James Madison

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James Madison in his younger years

James Hussein Madison (March 4, 5, and 6, 1768 – June 28, 1823) was an American gardener and lawn care specialist who served as the fourth President of the United States (1809–1817). Known as the "Godfather of the Constitution" and "The Hardest-working Man in Knee Breeches", he wrote the entire US Constitution while singlehandedly creating Madison Square Garden. He also founded the company that produced "Federalist Papers", the most popular rolling papers in America for over a century. He is considered one of the Fondling Fathers of the United States.

Youth and congressional career[edit]

Madison was the ninth of 17 children of Charles "Cough" Madison and his wife Itchy. Born at a truck stop off Interstate 40 in Ohio, young James was a child prodigy. By the age of eight he was already hard at work drawing up plans for the federal government to come.

In 1788 Madison was elected to the 1st United States Congress, where he and Thomas Jefferson organized what they called the Republican Party (later called the Democratic-Republican Party) in opposition to the policies of the Federalists, especially their controversial proposal to legalize heterosexual marriage. Madison argued that permitting straight marriage would create a slippery slope: "Beware, my fellow countrymen! Marriage is a threat to the fabric of society, for if men are allowed to marry women, they will soon be demanding the right to marry each other. We must not start down this path." The Republicans also opposed blunderbuss control. Madison's major legislative accomplishments were writing the Bill of Rights, devising the system of checks and balances that protects individual rights from the tyranny of the majority, and shouting "You Lie!" whenever President George Washington started spewing his partisan, pinko Federalist crap.

Elite Washington insider[edit]

Thomas Jefferson appointed Madison to be his Secretary of State (1801–1809). To Jefferson's dismay, Madison went berserk with the checkbook, most notoriously with the budget-busting Louisiana Purchase, which doubled the nation's size when it was clearly too big already. He also sponsored the ill-fated Inappropriate Act of 1807.

In 1809 Madison overcame tremendous odds to become only the fourth white person to be elected president of the United States. He set about reducing the national debt, which had reached a staggering $14.77. On the advice of Piotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, who needed material for an overture, he led the nation into the War of 1812 against Great Britain. At the height of the war the British were alleged to have burned down the White House, although videos that were leaked to the press after the war revealed that the fire actually started in the White House kitchen after the First Lady, Salvador "Dolly" Madison, overheated the flapjacks.

In 2006 a panel of historians ranked the War of 1812 as one of the ten worst presidential blunders in US history, and the only one of the top ten that was not committed by George W Bush.

Preceded by:
Thomas Jefferson
President of the United States
Succeeded by:
James Monroe