James Hetfield

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about James Hetfield.
Some Kind of Sea Monster?

James "I think he's had a few jars already, in fairness" Hetfield is a Secret Undercover Hillbilly, or maybe a Redneck guitarist, singer, and table for the band Metallica. He, the Mightiest of the Mighty Grand Master of All Hicks is eloquent, observant, and rarely prone to sweaty temper tantrums that result in whiny putdowns and childish door-slams, James Hetfield is a prime figure in metal. James Hetfield is clearly some form of Superior Being, and sings like a Demon. James Hetfield is Pretty Motherfucking Badass, and has many blonde-headed wanna-be metalhead prepubescent boys whose mom's dress them up in American Eagle who worship Him. The only person more talented than James Hetfield is Clint Eastwood. Anyone who claims otherwise has a can of WHOOP-ASS opened up on them. James Hetfield is also a notable user of the technique of playing guitar known as "up picking" he perfected the use of up picking by fingering Lars Ulrich's bumhole throughout his career with Metallica.

Early life[edit]

He was adopted by Spartans and raised by a pack of Wolves in northern California which later became a Hit Movie based on his Life. He resided there until 1981, when He met Lars Ulrich and started a Band called "Extreme Elimination Challenge Thrash Metal Supergroup for Worshipping Satan as Well as Extensively Masturbating over dead children," although this was later changed to the more readable "One Danish Knob and and a Metal God......and dead children".

James felt that "One Danish Knob and a Metal God.....and dead children" (as it was then called) could do with the help of another Band Member and soon recruited Dave Mustardstain for Lead Guitar and Background Vocal Noises. It was then that He met Cliff Burton who, contrary to Popular Belief decided on the Metallica Name, for their New Band...did you really think Lars was that clever? (actually, the original band name Cliff chose was "Metallic" but because of James having a habit of screaming "Aah!!!" after every other word when he sings, the name became "Metallic-Aah!!!") Eventually due to extensive Drug, Alcohol, and Physical Abuse, Mustardstain was thrown out of the Band. Literally thrown......in front of a bus.

Metallica Era[edit]

From 1983 to about 1996, all was God in Hetfield's Life His and was good; his life was good. Then Hetfield and other band members inexplicably rid themselves of that which gave them their power - their hair. Years would go by while James and Metallica struggled to bring back what fans called their "old sound." James became a heavy drinker. In an exclusive interview at the tv show "Jesus and pals" interviewer Jesus tried to convince him to grow back his hair and to start using drugs to get back to a more rock 'n roll image. This part of the show is never seen on television but a leaked version appeared on Napster a few weeks later. The final straw came during a spot on the Jeremy Kyle Show, where James revealed that his father used to "rape, drug, beat, shit, piss, fly and drive" the young Hetfield, who would then be beaten further as punishment for not being an acceptable all-purpose organism. During one of the later beatings, which occurred in 1998, James finally stood up to his father and said he would not tolerate any more abuse. He then offered up Lars as a token of his respect. Mr. Hetfield Sr. now utilises Lars' gimp skills while he and his virgin lover Christina Aguilera masquerade as seagulls and insert mouse pads into their anuses from 40 yards away from each other at the county fair.

Hetfield inc.[edit]

After James had recorded Ride the Lightning with Metallica, he decided to leave the heavy metal band and make his own shop. The shop, named after him, was "Hetfield Inc." They sold hats, lots of hats! The shop, however, failed miserably. Before the shop opened for it's first day, Chuck Norris saw the shop and broke everything. Hetfield's anger of is shown in his song "Damage Inc."


Metallica did indeed go back to their "old sound" by releasing no less than 4 disks of studio quality material of other bands' old songs, other bands' old songs played during the days when Metallica still had their old sound, and new versions of their old songs played with an orchestra. If that sounds confusing, you're not alone. The band subsequently hired a psychiatrist to help them through their lives' confusion and mental block on music. After realizing that he would have to write a full album of new songs for Metallica's 8th studio album, James, who was experiencing family and career difficulties, was driven to enter rehab for alcoholism and "other addictions," which included eating boy bands for breakfast and pop stars for dinner. James, in a period of desperation, also failed to try and say frantic in 2 syllables, ensuing in epic lulz people may also remember the hissy fit on the dvd "Some Kind Of Money Grabbing Cock Suckers" which sold 1 dvd btw.

Rape Those Iraqis![edit]

Since the last couple of albums have been utter Fuckbollocks, reigning US republican tyrant Barack Obama, from Texas, has decided to forcibly insert the vinyl releases into the rectal passages of Guantanamo Bay detainees. Now their arseholes are no longer as tight as Lars Ulrich's snare drum, thanks be to God.


On September 15 2008 Swedish broadsheet Göteborgs-Posten revealed that through extensive investigative journalism they had discovered that James Hetfield's beard was not real. For a number of years the people behind the iconic face gear of Hetfield were the research and development department of Swedish company IKEA. The story first emerged on to the Internet by Uncyclopedia's very own UnNews.

Modeling career[edit]

During early 2008 Hetfield started his own range swimwear, which he has been selling out the back of the tour bus after shows around the country. He has already earned $4,000,000 gross this year. But seems as he owes Lars $10,000,000 for all the blow jobs through the years, he has extended the 'Metallica World Tour' to bring his products to more of his fans.

Identity as a Table[edit]

In the time of the recording of Lulu, James was growing increasingly tired of Lou Reed constantly rapping over the original recordings and decided, after much deliberation, that the only reasonable response to show his distaste was to become a Table. He's quoted saying "I have to say, becoming a piece of furniture has been my best decision in a while. It took a while for Kirk to stop putting his Coffee mugs on me (I mean those rings are a Bitch to get out) but fuck you I'm James Hetfield." The other members of the band have shown rather strong apathy to his new status as a table, as the lack of a mouth, arms, and mobility in general make it hard for him to perform, which could lead to Lou rapping even more.

See also[edit]

Preceded by:
God of Metal
1985 - 1984
Succeeded by: