" dildo/taser/bong invented circa 1913.


Despite having a mild obsession with money, J.P. Morgan also loved teasing small children with candy without ever actually giving it to them. Mr. Morgan relished himself 23 days a week with this gratuitous entertainment.

It was unwise to cross J.P. Morgan.

Circus Career[edit]

After becoming remarkably senile in 1911 following his invention of the .45 caliber Colt 1911, he ran away from his family with a traveling circus and began performing kinky on-stage sex acts with fellow GILFS and marauders. Despite his senility, J.P. Morgan’s ingenuity once again took over his consciousness and allowed him to become unceremoniously distinguished as the innovator of the pine-scented condom and vibrating prosthetic dill pintel which, in later years, became known as the prominent household dildo. These inventions gained market popularity, posthumously, to eventually revolutionize swing dancing and trench warfare. The author's mother being the first test peson for such an apparattus, died during testing. It took medical personnel almost 2 days aftewards to pry the contorted smile of pleasure from her face.


While traveling to the Vatican with his circus act, he was diagnosed with a small paper-cut on his taint which eventually turned into bancer, again (only this time it was called Cancer). After biking the Tour de France completely nude, with cancer, at the age of 76; he painfully died from rectal hemorrhages due to a "mounted bicycle-seat dildo mishap" while passing through Rome, Italy and completely avoided death from the cancer malady. He left all of his investments, heirlooms and artificial pine-scented appendages to the incumbent son of Satan; Satan XXVII aka Richard M. Nixon.

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