Jack and the Beanstalk

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Jack and the Beanstalk is a fairy tale which is closely associated with the fairy tale of Bitch Better Have My Money.

The origin of Jack and the Beanstalk is unknown although the author was almost certainly under the influence of drugs. The earliest printed edition which is the 1807 book, I Got A Cactus In My Pants And Personally, I Feel Like Smackin' a Ho. If the book actually didn't fall into a pit of sea urchins at the time of its scheduled release, it would have been banned in fifty-two continents and seven countries.

The story tells of a poor boy whose lack of common sense exasperates his widowed mother. She sends him to the market to sell their only possession, a Hoover Vacuum, but along the way, Jack meets a stranger who offers to buy the vacuum for five magic beans. Jack is thrilled at the prospect of having magic beans, so he makes the deal. When he arrives at home with his beans, his mother, in despair that they are ruined, throws the beans out the window, and the two go to bed without any supper.

Or sex.

Overnight, the beans grow into a gigantic beanstalk which reaches high into the clouds. Jack decides to climb the beanstalk, and arrives in a land in the clouds, which is the home of the giant who killed his father, Mike Myers. The giant senses that a human is in his castle ("Fee fie foe fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman."), but the giant's wife saves Jack because the crazy bitch has the hotts for him. RAWR.

Jack steals from a giant hen which lays golden eggs. Not the kind of eggs you buy in a supermarket. No, those ones are too fragile. And white. I'm talking about GOLDEN ones. They sparkle and stuff. Like glitter. Yes, glitter. I actually remember in second grade, I had to make my mum a Valentine's Day card with glitter. I accidentally swallowed the glitter and almost died. But I digress...

He climbs down the ladder and shows the chicken to his mother, and the two live happily on the proceeds from the hen's eggs.

Due to the fable, another name for a stark erection is a beanstalk.

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