Captain Jack Sparrow

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GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, the use of Spirits impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

This article is about the messianic figure. For the article about the non-messianic figure, see Captain Jesus.

“I just want more; I can't get enough of you

~ Tamia on Captain Jack

“Captain Jack will get Tamia high tonight”

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Jack Sparrow.


Captain Jack sparrow in pure, unadulterated form. He doesn't have anything to do with Johnny Depp at all.

HRH Captain Jackson Rheubus 'Magic Johnson' "Jack" Sparrow, 4th Earl of Schwann, of the house of Teague is the furrrst and current King of the Sovereign State of the Seven Seas. Loved by all his denizens, he has the highest popularity of any king in history. He came to power at the founding of the state in 1693, when the seas wurrre given thar freedom from the 'land states'. He also seems to be affixed with a jarrr of dirt, and often asks people to guess what's inside it. Their ponderrring as to what's inside is always promptly interrarrupted when they realize Jack has already stolen thar boat/valuables, so no one knows exactly what's inside. However, we're all sure it's awesome. However, recent studies show that one person has actually managed to take a guess before Sparrow ran off. Sparrow promptly ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chanti, ftftftftft.


Born and raised in the mostly Hindustani ghetto half of Tortuga to a whore named Armadilla and Governor Swann, Jack never knew his real father, until there was a documentary filmed about him called Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl. There is some evidence, in the form of Armadilla's livejournal, to suggest that it was Juan Pablo Montoya. Without a real father figure to discipline him Jack soon became a bully. One child from his class remembers, "Jack would as soon throttle you in your sleep as look at you, he was well loved by all the children and in turn the rum was well loved by him." Childhood culture was such that, at the time, murder was looked upon playfully (with the most successful murderers often becoming schoolyard heroes). Some high schools, such as the one which Jack attended, ran murder leagues, offering scholarships and galleons to the most promising students. It was thus that Jack obtained his scholarship to Tortuga Captaincy University and his first ship, the "Flaming Queen". Amanda Potashnick was his first true obsession. "many a night he lie awake in his bed, thinking about her" says his mother. Soon he became very distant with his family and spent every waking hour around her, before, of course, the restraining order.


Upon gaining a scholarship for murder at the Tortuga Captaincy University, Jack Sparrow quickly made himself a distinguished student. He was taught by Professor Gibbs on how to look cool and get juiced on rum. Gibbs noted Jack's enthusiasm at lessons when he would wake Gibbs at two in the morning, "He should have known better than to' wake a man when he's sleepin, bad luck", Gibbs reported. Professor Hector Barbossa taught Jack how to use a sword better than the Jedi and a deranged Sarcee Indian taught him how to use a gun. Unfortuately, however, the Sacree didn't teach Jack which end of the pistol was the barrel. Or what happens when you pull the trigger. Guess this means Jack's swagger isn't attributed to his lack of attending AA meetings, it's because he's got a iron ball wedged in his cranial cavity. Whoops. Soon after his encounter with the Indian's Jack embraced a vegetarian diet, not meaning the eating of only vegtables, but eating actual vegtarians, This diet then allowed him to be better than god at basketball. I like beer.

The Captain[edit]

Ater commandeering his first ship, Jack set out to kick and get some ass and take names. Unfortunately, his ship practically got destroyed or critically damaged by pretty much every other turd out there. So, he decided to commandeer the Black turd. This he did, and not 3 days afterward, the Pirate-Ninja War broke out. Jack arrived only after he heard about the destruction of the United Pirate turd and helped play a major role in the Blondebeard offensive. After he returned home, he found out that the turd had conquered the Pirates of the Caribbean in the Five-Day War. So, he decided to get his revenge on Disney. He took to the seas with his crew and sank countless turd battleshits, frigates, and flagshits with the Black turd. Eventually, he blockaded the port of the anus itself, the capital of the Disney Empire, and after a long battle, he sunk the defending Disney battleshits and he and his pirates sacked the city. Jack gained immense riches and global turds for this and forced the Disney Empire to give him the Seven turds or he would threaten to reclaim the Pirates homeland. This way, the Disney fleet was destroyed, and Jack was now King of the Seven turds.

The Black Pearl[edit]

The Black pearl is a not so real ship, rather a real boat that Jack misunderstands for a ship. He has the ship stolen every time so as to signify the end of the movie script and the beginning of another sequel for the Pirates of the Caribbean. In each of the movies, the black pearl is beaten down by either the royal navy or the flying dutchman and yet suprisingly still remains a ship to be feared. The pearl has been given to Jack Sparrow for a 13 year lease by Davy Jones after which Jack Sparrow will yet again lose the ship. Jack Sparrow is without doubt the worst captain the ship has ever had since his compass has never been able to locate the north direction. Since vice-Captain Barbossa has a compass that points north, Jack Sparrow succumbs to the crew and relinquishes control of the ship to Barbossa, making him Captain.

The King[edit]

With no one left to murder and no more rum to drink, Jack turned inward. He ruled the seas benevolently, passing laws and dictats from within his cabin aboard the Black Pearl, but was never seen in public. History is undecided as to what he did in his time as a hermit but most agree on one fact: he spent a large amount, if not all of his time, playing Sid Meier's Pirates! After 11 years of secrecy Jack made his first public appearance. The people rejoiced and a 5 month orgy ensued.

More recently Jack has been quite a public man; visiting the counties, whoring, playing backgammon with old ladies and kissing babies.

He is noted for his liberal policies. Recently after World War Two, he used the cannons of the Black Pearl to purge England of homosexuals and the Queen. Many realize that he could not have seized power without the aid of rogue Commodore "Sam" Norrington and Johnny Cash the Fifth.

Current Life style.[edit]

At the moment he lives his life with 5 whores including Elizabeth Swann and a ship full of rum and eating the bodies of fried Ninjas. He has won the title "Most Awesome Pirate Ever!" Award like 5 times. Like most other shell shocked Pirate-Ninja War veterans, he suffers from SNSS: Spontaneous Ninja Slaying Syndrome. This was confirmed when a young ninja named Genji attempted to start a protest against Sparrow, and was impaled on the end of his sword. He is also the Pirate King of being Bad Ass.

Captain Jack sparrow portrayed as a Raptor.

Captain Jack Sparrow was the ultimate downfall of not only The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but the whole of the Pokémon empire and Is currently engaged in a war with the numa numa guy and the monopoly man for the title "Ultimate Elite Fighter of The West Indies".

During most of his life time he has often been confused with a Raptor of some-sort. This is because of his strange hand movement and his clumsy footing, but some people say that he infact may be a raptor.

Jack Sparrow has become the idol and role model for a new generation of Somali pirates. At first, bootleg copies of his movies were smuggled into Somali pirate schools. Now, Jack Sparrow has teamed up with Anthony Robbins and they visit Somalia every month as part of their BE THE BEST PIRATE SEMINARS. For $800 or 50% of your next pirate ransom, you can spend a weekend with Capt Jack Sparrow and Anthony Robbins watching the Pirates of the Carribean movies and then receive personal instruction on how to be a pirate. The seminar ends with the attendees going out into the neighborhood and kidnapping inncocent people for ransom and making them walk the plank, or "plankwalking" according to Mr Robbins. There is always an open rum bar at theses seminars and is included in the price of admission. Upon completion, you receive a complimentary pirate sword and there is free job palcement on the next Somalian pirate ship leaving to rob, rape and plunder. Prospective pirates can contact [email protected]

In 2001, his ex-girlfriend and personal whore Jessica Rabbit dumped their 18 year old crack addicted daughter Miley Cyrus on him and ran away to Canada. She is now attempting to choose between shoes and chocolate to stuff Miley Cyrus with.

Til now. He is still looking for his rum.

See also[edit]

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Ninjastar.pngPIRATES AND/OR NINJASIcons-flag-pi.PNG

Pirate StormtroopersCaution NinjaClinjaGreat Pirate-Ninja conflictGuitar NinjaHowTo:Be a PirateHowTo:Create Laser Ninja SharksHowTo:Survive a ninja attackInternational Talk Like A Landlubber DayLong John Silver'sNinjaNinja/Laws Ninja conspiracyNinja GaijinNinja InsuranceNinja ManagementNinja PirateNinja-Pirate Assembly of GodThe One PiratePiratePirate kingPirate Liberation OrganizationPirate NinjaPirate radioPirates versus NinjasPirate-Ninja WarPontius PirateReal Ultimate PowerRobot NinjaSid Meier's Pirates!Talk Like A Pirate DayTMNTTeenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesTortugaUnBooks:Bloopy's Pirate DictionaryUnBooks:Ninja Attack Machine Gun FrostyVikingsVideo PiracyWindows Vista Pirated Edition

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People named "Captain"

America - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Raccoon - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video

note: jack sparrow

"i got a jar of dirt"

"why is the rum gone"

Johnny Depp Jack's Main Bitch[edit]

Johnny Depp is an actor who enjoys vigorous butt sex with Tim Burton. He was born in 45 B.C on April 13th. He is the sick love child of Hannibal Lecter and Orlando Bloom. A bunch of horny teenage girls who had no idea who he was till Disney pimped him out think he's like Jesus and Megan Fox combined into one hella kickass lifeform. It's actually kinda creepy. Anyways, he was raised on a moisture farm on the planet of Tatooine till Tim Burton came to bargain for some nice ass rape. He had to leave his pet liger Bobo and his collection of Sailor Moon memorabilia to join Tim for a batshit crazy movie. Johnny ended up being killed in one of the most fucking disturbing WTF WAS THAT? deaths known to man. As in, he was knifed by some carebears and then lightsabered into like a jizzilion (I said jizz. Tim likes to jizz when his boytoy Johnny's around.)pieces and then his remains were thrown around Neverland Ranch to be forced into watching High School Musical movies for centuries with Michael Jackson's pet cat Harrison's ghost. Fucked up, right? He soon came back to life as the Jesus for emo/scene/Hot-Topic whores by becoming one with Edward Scissorhands. He also became the brother of a mentally retarded Leonardo DiCaprio under the alias of Gilbert Grape. Not to mention getting his eyes ripped out in a bloody mess. How bout' them apples? He is clearly hiding something because of his multiple 'characters'. However, over the years he ended up being the same crazy bastard every single time. He was pulled back into Tim's eye-rape factory by playing a pedophile who made chocolate from Oompa Loompa's remains. But, then Disney gave him a sticker and a sugar cookie so he went to go whore for them. He decided to go as Jack one year for Halloween and they ended up making a whole movie from it. Him and Jack ended up becoming good drinking buddies and like to strategize together on Runescape. Soon, Johnny wanted some more fun-time with Tim. Tim glady welcomed him home. Johnny then played a crazy-ass emo bitch who kills people with Gilette razors. One day, Tim's wife, Helena Bonham Carter caught Tim and Johnny reenacting various scenes from the Twilight series 'novel' Breaking Dawn. She just decided to take some rad pictures and put them on Facebook. Johnny has recently made us WTF? by portraying the pedo-ginger-hat-wearing-freak-creeper-holyshitwhatthehell-dancing-dragaon rapist-theteaisactuallybooze-crackbaby-dumpsterkid-messedup character. Otheriwse known as the Mad-Hatter. He was last seen teaching some orphaned children aerobics. There are rumors that he wants to be even more original by playing the character, Poison Ivy, if they ever make another Batman movie. He has not yet commented on his butt-sex adventures with Tim that were photographed when the two were in the country of Turkey for no apparent reason other then to have butt-sex.