James Prometheus Marmite Carragher (born Laboratoire Garnier), is a malodorous low rent Mal Donaghy currently hacking strikers down for soccerball team Liverpool Giants, who is perhaps most notable for his repeated failure to win the English Premier League, despite being tipped to emerge victorious year on year by the unwashed horde of delusional scouse giro collectors.
Hoisted upon the arena of football in much the same way as a crack cocaine influenced John Leslie onto a slightly confused but receptive Bruce Forsyth, Carragher slept his way into the side under the gentle yet firm sexual tutelage of a geriatric yet surprisingly supple Roy Evans esq. He made a trainwreck of a debut at the age of 18, a mere five years after the start of his relationship with Mr. Evans. Despite the introduction of such an intellectual heavyweight into the home of Paul Stewart, Liverpool typically finished fourth in 1996/1997, a sign of things to come. He did manage to win a Champions League medal in 2005, however this was undeniably due to a policy of affirmative action implemented by UEFA, who understandably felt sorry for an entire city lacking the capability to speak comprehensible english.
Internationally, he was dubiously selected by a besotted Kevin Keegan, who later admitted that he had meant to call up hotshot striker Ade Akinbiyi. Predictably and amusingly, he failed to pin down a first team place in the England team. Frustrated with being used as cover for the defensive positions, due to the availability of the superior Rio Ferdinand and John Terry, Carragher threw his toys out of the pram and decided to retire from international football in 2007, finishing with 34 caps too many. Amongst his myriad of monosyllabic reasons he cited a lack of sexual activity with notorious lothario and Stewart Downing spokesman Steve McClaren. He released his autobiography, Carra, in 2008, despite not having finished his career, needing the money or possessing any notable literary talent.
Born to a Romany one-legged prostitute with a multitude of virulent yet amusing sexually transmitted diseases and Roy Evans.