Captain Picard

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Picard.

“I like to violate his Neutral Zone when he bends over in the communal shower.”

~ Mr. Data on Captain Picard

“He's got a great Holodeck collection of me, Swizz Beatz, and my son singing”

Jean-Luc Picard after he had been assimilated by the Gay Borg Collective, and given the new name La Cute Ass.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Picard.
Captain Picard riding with Commander Riker and Commander Data in a Holodeck program(me) to an Alicia Keys concert

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, often mistakenly called by his screen name Sir Patrick Stewart, is the captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Picard is most widely known for standing up from his captain's chair and pulling his shirt down to where it should be. This is widely known as the Picard Maneuver, and is practiced by many including his first officer William T Riker (commonly referred to as simply "Beard"). Unlike other starship captains in the Star Trek Universe such as Captain Archer of the Enterprise NX-01, Picard will not be seen laying on the floor of a prison cell eating slop out of a dog bowl. He is much too proper for that shit. Instead, Picard's negative twists of fate involve firing phasers on the Klingons, straightening his shirt, and scanning the debris field for life signs. Recreational activities involve drinking Earl Grey Tea, reading shakespeare, fencing, deep conversations with Whoopi Goldberg, telling Wesley Crusher to STFU while trying to get into Beverly Crusher's pants, and reminding Worf not to fire phasers just yet.

Picard was born in France to parents Herman Melville, and David Copperfield. He is known to be terrified of children to the point that on seeing them cross his path, his jaw locks up and his bladder starts to lose containment. At this point he attempts to locate the nearest public convience to relieve his troubled bladder, however as he is normally on board a Starship of some description, this tends to prove difficult as there are no toilets of any kind on a federation starship due to budget cuts in the early days of construction. Soem crew members have been known to be more affected by this then others. Commander Riker for example developed a funny walk where he looked like he was about to headbutt anyone who got in his way.

Early Life[edit]

Captain Picard became a Captain after the death of his previous CO on board the USS Stargazer, who made the mistake of manning the exploding console, whose supply of TNT had just been stocked up. The moment an unexpected Klingon vessel showed up, teh captain forgot they were at peace with the Klingons, ordered shields to be raised, realised that was the job of the console he was at, and hit the wrong button blowing himself up. Thats what the official report says and Picard is sticking to it.

Picard best friend Jack Crusher died in a tragic accident cutting his own head off accidently while shaving. This was shortly after Picard had found out that there was a good chance he was actually the real father of Jacks son, Wesley, due to a drunken liason where both Picard and Jack had both showed up with their dates (Jacks Wife, Beverly Crusher, Picard date was some girl he couldn't remember the name of, Cathrine JaneAway or something) wearing identicle outfits to each other. In Jack and Picards case, they had came dressed as members of KISS, their dates had came as pantomine cows. Picard is convinced to this day that the non alcholic punch served at the party was spiked with something.

Eventaully Picard decided to trade in his tired, rusty old, battered stargazer for something bigger and better. Starfleet was not interested in giving him something decent as a trade in, he had over 1,000 light years on the clock, and the only thing they were willing to trade for was an Oberth class starship that had lost it's saucer section. Disgusted, Picard turned to the Ferangi for assistance. Trading the rights to the patents for the unheard-of-by-Ferangi-miracle that is a "Wig" Picard attempted to gain a huge resever of gold pressed latinum to buy a new ship. However this being the Ferangi, he was double crossed when they discovered he did not own the rights to the patents, and quickly engaged in a brief battle with the trading ship, destroying it with some warp manouvers and taking mild damage that made his consoles blow up killing his brodge crew. He later torched the ship and it's surviving crew members to cover this up.

To complete his latest act of covering his backside yet again, Picard claimed he had been attacked by a heavily armed warship that fired first, damaged his shields and in desperation warped in very close to the enemy vessel to trick it into thinking he was in two palces at once. Praised for his tactical brilliance, no one realised that Kirk and hundreds of other captains had used similar manouvers hundreds of years beforehand. The manouver was named in his honour, and dispite the loss of an entire ship and all hands bar one, Picard was given the brand new, feash off the assembly line Enterprise D, which was to be the flagship of the Federation Starfleet.

Strangely he wasn't made fleet captain, a role, years later Sisko would be given, seemingly just for the hell of it.

On board the Enterprise D[edit]

Picard served on the Enterprise D for seven and a bit years, and accomplished much, from earning the wraith of a god like being with an ego the size of the multiverse, to nearly scoring with Beverly again who was serving him as CMO, but not in any other capacity.

He quickly realised he had made a mistake in hiring a blonde female as security chief, and when she died by ink poisoning in a tattooing experiment gone awry, he quickly made a Klingon the new security chief, something that made everyone sleep much better at night. Except when Worf kicked their doors down to see what they were up to.

For the life of him, Picard couldn't understand why his first officer wouldn't accept promotion, he was blisffully unaware of the laten attraction Will Riker still had for his then ex fiance, Deanna Troi, as Picard was generally getting oraly serviced by Troi in order for her to keep her job. eventually the pair married and elloaped to a starship of their own. Picard to this day is none the wiser of their love for each other.

Picard was also confused as to how a blind man, one Junior Liuetnant Geordi LaForge could pilot the ship, and also misspell the name "Geordie". So after the fifth chief engineer in a row died, LaForge was "promoted" to that post, which he served dutifully and perfectly and never died once. He never commented on the lack of a French accent for fears someone would question his own lack of a French accent. Strangly LaFroge did not have a Geordie accent, nor was he a drunken, soccer obessed womaniser, strange given Treks knack of using stereotypes if certain roles.

Picard would often make many mistakes, the worst of which was allowing Wesley Crusher to set foot on his bridge, after that, he gave the child a field promotion, recommended him for the academy, and allowed him to upstage the adults at every possibly oportunity. Yet despite all this, he kept attempting to kill the boy as often as possibly, yet always failed miserably to do so.

Recent evidence has surfaced and was posted on YouTube that shows Picard was very fond of the phrase "big brother is watching you" he would routinly watch the activities of random crew members, often from his quarters as they engaged in everyday activities such as singing, lounging, making love, fighting in the bar or just watching paint dry. It is surmissed he justified this as "performance reviews".

Career After ST TNG[edit]

Picard started his own cable access show about knitting and macrame entitled "Make It Sew".

Top 102 Reasons Picard is better than Kirk[edit]

102: Picard's list is better.

101. Two Words: better voice.

100. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.

99. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.

98. Picard fires both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.

97. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.

96. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.

95. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still manged to make her fall for him.

94. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.

93. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.

92. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.

91. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.

90. Picard was never killed by his first officer.

89. Picard's family made alchoholic beverages for a living.

88. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has kept Worf for seven years.

87. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.

86. Two words: better actor.

85. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.

84. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and all of humanity while still a lowly captain.

83. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not saying much.

82. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.

81. Picard's crew gambles.

80. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.

79. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.

78. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."

77. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.

76. No sideburns. 'Nuff said.

75. Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a former captain anywhere.

74. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet HQ. Kirks name is an anathema to Starfleet HQ and alien races alike.

73. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he MEANS it.

72. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.

71. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.

70. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?

69. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.

68. Picard has never been demoted.

67. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.

66. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.

65. Picard has never encountered aliens from wierd planets like "Zatar."

64. Picard's quarters have a window.

63. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.

62. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.

61. Picard is a caffiene addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)

60. One word: Leadership.

59. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.

58. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose commander was Christopher Lloyd.

57. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who once made a career out of selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.

56. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with rocket boots to save him.

55. Picard would never stand for playing "Row Row Row your boat" around a campfire.

54. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.

53. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.

52. When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching and caring about.

51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.

50. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about with 17th century weaponry.

49. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.

48. If poor judgement were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.

47. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting on a face which only made things worse.

46. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic squabbles.

45. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.

44. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.

43. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)

42. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)

41. Picard has hair on his chest.

40. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.

39. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view at all times.

38. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.

37. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.

36. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.

35. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.

34. Picard's ex kept his name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.

33. Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.

32. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.

31. Picard has never been bitten by a mugatto. Nor has he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship, either.

30. Picard has never aged prematurely.

29. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.

28. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.

27. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.

26. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.

25. When Picard talks, people listen.

24. If Picard were a late-night talk-show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night host, he'd be Chevy Chase.

23. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."

22. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.

21. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.

20. Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.

19. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.

18. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.

17. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a gorn.

16. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.

15. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the Klingons.

14. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.

13. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it took Kirk.

12. Three words: Better costuiime variety.

11. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures to respect him.

10. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.

9. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."

8. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.

7. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures & has done so on a number of occassions.

6. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).

5. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.

4. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.

3. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta be the shoes...

2. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.

1. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.


Reason Picard is Better than Sisko, Janeway, or Archer[edit]

They never got their own movies. End of story.

One More Thing[edit]

Captain Picard places great trust in Captain Ben Maxwell's superior abilities in engaging enemy Romulan Warbirds. Captain Ben Maxwell is also very obedient to Captain Picard's requests, typically replying with "Alright, Picard." Romulan Commander Tomalak is quite fearful of Ben Maxwell's skillage.[1]

See also[edit]


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