James Rolfe

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James "AVGN" Rolfe
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about James Rolfe.

James Rolfe is the creator and mastermind behind the popular internet character "The Angry Video Game Nerd", previously known as "The Angry Nintendo Nerd" and more before that as "The Guy Who Irate Gamer rips off". James created the Angry Video Game Nerd character in 2001 as a joke amongst his friends about a man who is pissed off about his childhood during the times he played badly made Nintendo games on the NES. Since then, James has gone on to bore the shit out of most people by abandoning most of the Nerd videos and instead posting videos of him smiling with his dickhead friends, in a snore-fest of endless "Ehh, any old thing will do for you dickheads that would wipe my bum with your tongue if I ran out of toilet paper, then run off and blog on my site about how awesomely green to the environment I am".

“Never trust quotes you read on the internet”

“What the fucking shitty fuck-fuck did that last quote have to do with me?”

“Oh boy, what I wouldn't do to be able to drink James' semen. It would make my life complete”

~ Average Die-Hard AVGN Fan

Gonnah Take You Back To The Past[edit]

The Nerd To Be[edit]

A crude reenactment of that special day in 1980

James was born July 10, 1980 in New Jersey, USA. He was pretty much conceived the usual way; his dad stuck his dick in his mom's vagina and didn't pull out in time, so nine months later James popped out of his mommas cunt. The first thing he did was bitch and complain that he was cold, and then he went to other things like the taste of his mothers milk was not to his satisfaction, and that The Dukes of Hazzard was an unrealistic piece of monkey-shit, because cars do not make skidding noises, like on asphalt, when they are speeding along dirt roads.

James never lost this hatred of things that are bullshit. During his induction day at Kindergarten James wrote a three page long letter in red crayon expressing his anger at the cafeteria for not supplying enough straws for the milk boxes they were drinking. He then expressed his anger towards a fellow student named "Chris "Stinky" Bores" who James said he copied one of his drawings of a a turd with fur on it and Chris told the teacher that James had copied his work. The teachers believed the bogus story Chris told them, and sided with him, to which James was then suspended from Kindergarten for 2 weeks when he said, and quote; "What a shit-load of monkey fuck this is... and I don't like it."

For James 7th birthday, he received a brand new home video game console, the NES (Nintendo). The console came with Super Mario Bros and Duck Hunt. This seemed to calm down James' anger towards anything and everything, and he finally found something that he enjoyed doing. For weeks on end James would play the video game until Christmas time when Santa brought him a brand new NES game entitled; "Top Gun". His relatives had not even arrived yet for the family luncheon before James had become so enraged with how bad the game was that he was using the zapper gun to blow off all but his middle finger to give his opinion on what he thought of the game.

Over the next few years, James would only be a calm and normal boy when he got to play a good video game, but all hell would break loose and he'd invent new English cuss words as he expressed his anger towards these shitty games the only way he knew how. His mother to this day cannot thank Nintendo enough for the creation of Super Mario Bros 3.

High School Nerd[edit]

James at age 12

In the 8th grade, James figured he was ahead of his time, and that no girls where interested in a violent video-game playing sociopath. Therefore, James needed to venture into some other activity in order to meet women. James figured he only had two passions in life; the first being the obvious, video games; and the second being porn. Don't hold this against James tho, you need to remember he was in the 8th grade, and every boy wanted to be Ron Jeremy... well, his occupation anyway, no one in their right mind would wanna look like that of course.

James joined the high-school film department and borrowed a camera to make his first movie. He figured he had seen so much shitty porn movies that he could make one that was just as bad on his own. He recruited a couple of the schools cheerleaders and a French foreign exchange student and become filming his first short feature; "Attack of the Killer Lesbian Vampire Zombie Girls from Outer Space". This 35-minute short can be viewed on the Cinamassacre website today, and receives quite a few thumbs-and-all-up votes... but back in 1985, this kind of thing was too far ahead of its time. It was deemed complete filth and smut. His film-school teacher Mr. Smith said it was just completely sexist towards men and that it was a disgrace none of the Football team, or himself, was involved in the project... or at least allowed to watch the filming production. Furthermore, James was suspended from school for 3 weeks because in order to get the girls to act in his movie, he promised to give them a very special gift at the end of the filming. However, in the end, James just painted a green mushroom on the end of his dick and offered the girls an endless supply of 1-ups. An offer to which the girls refused and told James he probably should have used a red mushroom instead. They then went and complained to the principal that James was a perverted nerd and they wanted to shove his movie up his warp zone pipe.

After that incident, James short films would pick up from then on, and get a little better each time. In the 11th grade he remade his original film with a new and younger cast and changed the title to "James Rolfe and Mr Smith present: Attack of the Killer Bisexual Vampire Zombie Girls from Outer Space do the whole Football team". This time he received an A++ and a scholarship to TCNJ. He had also mastered how to get girls to act in his porn movies for him. James practiced the art of Jedi Mind Tricks. He would say to the girls, "I want you to be in my movie, naked, and afterwards we will have sex, together." To which the girls would first reply, "Fuck off, Nerd. We will not be in your movie, we will not get naked, and we will never have sex with you" to which James would then stare into their eyes, raise a finger gesture like he was holding a peanut and say, "But you do want to be in my movie, take all your clothes off, then have sex with me afterwards". This caused an endless time loop where the girls would laugh and repeatedly say "no" as James kept waving his hand in their face, saying the same words over and over again. James eventually realized these bimbos had stronger minds then he thought, so he resorted to the only thing a broke, beginner film maker, small dick virgin could do... he used date rape drugs, and become a terrific stop motion artist to make their bodies move on camera as he desired. James was an excellent animator of unconscious actors. And who said Video Games don't have influences on kids?

College Nerd[edit]

The Strip Zelda nights where wild College times according to James

James spent 4 years at the The College of New Jersey where he majored in film making. He made quite a few short features and one major movie entitled "Chris Bores can suck the monkey-cum out of my ass and snowball it with his mom". The movie was about James built-up anger from his much younger days, and was also the first movie he made that was not XXX rated. The movie won the best runner up for the "Sundance Short Film Festival in 2001. Coming second to the year's winner; "Filming the corner of my bedroom where two walls meet".

During this time, James also created a small short film about him blowing his top off at how much some of the NES games he had played where". The short was called "Angry Nintendo Nerd spews shit out about how much Castlevania II sucks". The short was only to be passed around by his friends to warn new-friends that this guy has a short temper and if he doesn't like you, he will invent new words to express his inner hatred towards you. It wasn't until May 16, 2004 that, as a joke, a friend of his put the video up on Youtube that James found his calling in life. To this day, that video has spawned over 5 million views across the world. This was the beginning of how James was going to be able to continue to make pornographic and horror movies for life, without the fear of having to actually go and work a normal job from nine to five... lucky bastard.

Playing Shitty Games That Suck Ass... for a living[edit]

The Angriest Gamer You Ever Heard.

He'd rather eat the rotten asshole, of a road kill skunk, and down it with beer??? That's just fucking disgusting!

~ The chicks from the two girls, one cup, video

With the phenomenal success of the first viral video, James figured he would make some more videos of himself getting angry at shitty games he hated as a kid. Soon new titles as "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde", "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" and "The Karate Kid" followed, each gaining James more and more popularity with internet folk. But it was when he reviewed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that he went beyond viral. People stopped laughing at how pissed off this guy was, and actually started to find it humorous. A particular line of "Shredder is my balls, and Splinter is my ass" had people rolling on the floor laughing. I guess you had to be there at the time, it has lost its novelty now, but it did manage to make James' Angry Nintendo Nerd videos go so viral, he became the #1 most viewed YouTube user in six countries, quite an astonishing feat for someone who isn't being viewed because they have gigantic tits. For more info on the AVGN, please see the following article here.

Nerdlings: The Nerd Fan Base[edit]

Need we say more?

Stop trying to be the Angry Video Game Nerd.

~ AVGN Nazi's on anything related to an online commentary for a video game.

James has gone on to make so many more of these Angry videos and is still going strong... sort of... to this day he has created over 100 of these things. However, when we look back through the list, let's be honest, only a small handful of them are actually worth watching. It became apparent to James that he was running out of ideas for new cuss words to make up, I mean, how many times can you combine a bunch of random cuss lyrics and expect people to laugh? Well, for your information, quite a fuck-fisting lot actually! James has one of the most unique fan bases in the world. They no longer care if it is James the Angry Nintendo Nerd, or that he changed it to The Angry Video Game Nerd because Nintendo games were not the only console that made shitty boggle fuck-farting diarrhoea-of-the-asses-ass games... Nope, his fans are so dedicated now that James could just have two shitty CGI graphics fighting in space, call it "Star Wars 7: Fuck Hope" and fans would not only vote it 5 of 5 stars, but think it was even better then the George Lucas originals. Nerd Nazi is the term used for all those AVGN fans online who flame and cuss out anyone who uploads a video onto the net with any sort of commentary or review for a video game. Apparently, James is the only person allowed to do such things these days.

Nerdling Suckers[edit]

"Wanna insert a coin and press start?" - Only an AVGN Nazi would respond to this with "You don't need coins to play a NES game you cum guzzler.

When he started gabbing off in German, I caught 'Das Spiele ist Scheiße'. Which means 'this game is shit'. Then he said something about fuck.

The phenomenon of the AVGN has grown so big, that when you reach the top, there is nowhere to go. James has realized this, and decided that instead of admitting he is not coping as well with creating new cuss words to combine for reviews, he is posting more and more random and useless videos that somewhat relate to the nerd, but not quite. These days James is making the most boring videos known to man and posting them weekly on his website. James figured this trick out when he realized his Nerd character had brought him so much fame and fortune, that he could upload any old shit to the net, and his die-hard fans would offer to wipe his butt for him. He proved this theory in 2008 when he uploaded a non-nerd video where he was just juggling a ball on a split screen camera. The video generated over 3 million hits in the first 6 months alone, leaving James to contemplate how to get fans money without the need of using special effects for his Nerd videos, which is time consuming, and just bending over at a camera and letting whatever putrid pile of shit flows out for his obsessed fans to enjoy.

In 2012 alone, James has posted 27 cheap "nerd like" videos of him and his homosexual friend sitting around and laughing about how shitty some games are. His fans are too stupid to realize this is not classic nerd, but instead sit through the 15 minutes of boring and useless crap as James and his friend laugh at how dumb something is, without the comical aspect of what made him a star. These videos are more like a reality TV show of how gay James life is, and how the people he hangs around with are, well, limp-wristed tale-gunning, poop-smothering, chocolate doughnut punching, visitor to Vegemite valley, rim raiders of the lost ark found ass lickers.

If the videos being posted are not of what was just mentioned, then it is old footage from years ago as James sits around and scratches his balls for an hour, or a video he made of his cat where he lifts up it's back tail, and reveals the cats behind, saying, "how ironic, it's the pussy of the pussy"! James also used to create other videos that only his fans would enjoy, such titles as "You Know What's Bullshit" where James would rave on for an hour about how hard it is for him to open the flaps on orange juice cartons, or a Hamburger contains no actual ham and invented a few hundred words they should be called, such as; shit burger, ass burger, fuck burger, cunt burger, bitch burger and burger-burger... it was clear to most viewers James was losing his creativity with inventing more intriguing and subtle word replacements.

Soon James to plan to retire the AVGN character completely by making a movie. Then uploading it to YouTube one year after its release. Then slowly over time upload the bonus features, then create a commentary track, probably with a friend next to him who had nothing to do with the movie, then post all the outtakes before realizing he has nothing left and just posts videos of himself eating dinner, and enjoy the comments from his fans as they reply with things like "I love seeing this guy eat, I eat alphabet spaghetti too, mmm yum, I feel a connection with James now" and other things like; "James, you should post the recipe, that cheese on toast looks awesome!"... then as expected, James will post a video of himself jacking off over the comments his starved for entertainment legion of fans has for every little move he makes, and every piece of shit he uploads.

Nerd Media[edit]

Irate Gamer Rivalry[edit]

James and his mom salute the Irate Gamer.

During the time of James' rise to internet fame, he was also receiving attention from other sources on the web. Just after James posted a AVGN video based on Back To The Future the video game, another name from the past emerged on the net as competition for James. Another very similar character popped up who was also reviewing the same game, almost word for word. James received information about this copycat and was angered to see that it was his old Kindergarten arch nemesis, Chris Bore, whom was calling himself, The Irate Gamer.

Chris has caught on to James uprising, and chosen to use his trademark tactics of stealing James' work, and claiming it was his own. Speculation began to spread that James may have been copying Chris, so James filed a complaint to the authorities, but this did him no good, as the FBI just laughed about it saying it was ridicules for 2 grown men to use the internet for anything but porn. James felt he was on his own, and that even with his legion of followers at his beck and call, he couldn't do anything about this by reporting it. This was 2007 mind you, the internet was not available to every schmuck with an iPhone at this point, so no rules and regulations where cared about just yet.

James figured he would have to look back into his past, to the time when they met, and find a solution. James knew he had a problem, and if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. Unfortunately, the A-Team was busy trying to stop the motion picture remake of their show, so James had to result to lower tactics, and do something more drastic, more horrifying, and more cunning. He ordered one of the Irate Gamers DVD's, and sure enough, there it was, clear as day, printed right there on the box it was shipped in... The home address of Chris Bore. With a quick Google search, James was able to find the home phone number of Chris Bore, and he did what any other true-blooded American man with a pissed off vendetta to get a no good dirty copy cat son of a bitch with... he got his mom to call Mrs Bore and tattle on her son about what a naughty little cunt her son was.

After this harsh event had taken place, the following day Chris' YouTube channel had ceased to except comments, and he was no longer allowed to make videos. He did however post on his website that he had been grounded for 6 years, was sent to bed without supper, and his mother has confiscated his X-Box. James celebrated this well & truly deserved victory by beating up Bugs Bunny in his next video and taking a massive dump on his face. Bugs Bunny was a clear metaphor for Chris Bolen, any old fan knows this because the video game being reviewed "Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout" was not really all that bad of a game as James made out. However, real fans knew what the hidden meaning to the video review was.

Speculation and Meme attempt failure[edit]

Only $4.95 each at cinemassacre.com!

Over the course of the AVGN videos run, James has often taken shots at how bad a video game creation company named LJN are. James speculates that because LJN made such shitty titles as "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", "Back To the Future 1, 2 & 3", "The Karate Kid", "Friday The 13th" & "A Nightmare on Elm St" that LJN just makes bad games, plain, and simple. However, this is a crock load of bull fuck monkey piss. LJN is a company that was created by Acclaim, and they made some of the best games of all time, like NBA Jam, Mortal Kombat and... Well, we're sure they made something else you would have heard of too, but under the LJN title, they created some of the best Wrestling games on the Super Nintendo. This is a well known fact, and is obvious that James was just trying to create a Meme to try and compete with Chris Bore inventing the birth of the Meme's directed towards Chuck Norris... can't say we blame James for trying tho, the Chuck Norris Meme boom was a pretty fanny-gobblin' awesome one!

Personal Life of James[edit]

Where the 8 bit love takes place at the home of The Nerd.

In James personal life he likes to film his cat and post it on YouTube... sit around with friends and have boring conversations or play with TMNT toys and post the footage on YouTube, make random videos of him recording his.... wait a minute... didn't we already go through this in the "Nerdling Suckers" section? Why, yes, we did... ummm... shit... we don't know much else about James' personal life. We know he supposedly has a girlfriend, so he's not gay, unless it's another Meme he's attempting... his favourite colour is New York subway puke yellow, he likes to listen to AC/DC and he supposedly knows whether Frankenstein was circumcised or not? Apart from that, I think that's about all we know about James Rolfe... oh, wait, there is one other thing; We known for a fact that James has not been very popular with the ladies, and that his real persona is not all that different to his AVGN character, after all, it is just James inner anger coming outwards his frustration towards video games. We suspect he may also be sexually frustrated, as no one in the world pays attention to his so-called, "film" career, where he supposedly makes movies that are not pornographic. Speculation surrounds the actual existence of this guy's mention of having a wife. What woman would want to be with a 30+ year old virgin who knows a lot about shit games, posts videos for fans in hope they won't catch on that this guy is completely out of cuss words to describe games, lives in his mothers basement, is a self confessed Jedi Knight, claims he is a class 78 D&D master, and owns a fucking cat... it's pretty obvious why this mystery woman has never been seen and why no one knows what her name is. It's because her name is probably something like Samius, Chun Li, Sonya Blade or Princess Peach... most likely she is either a CGI creation James dates via a mouse click, and fantasizes she would come to life like the chick did in "Weird Science", or she is fully inflatable and has an inbuilt function that makes the sound of Mario going down a pipe when he inserts his penis into the hole where her vagina is that conceals the super-suck vacuum cleaner hose. Of course, we may be completely wrong about this, and everything here is a false accusation. It's quite easy to mistake the fact that he may have a re-programmed R.O.B. that jacks him off and spins a disc in its other arm that tickles James' asshole at the perfect 63 mph.

Related Media[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about James Rolfe.