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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jarlsberg.

Jarlsberg is a mild, semi-soft cheese with a pleasant buttery flavor and large, irregular holes similar to Swiss cheese. It is also the national cheese of Norway, and is popularly referred to as "the quintessential Nordic cheese," although that title is still officially held by Gamalost cheese. A good general-purpose cheese, it is best eaten in whatever way one normally eats cheese, but it is not nearly expensive enough to warrant the use of fancy plates, crackers, and knives. Expensive wines are best left in the cooler as well, as the cheese tends to prefer the company of beer or mead.

Jarlsberg is best enjoyed on toast while wearing a Viking helmet, drinking, and saying things like "skoal." Or, just toss a heap of Jarlsberg onto the floor and fall face-first into it.


The history of Jarlsberg can be traced back to the time of Leif Erikson; specifically, 998 AD, September 16, at approximately 10:32 in the morning. Leif Erikson's brother, Thorvald, being a dairy farmer and moderately successful entrepreneur, came across the smashing idea of curdling milk using rennet and bacteria cultures. Of course, this idea had been though of by others and was already known to the Norse people, but Thorvald's idea involved doing it a slightly different way. His method primarily involved stealing the necessary equipment from the blessed cheese makers, and then following the instructions using his clumsy, clumsy hands.

He originally marketed the cheese as "Vestfold" cheese, named after the county where he produced it, but the name was later changed to "Jarlsberg" because it sounded more Norse. This helped improve sales in American grocery stores, which had been conveniently invented by Leif when he colonized the Americas.

Unfortunately, the Napoleonic Wars resulted in French dominance in the field of cheeses, especially those that are not pronounced the way they are spelled. Despite the eventual victory of Russian sour cream that crushed Napoleon's army, Jarlsberg ceased production for over a century until the secret recipe was rediscovered in 1950-something.


The Norwegians were so impressed by Thorvald's invention that it inspired them to go raid a few European villages. After chopping down a few dozen peasants and plundering everything of value, they made Thorvald their king, whereupon his wife promptly bludgeoned him to death with her frying pan for sleeping with Scandinavian supermodels. The people were so outraged that they immediately ransacked yet another European peasant village, mostly to release their pent-up frustrations.

Jarlsberg has also played an important role in American history, but no one is exactly sure how. In fact, it has probably influenced every single country and culture on Earth, except for Antarctica, since penguins do not eat cheese.

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"