James Cook University

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Drawn ironically not by the art faculty

James Cook University (JCU) is an Australian tertiary education institution located in the regional center of Townsville, Queensland. Which is within the confines of the dry/wet tropics. Other campuses include, Cairns (aka Asian Invasion), Mackay (Welcome to boganville?), Mount Isa (Has a female [50% who are commonly mistaken as the opposite sex] to male ratio of 1:1,000), Thursday Island (Friday's are better!), Brisbane and Singapore.


Named after the explorer James Cook in April of 1970, the university has survived to the present day despite several storms including Cyclone Althea. Although this might be the result of the universities policy to build plain solid brick buildings that could withstand a nuclear fallout between Soviet Union and the United States of America. The university was built on the burial grounds of a local aboriginal tribe. It is said that, angered by this use of sacred grounds, the indigenous people summoned a great demon, Sandra Harding, to destroy the university and build in its place a cultural center and tavern.


Faculty of Arts, Education & Social Sciences

Students part of the Faculty of Arts, Education & Social Sciences revolve their studies mainly around alcohol and drugs. Ironically despite their profound 'knowledge' with the subject, their grades and professor feedback indicate otherwise.

Faculty of Law, Business & Creative Arts

Students that undergo a Law or Business degree are often not seen on campus mainly because of their realization after the first semester that illegal activities (selling endangered Julia Creek dunnart urine) is more profitable than the prospects given by JCU's academic standards.

Creative arts is a category (or rather a warning) given to subjects or degrees that have no practicality once completed.

The discipline of Information Technology is also a part of the Faculty of Law, Business and Creative Arts at James Cook University, despite having no relationship to the other disciplines covered by this faculty. Information Technology was formerly part of the Faculty of Science and Engineering but as punishment for playing too much World of Warcraft the school was forced to become a part of the Faculty of Law, Business and Creative arts by Sandra Harding.

Faculty of Medicine, Health & Molecular Sciences

Faculty of Medicine, Health & Molecular Sciences can be spotted by their germ mask and anti-bacterial hand gels that they sniff in an attempt to prevent air borne pathogens entering their body system.

Faculty of Science & Engineering

Geology students and professors alike, are often seen at the University Club studying the fine art of beer drinking. It is not uncommon for a lecture to be given at this same location. Incidents have occurred where students, unfamiliar with the rest of the campus, have failed to attend their final examination (where by regulation must be given in a formal setting).

Zoologists can be identified by their red eyes (rabies?)and stench from the previous night herping.

Similar but worst in smell, biologist, whose life ambition is to study living organisms discover that those organisms live all around us known as bacteria. As a result from this new found enlightenment, these students never take a shower for the rest of their lives as that would kill those precious organisms.

University Hall: Hidden from sight for a reason

Most but not all environmentalist are found with gas mask and anal probe contraptions to convert and reuse methane and carbon dioxide bi-products of the human body. The other portion of environmentalists, inevitably against global warming, try to disprove its hypothesis by utilizing the earth as an experiment (e.g. During Earth Day these individuals do not recycle or conserve energy but rather display their outdoor cinema mockumentary of Al Gore powered by a coal electricity plant from 1890.)

Engineers live in solitude and isolate themselves with their mathematical equations from the rest of society. Scientific research undertaken at James Cook University showed that 80% of these individuals became albino after their four year degree.

Residential Colleges[edit]

St Mark's Colleges (1965)

Examples used in the definition of stupidity include St Marks College.

University Hall (1967)

A large portion of University Hall comprises of Americans who come to a "third world country" to meet Australians only to find that they meet Americans who also came to a "third world country" to meet Australians. Food at the catering facility of University hall is equivalent to that being fed to pigs after it was denied from the prison system over health concerns. Extra circular activities involve beer pong, other drinking games, more beer pong and throwing up in St Marks backyard.

The John Flynn College (1968)

John Flynn College is a rebellious residential housing area because they wear gansta clothing and don't drink. A few outcasts jump over the fence to University Hall from time to time in an attempt mingle with its residents in an evil plan to steal their alcohol, only to discover that they stole a bottle of piss.

Paula Abdul connects with lower class citizens... she has a second job!

St Paul's Colleges (1969)

To enter St Paul college, one needs to provide a finger print, eye scan, photo and gps tracker (anal injection).

St Raphael's Colleges (1971)

Green Goblin: JCU Mascot

Warning! The apparent plastering of the ceilings in St Raphael's College is actually used condoms disposal.

Western Courts

Description best kept to containers converted to house students. It was built after Western Hall was burnt(which didnt work due to the cement construction) and latter bulldozed by unhappy illegal Mexican(Tasmanian?) who were smuggled into Australia through Paula Abdul's ass.

Rotary International House (1990)

Self catering complex that houses the least amount of international students. Its distance and unpopularity compared to other colleges has aroused rumors that it is secretly a cult organized by Kim Jong-il to establish a front in the western world. It is also said the first part of their strategy to conquer the world has already been carried out by infesting the campus with Yellow Crazy Ants.

George Roberts Hall (2002)

To get from George Roberts Hall to JCU campus requires a carefully planned strategy, roller blades and a rocket engine (brakes would be advisable).

Notable Academics[edit]

Green Goblin - Graduated with a bachelor of science in Engineering Disasters (1989).

Frank Pearce - Exchange Student from UCLA in game design, founder of Blizzard (aka World of Warcrack).

No other notable academics have graduated from JCU... It must be noted however that many world class drinkers have spawned from this place.


1. James Cook University Website

2. JCU Fan Club

3. Student Association

4. JCU Ingenuity