James Beattie

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“What a waste of me he is!”

~ Space on James Beattie

“If I were to compare myself to a footballer I'd say I was James Beattie”

~ A donkey on James Beattie


~ Oscar Wilde on James Beattie

"Oh Sit Down" James Warren Beattie (born 27 February 1978 in Lancaster) is, supposedly, an English football player, who wanders around aimlessly for Stoke City. Beattie also had a brief stint in the music industry, with unpopular folk band Strikers? Are We Folk!

Football Carrer[edit]

Blackburn Rovers[edit]

Known as the 'Titus Bramble of strikers', Beattie was spotted, by Blackburn Rovers scout Stevie Wonder, loitering around on a field in Lancashire, eating a pie. He was immediately signed on a professional contract for a club record wage of 254 pies per week.

Beattie made his debut for Blackburn in 1996 against Arsenal, failing to score. He went on to make a further three appearances for the club, failing to score.


Beattie was signed by Southampton manager and pirate Davy Jones, in July 1998, for a bag of soggy chips and a Betamax video player.

It was at the Saints where Beattie suffered his biggest blip in form, actually scoring a decent amount of goals. This unusual form was blamed by Beattie on the poor quality of the pies on the South coast. Disillusioned, at the lack of good pastry products, and hungry, Beattie sought a move back 'oop north'.


Beattie became Everton's then record signing in the Janurary sales of 2005, costing a reported £3.57, a clapped out Ford Cortina and Thomas Gravesen's unrequired hair brush.

Beattie rediscovered his usual, abject, form at the Toffee Crisps, excelling at making defenders such as Titus Bramble and Jean-Alain Boumsong look like the next Franz Beckenbaur and Bobby Moore.

Everton manager David 'Gollum' Moyes decided to sell Beattie to Sheffield United. Moyes cited the groundsman's complaints of finding James Beattie shaped craters on the pitch, made by his efforts to lumber around the penalty area in search of dropped pies, as the reasons for his sale in the summer of 2007.

Sheffield United[edit]

Sheffield United salvaged James Beattie from Everton in a way akin to that of saving a beached whale, by using plenty of heavy lifting equipment.

He is currently their top scorer this season, although Beattie has vowed to rectify this as soon as possible.

International Career (yes he did have one!!)[edit]

Beattie made five appearances for England after boss Sven-Goran Eriksson lost a bet with then Scotland manager, and professional German, Berti Vogts. Beattie failed to score.

Music Career[edit]

During his immensely pointless football career, James Beattie found the time to be a part of the four piece folk band Strikers? Are We Folk! along with Carlton Cole, Carl Cort and Ade Akinbiyi.

The band was formed in 2001, when James was on a night out, on the pull, with some of his footballing friends/tag-alongs (Incidentally, Beattie failed to score).

Beattie was sacked and replaced by Francis Jeffers in 2002. In an interview with the big issue, in 2004, Akinbiyi revealed that Beattie was sacked due to his obvious lack of talent, musical or otherwise, with Beattie particularly struggling to hit a cow's arse with a banjo.