Jared Padalecki

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Name: Jared " Cockzilla " Padalecki.

Date of Birth: The first leap year after they invented Mardi Gras.

Place of Birth: In the basement of the Alamo.

Height: I've never met a giraffe, but if I did, I imagine it wouldn't be much different.

Weight: Proportionate, one can only hope. The circumference of his biceps is approximately equal to the width of the Colorado River in a monsoon year, which hasn't happened since around 1910.

Exhibit A


Jared grew up in San Antonio, which (contrary to popular belief) is not the capital of Texas, but actually the name of a cannibalistic village in Guam. He went to school there, until he won some contest where he got to host some award show, probably for MTV. When he was younger, he teamed up with a high school friend to win the National Forensic Championships in Duo Interpretation, which is crime-solving by means of astral-projective ballroom dancing. The Jared

Sources say Jared is so tall he has actually caused an eclipse. Documented evidence of the occurrence has been captured- See Exhibit A.

Interests include blue clicky Sharpies,Kala Montgomery and Bridget Jackson, house plants, candy, candy shaped like furry animals, furry animals, Jensen Ackles, Dean Winchester, Alec Mcdowell, Jason Teague, Eric Brady, and the dollar store. He has a glue and sandal fetish, but never on the same day. He valiantly battles Dendrophobia by hugging trees between 2pm and 5am. He still puts stickers on his furniture.

Art galleries in New York and Milan are seeking to show his latest works involving trucker hats and little purple plastic dinosaurs. Photos of his arm in a cast are projected in technicolor on the side of the Sears Tower every other Christmas. But not this year. Life-size replicas of his arm cast sell on eBay for $10 with proceeds going to charity. Hi, I'm Charity.


Recently: In A Ring of Endless Light he played a guy with brown hair. His character was going to be named Zac Efron, which would have been reason enough to give the character that sweet convertible, but he really got it to temper the sadness of a dolphin dying to save him from bad karma (see asplode). Cry Wolf was based on a true story about him pretending to be a werewolf for his girlfriend one night and making her cry. Really, this is a real movie, not one released by Paris Hilton Productions. Speaking of, there was that horror movie with Chad Michael Murray and Paris Hilton called House of Wax but since it burned down, one can't confirm. There was also that hit TV show Gilmore Girls show where everyone talks really fast to make the dialogue seem funnier. But before all that, or maybe it was after, he made a movie called Flight of the Phoenix, which was a Harry Potter movie until they lost their funding and Richard Harris was not available for a cameo. Oh yeah, and in New York Minute, he postulated on how quickly the skinny Olsen twin would asplode if she were run over by a Yellow Checker cab.

More Recently: Now you can catch him on a different hit CW show, Supernatural, as the brooding, angsty, younger-yet-much-taller brother Sam Winchester. Sam is a clone of Jack Torrance but with a conscience and better hair. In episode 9 of the ninth year of filming, Sam's mother apologized to him for letting him get away with wearing Lone Star belt buckles when he's actually from Kansas. A future episode of Supernatural, titled Room 401, will finally explain why all the motel rooms in the series look like rejected Dr. Seuss illustrations.

Not Recent Yet: A movie about that painter of light guy, Thomas Kinkade, who found inspiration living in a Christmas Cottage to write inspirational novels about how cerulean blue and yellow ochre affects religion in the western regions of Michigan. His agent is in talks with Universal Studios for Jared to portray a camel in a remake of Lawrence of Arabia or as The Master of Crystal Lake for Thursday, the 12th and Saturday, the 14th.

Nonplussed at friends Velcroing him to a concrete wall


- His favorite movie is Zoolander.

- His favorite attire is t-shirts, belt buckles, jeans, tennis shoes, belt buckles, belt buckles with Texas on them, or anything that shows off his legs.

- He likes to wrap his costars' arms and legs together with duct tape and force-feed them gummie worms. That's hot.

- Quite a plethora of nicknames have been ascribed to our illustriously tall hero: JPad, Paddywhack, Packled, Captain Obvious, JRad, Jarhead, J-Bear (short for Jare-Bear), Jay, PadaPup, Blah and Sasquatch. He is one half of the dynamic duo with Jensen Ackles known as "J2" (J-squared), Bonnie-N-Clyde, Padackles and probably others that we may not really want to know about.

- Jared Padalecki is indeed "wanted, waaaanted Dead or Alive." -- Jared padaleckis forehead is the size of America.

- Jared Padalecki keeps a ruler beside his bed and every morning when he wakes up he uses it to measure himself.

- He has thoses big sad puppy eyes. That makes you want to pet or cuddle him. To death.


“Ham Disease makes you fat!”

~ Captain Obvious on Ham Disease

“Please don't make any jokes about me in little green shorts.”

~ to fans at the Giants Are For Teens Awards sometime last year

“Dude, I'm not enabling your sick habit.”

~ to a friend who kept flicking spare change at monkeys

“Why is the rum gone?”

~ to party-goers at his annual kimino pajama dance festival