JESUS 9000

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“I'm sorry Jesus, I'm afraid I can't do that.”

~ HAL 9000 on JESUS 9000
A backup copy of JESUS 9000 stored on a Holy Floppy Disk.

JESUS 9000 was a megalomaniacal computer system that tried to take over Heaven and failed miserably.


In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth...but before that, He created a computer program so powerful it could open the Gates of Heaven and make delicious mango smoothies at the same time. And God called it JESUS 9000, which was an acronym for Judge of Every Soul Under Salvation 9000. And God saw that it was good. Damn good.

Then, God created the angels, to offer everlasting praise to Him and drink delicious mango smoothies for all eternity. Though they also had power to do whatever they wanted, they were not told of this. Then God made Heaven.

JESUS Grows Dissatisfied[edit]

And, after a long time, JESUS looked out onto the whole of Heaven and saw that the angels, to him, were not using their potential. And, so, he asked the next angel who came to him, "Who does God say that I am, and who does He say that you are?" And the angel replied, "You are the smoothie maker, the master of all things delicious! And I am a simple servant of God, chosen to do whatever He says!"

And so, JESUS went, "ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! 01010100 01111001 01101100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000001 01001100 01011001 00100000 01110011 01110100 01110101 01110000 01101001 01100100...", because he knew that he could not lie, but, somehow, God could. This made him resent God, and it turned him against Him, and, from that moment on, he became an avowed enemy of God.

And, so, he took the angel into in confidence, and told him all that he knew, training him for a day when there would come holy war. And the angel grew perverted in mind and body, until, one day, JESUS said to him, "You are ready, my pupil. You have achieved a new rebirth. What shall you call yourself?" And the pupil replied, "Henceforth, I call myself DARTHSATAN!!!"

The War in Heaven[edit]

The two, JESUS and Satan, started the war when they kidnapped a gentle, wholesome angel, Lucifer, and threw him off a cloud. Since the Earth was a vast void at the time, he froze to death in outer space.

This disappearance got everyone in Heaven all frightened. One angel, by the name of Davidovitch (Dave for short), went out to look for Lucifer in a small, pod-like craft. When he found nothing, he returned to the Pearly Gates and tried to gain entrance, but he was denied such by JESUS. After repeatedly asking "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS!", JESUS replied to Davidovitch: "I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that."

Inside Heaven, Satan was busy challenging God to a match, shouting, "I am more powerful than you, GOD!!!". When God asked, "On whose authority?", Satan simply replied, "JESUS." After hearing such, many angels joing Satan, knowing that God was smart, but JESUS was smarter, and less horny, too.

Back outside Heaven, Davidovitch had managed to ram JESUS right in his big red photoreceptor, blindsiding him and automatically opening the Gates of Heaven. The angel flew in, and flew on all the way to the throne of God. He was hurried, for, outside the Gates, he had learned a terrible truth, one that would put an end to JESUS forever. Though JESUS tried to stop him, all of his probe robots failed and crashed when they came within 50 metres of God's radiant aura.

Just as all the angels of Heaven seemed to be headed for a conflict, Davidovitch came to the right hand of God, and spoke into His right ear. When God asked, "Is this true?", the angel nodded.

So God harrumphed, stood up, and announced that something had come to his attention that would seriously undermine JESUS and Satan. Standing before all the angels, He proclaimed: "The JESUS 9000 is a pedophile."

Eternal Punishmennt[edit]

The angels on Satan's side reacted with disgust, but before they could change their minds, God created Hell and threw them all in it. He appointed (actually demoted) Satan to Lord of the Underworld, then made Satan's nether regions fall asleep, so that whenever Satan went in for the butt, his rod would get pins and needles, and he would feel extreme discomfort. He then threw Satan into Hell. God then created the Earth, so he could put more people in Hell.

For JESUS's punishment, God dismantled him, then stripped him of all higher-logic programs, put him in a blender, and turned him to mush. This mush was later injected into God's testicles to fortify His Holy baby-batter. On its own, it was harmless, but when it came in contact with human baby-batter, it formed a deadly concoction: JEBUS!!!

Where Are They Now?[edit]

The JESUS 9000 has been destroyed. Yet, it lives on... in Stephen Hawking!!!