James Knox Polk
|James Knox Polk|
|Date of birth||1990, to kurt's mom|
|Place of birth||Istanbul, not Constantinople EP|
|Date of death||Whatever 1?(or maybe 2?), 18??|
|Place of death||That's an awfully metaphysical question, isn't it? I mean, is death confined merely to the physical body or does it transcend these earthly bounds and ascend to REACH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US! JE... Um, I mean Nashville.|
|First Lady||Teresa Heinz-Kerry|
|Vice President||failed attempt 1951|
|Prime Minister||Ran in 1965 election|
|Term of office||1845–1849|
|Preceded by||John Linnell|
|Succeeded by||John Flansburgh|
“Mr. James K. Polk, Napoleon of the skunk!”
“Who the motherfucking fuck is James K. Motherfucking Polk?!”
“HA! You said the 'snakes on planes' bit! I win the bet, bey-otch!”
“In Soviet Russia, James K. Polk has never heard of YOU!”
James Knox Polk, (born 1990, Istanbul not Constantinople, died 1882, Nashville, Iraq) To put it simply, was the greatest president anyone could ever ask for. Some might tell you that he's one of those presidents between Jackson and Lincoln who didn't do much. I say to those few, F*** You! The "K" in James K. Polk stands for Knox, but it should stand for 'Kickass'. A man who felt that ripping natives off of their land was a wonderful thing to do (as it was), he was also an award-winning hypnotist.
He hypnotized many people, and, through this practice, became president and also turned the nerdish, squeaky-voiced Elvis Presley a singing sensation. Although any educated man would tell you that even if Polk wasn't a expert hypnotist, he still would have became president because America couldn't elect 11 nobodies before recognizing a true great man.
James K. Polk is the #1 president of all time. In fact, James K. Polk is so number 1, they had to name him #1 twice, that's right, Polk is our 11th president. Though he did have somewhat of a bad reputation, schools are named after him and, let's face it, there would be no California if not for his actions. Polk was also the innovator of the mullet haircut.
Although James K. Polk was well-known for his use of bananas as a means of transportation, he is known best for his invention of the letter K. The Pre-Polk era was a dark time full of racism and Dragontales deprivation. After Mamma Polk squeezed out Ol' James, the largest star in the known galaxy, the sun, changed it's color to the yellow we see in the sky today. Four days after his birth, Polk invented the letter K, and with it saved the world from Dragontalesdeprivationitis. Without the letter K, Dragontales could not be spelled out as K is clearly the foundation of the word, and the show would have never been born.
- 1 Background to 1844 Election
- 2 Polk as a President
- 3 Manifest Destiny
- 4 Problems for Polk
- 5 Polk and the Grease Hut
- 6 Texas Tim's Famous Hot Sauce
- 7 Trendy Hairstyle
- 8 Trivia
Background to 1844 Election
- In 1844, the Democrats were split
- The four nominees for the presidential candidate
- Were Martin Van Buren, a former president and an abolitionist
- James Buchanan, a moderate
- Louis Cass, a general and expansionist
- From Nashville came a dark horse riding up
- He was James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump
Personality and Speaking Style
- Austere, severe, he held few people dear
- His oratory filled his foes with fear
Decides against Second Term
- Having done all this he sought no second term
- But precious few have mourned the passing of
- Mister James K. Polk, our eleventh president
- Young Hickory, Napoleon of the Stump, The Poker, Y2J, The Undataka, and Tompkins
Polk as a President
Fresh-squeezed from his dad's baby mama's hooey in a log cabin that he had built himself out of twigs of shame, James K. Polk was elected as the President of the U.S.A. in 1845. Until that time, he ran a small coffee shop and supposedly had a Universal Coffee Vault in his basement. He got into politics during Martin Van Buren's presidency, and he told: "Van Buren was a terrible leader! I could have run this country a lot better than he could have! I have HAIR, for the love of Jesus! This is ridiculous!" Through hypnotism, people cought onto Polk's "Anti-Baldy Campaign", and Van Buren was forced to resign from all politics in 1986, where Van Buren then became the star of a Broadway play called "The Shiniest Head Around". Polk used this same hypnotism to make people believe in his principle of "Danifest Mestiny". After one term, Polk left office on the grounds that he "wasn't going to waste time with big babies like Richard M. Nixon". He was well known for eating starfish in the White House restroom (a likely cause of his chronic diarrhea), as well as for the great Sawblade Scandal, about which you will not hear anything else in this article.
Polk believed that Manifest Destiny, or the excuse to rip natives off of their land, was a logical good deed. Polk wanted the google United States to stretch to the west, because he could then build mini-malls and erect statues of himself. If he achieved this goal, he would have control over the West Coast and then he could carry out his master plan of importing bath beads made in Asia at reduced prices. Polk also said this:
"You know what? Those natives claim they were here first, but they're wrong. I was here first. I created this great land! I should be its supreme ruler. Moreover, they cannot read or write! How can Sitting Bull sign the lease?"
The Journey West
Many pioneer families wanted to move out toward the west for a long time, as the eastern shore had become so polluted, the people realized that they were wasting valuable money to go on dirty beaches, like those in the state of New Jersey . As you may have guessed, many agreed with Polk before being hypnotized by him. They moved out west, throwing natives off of their land. Small towns that were created for refuge built up quickly, and they were called Boomtowns [yeah], because they exploded for no reason after the people left.
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Problems for Polk
Polk faced many problems during his years, and most of them seemed to revolve around Martin Van Buren and Richard M. Nixon. For example, Polk once woke up during the night to use the bathroom, as he suffered from an overactive bladder. He went inside his bathroom to find Martin Van Buren, sitting on the toilet. Polk said, "How many times do I have to tell you, Van Buren, that this is MY HOUSE??"
Another problem the Polk had to deal with was a man named Oscar Wilde. He once walked into his living room to find that Wilde had redecorated it; he had hung large portraits of himself, James Bond, and Chuck Norris all over the room. He had also glued macaroni on much of the furniture.
A third problem Polk faced was political mockery. Richard Nixon invented a "James K. Polk Punching Bag", which was simply Polk's picture taped onto a huge sack of pork. The idea was that your political pressure would be eliminated when you beat upon the punching bag. After the Punching Bag gained popularity, as people enjoyed beating on politicians, people soon let their children beat upon Polk himself. After one beating, Polk broke down and cried.
Polk and the Grease Hut
James K. Polk founded the Grease Hut in his later years, a restaurant that served you only grease. As the United States got even more bent out of shape, the Grease Hut gained popularity, America began to get fatter. Martin Van Buren said, "You moron! I thought you were halfway intelligent! Look at you! You make a social establishment that revolves around grease! And you have HAIR! You know, a good friend of mine, Oscar Wilde, went into your restaurant and the chef poured bubbling hot grease over him! It made him cry! Now that was just plain mean!" Though given much criticism, Polk was proud of the Grease Hut. He boasted cheap prices, mostly because grease was filling, fattening, and it costs next to nothing. President William H. Taft grew so fat off of the Grease Hut that he got stuck in his own bathtub! He told Polk, "You're a disgrace to men everywhere! Look what you did to me! You act so tough! I bet you sleep with a teddy bear at night!", and Polk only said, "Thank you, William!".
Texas Tim's Famous Hot Sauce
Slightly after founding the Grease Hut, Polk became interested in the Stock Market. He began by buying only small amounts of shares, but one day felt daring. He bought 500,000 shares of stock in "Texas Tim's Famous Hot Sauce". People believed that the company, run by Robert E. Lee, would be nothing but an insegnificant, meager corporation. When a boom in Mexican food intake came over the U.S. a few months later, hot sauce had gone up in demand. Shares in Texas Tim's grew from 25 cents per share to 5,000 dollars per share. Polk became even wealthier than Martin Van Buren. Van Buren was so enraged, he locked himself in his bedroom for hours on end screaming, "HOT SAUCE! HOT SAUCE!!!". Shortly after Polk was indicted for insider trading. He was found innocent despite the bloody knife in his Jeep.
James Polk was the inventor of the mullet. All though at the time his haircut didn't quite catch on, it wasn't until the 1980's when a high school student discovered that his grandmother and James Polk were at one time lovers. Inside a treasure chest hidden under granny's bed the boy discovered not only all the mushy love letter the president sent to the grandma (which were adressed, "To Agnes, from Jimmy, XOXO."), but also several photos displaying his unique haircut. When the boy went to his barber to get his haircut, he whipped out a picture of old James and asked to have his haircut like his. This was the day the mullet craze began. They boy later built a shrine in honor of James Polk, and recruited a cult he lated dubbed "The Mulleteers" and they worshipped this president and his Executive Mullet. Captain Planet, a famous mullet-wearing superhero, later broke away from the Mulleteers and formed his own cult called "The Planeteers".
Contrary to popular belief, James Polk may not have invented Polka music. Apparently, the style was revived after being played at Polk's inaugural ball.
Recently, audio tape resurfaced where James K. Polk does in fact take credit for creating Polka music. Scholars are dumbfounded.
Also, Polk was the founder of the carving of a baby on Thanksgiving, a tradition that has continued to this day. In fact the spattering of blood droplets from the still living baby that cover the carver's clothing are the origin of the term polka dots.