Jack Van Impe
|Part of a series of articles on|
A maloderous, cosmic being known as The Prophet, Jack Van Impe's show on TBN has received 35 Angel Awards, the Oscars of decent programming. It is Decency, an ancient and mysterious force, which is feared to be Jack Van Impe's most powerful weapon, and has baffled historians and archaeologists for over a century. No one has been able to crack the mystery of what decency is to this day after uncovering the weapon of mass desturction which claims to have been decent. His decency is therefore not only his most powerful weapon, but also a secret weapon. The UN and Canada would use Soviet and Saskatchewan Uranium weapons to defeat him if there was any proof he possessed any quantities of decency.
Old enemies of Decency, also known as Earthlings, which shockingly may be natives of Terra Firma, have raised Hell for the rest of us. Decency, a mortal sin according to Secular Analism has been a major controversial subject for more than 30 years. Christian natives of the Sudan have been known to be hunted down nearly to extinction for this crime by radical muslims.
Jack's armour, also known as Common Sense have been known to repel the most powerful attacks of Secular Analists, including their most brilliant tactics of cry babying and misquoting. Just like Decency, Jack's most powerful forcefields have been known to repulse scores of repeated insults, only to pelt the attackers on national T.V. Jack's species have been rejected by the other half of America.
Jack Van Impe was born in Crawdaddy Holler, county of Fife, to a family of terminally confused Cajuns. Raised on haggis and blackened oatmeal in a Scottish-Baptist-Kikuyu commune, he attended the Edinburgh United Free Church of Scotland Normal School until his testicles descended. But the one word which did not describe young Jack was 'normal'(balanced, reliable, unemployed, also describe him less specifically than Clockwork Orange) . At age 2 he weighed 15 stain (35 kilolumps) between the thighs, and only by wearing a Kevlar truss was he able to walk. This was at first thought to be an evolutinary flaw by the scientific community (conversely believed to be the makings of a humble leader by his mindslaves, or, 'followers') however soon it was debated in both communities whether on not he was human.
Then, a miracle. An itinerant Gypsy evangelical prayed over Jack's deformities. Enraged by the ethnic garb of the Gypsy, Jack leaped upon him and in the tussle he slipped onto a trolley track and was neutered by an Edinburgh streetcar.
Recognising the hand of the Lord in this, Jack Van Impe stood up and in that spot preached his first sermon:
"O ye sinners, remember, after the Rapture, at the Bema Seat, the bad is judged with the good, and the ashamed are present. As far as works go, these couldn't have been worthy or ready."
His own seat, of course, was more blemished than Bema, but who's counting?
The rest of the story is quickly told. Moving to the USA, Jack made a small fortune as a teleprestidigitevangelist. His act became famous, and in a performance before President Donald Belm he pulled a living Jesus out of the anus of an elephant. Jack Van Impe is credited with bringing 17,415 people to Christ, although 17,400 of them returned to Ba'al after the show.
It has been found that Devout souls, who have earnestly read the Bible (likely from cover to cover), who have watched the Jack Van Impe show will actually die laughing and are immediately at one with the Holly Spirit. Thus Jack is known to be the greatest religious commedian of all time.
Accordingly, Jack Van Impe had predicted the editing of this page by someone's quite originally developed analogy of conjuring something out of an anus, which had yet been developed by Uncyclopedia intellectuals. Of course, he had a jolly good laugh of the editing until someone was original enough to develop the conjuring Jesus out of an asshole routine as if it had not been deployed before more times than there are fecal matter cells in the editor's brain.
In April of 2004, Van Impe was wounded in a gun battle with rival prophecy leader, Todd Strandberg, from Raptureready.com. Strandberg claims that Van Impe put a hit out on him and he was just returning the favor. Jack Van Impe was also shot at in 1998 when he was leaving a prayer breakfast in Miami.
- "That's right, Rexella! President Bush's head cold of March 4th, 2003 was foretold in Daniel, Chapter 2, Verse 7 where it says "Yea, shall the keeper of Antioch rise and sit upon his throne with much nasal congestion" Later again confirmed to be a non-fatal illness in Ezekiel 71 verse 2 "Bush shall burn, it shall never perish of the cold". Glory be, isn't prophecy amazing!"