Obama about Nehru “There is not a black Nehru and white Nehru and Latino Nehru and Asian Nehru — there is just Jawaharlal Nehru”
Dumbledore about Nehru "That which Nehru does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend. Of house-elves and childrens tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Nehru knows and understands nothing. Nothing. That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped."'
" In Indian Politics, First there is Nehru and then there is God", Ramachandra Guha, noted Distortian.
Jawaharlal Nehru. Jawaharlal "The J Man" "Sexybeast" Nehru. The name itself speaks wisdom. Peace, Wisdom, and Nehru are synonymous. Few can utter the name without being whisked into a fantasy world of turbanned men meditating underneath Banyan trees. In fact millions of Indians travel to the Gangas River and strip naked in honor of his lordship.
While nearly everyone in the world knows of this man's (or should I say "intelligent being") greatness, few know of his shaky background. We will now journey into the depths of 20th century India and explore the LIFE AND LIES OF JAWARHALAL NEHRU.
So who was Nehru?
Early Life and Childhood
Nehru was born on November 14, 1889 in Allahabad, India (otherwise known as the town of Aladdin, free samosas, and God). Nehru's parents, Motilil Nehru, and Swarupani Thussu. They were better known as the dark wizards Gandalf and Jesus, who had been masquerading as Indians using a combination of brown paint, nose rings, and fake mustaches. But that is a different story.
"Little Jaws" was wealthy and privileged as a child, despite the fact that all the children around him lived in slums and drank chili-powdered alchohol. Nehru expressed an interest in science and theosophy during his youth, and became an esteemed scholar. But in 1902, his life took a turn for the worse.
Jawa's mom started seeing a man visiting the Nehru household in the night, but she did not know whether she was hallucinating or not. She described the man as "rigid, square-mustached...Germanic features, smelled rather like vodka". It turns out this man was Adolf Hitler, the esteemed Jewish humanist. Hitler had been visiting Nehru's room for several nights and giving him lessons on philosophy. It was Hitler who gave Nehru his ideas on nationalism and showed him that India MUST be liberated. Later that month, Hitler discovered that Nehru knew where he lived and Hitler commited suicide.
Nehru got top marks in college and double-majored in natural science and nosering-making. He took Hitler's ideas with him to his political career.
Articles and Speech
Nehru entered the high-court of Allahabad in 1912 and made it his priority to make the spoiled Brits feel like gits without tits. He rose in position and published several articles concerning the idea that India should be freed from Britishland. Needless to say, they did not make him very popular with the English, who took to publicly spitting all over his papers.
In 1917 in January, Nehru delivered a famous speech at an Indian black market in Deraduhn. The crowd was attending the speech in secret to prevent the British from finding out. Nehru , using his golden Godlike voice, talked about love, about wisdom, about freedom, about how he rose from the sea at the beginning of mankind, and most of all, about his beloved country India. The crowd was ecstatic, and India's revolution was arising.
But seven British policemen had sneaked through the crowd in an attempt to subdue the gathering. The Indians were in panic. "The British are coming, The British are coming!" they apparently screamed. However, Nehru continued to speak- and his orgasmic, sexy voice had a huge effect on the Brits- so much that the cry of the crowd changed to "The British are cumming, the British are cumming!"
British India was never the same again.
Relationship with Gandhi
In 1919, Nehru met Mohandas "The Monster" Gandhi in a tea shack. The location did not do justice to this legendary meeting, which was one to be remembered for ages. Gandhi was thin as a pole, had eyesight as bad as a blind elephant's, and did not wear any clothes. Nehru, on the other hand, carried himself with poise and confidence, and was as handsome as the summer sunset.
Wife and Kids
Nehru married the Muslim atheist Oprah Winfrey when he was 34. They had two kids- Barack Obama, and Yo-Yo "Yo Mama" Ma. Nehru's wife abandoned his kids in an empty bullock cart, and left them to fend for themselves.
Nehru, being a man of great dignity and principle, never did any sexual acts with his wife. He later claimed he was "saving mine virginity for ma homeboy Mohandas".
Declaration of Indiapendence
In the time between 1922 and 1930, the Indians and English had fought several bloody, massive battles. And the Indians had won most of these battles- despite only being armed with chili-powder and body hair against the British AK-47s. The Indian people were growing in confidence. Jawaharlal believed the time was ripe to declare Indian independence.
And so he wrote, to the British minister:
"We believe that it is the inalienable right of the Indian people, as of any other people, to have freedom and to enjoy the fruits of their toil and have the necessities of life, so that they may have full opportunities of growth. We believe also that if any government deprives a people of these rights and oppresses them the people have a further right to alter it or abolish it. The British government in India has not only deprived the Indian people of their freedom- OH FUCK THIS SHIT! LET'S GO WHOOP THEM BRITISH ASSES!"
The last line of this speech has become legendary and is a tradition in all current Indian prime minister elections.
In 1940, Nehru was nominated for Prime Minister of India, a role that was mainly ceremonial and only served as a purpose to regulate the amount of cow dung the villagers wiped onto their chedis. Nehru ordered Gandhi to rig the election. Gandhi reluctantly complied, using a combination of halitosis and chili powder to cheat Nehru to the position.
Contrary to popular belief, Nehru was not a strong Prime Minister at all. In fact he spent most of his time outside of the country. For one whole year he stayed in the extremely tiny, almost micrscopic nation of Luxemourg, where he learned how to speak Luxembourgious. It was here that Nehru became "Ein weiser mann" (A wise man.)
Albert Einstein and the theory of Nehru
In 1957, world famous Jewish physicist Albert "Alligator" Einstein published his theory on how the universe worked. He declared that "all objects, or matter I should say, that passes through...the gravitational field and...life force..[of]..Nehru, are subject to terrible quantum distortion."
Nehru sued him for blasphemy.
Nehru in popular culture
The term Nehru has become synonymous with "wise man", and "god." However, schoolnerds continue to incorrectly use it as a term for "Genius."
(Ex. Person 1: "Hey, dude, I got a 100% on my Biology exam" Person 2:"You're a fucking Nehru!")
There is a band in England called "Nehru of the North".
A video on youtube went viral in 2007 showing drawings of Jesus in which Jesus' head was replaced by photos of Nehru. Needless to say, the video got 20,000+ likes.
Mao Zedong was said to keep a photo of Nehru in his bedroom decorated with "看对我来说，我睡觉的时候" (Watch out for me when I sleep).
JK Rowling was said to have based her character Dumbledore on Nehru's personality, but she felt it didn't do him credit.
Nehru was named Time Magazine's person of the century.