Jeff Goldblum

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“Must go faster!”

~ Jeff Goldblum on being pursued by an angry T-rex

“Must go faster!”

~ Jeff Goldblum on Escaping imminent nuclear detonation within a giant alien mothership

“Must go faster!”

~ Jeff Goldblum on The need to go faster

“I'll tell you what the problem is here.”

~ Jeff "Ian Malcolm" Goldblum on the need to tell Richard Hammond what the problem is

“I can't read or write”

“He was a great man. And he was also me.”

~ Jeff Goldblum on the death of Jeff Goldblum. No, it wasn't suicide.
Jeff Goldblum posing with water lillies.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum is known as the worlds first form of artifical intelligence. First called model 2890076bxa and was crafted from a used drilldo, a football helmet and the number 8. At a very young age, Jeff went through a government funded program to have Adamantium grafted to his bone structure. This took its toll on Jeff and sent him spiraling out of control into a world of drugs and gang life. He later became a 70's porn star, emperor of japan from 1956 to 1987' an accomplished zoologist, male model, manufacturer of tardy slips, ice cream cone enthusiast, and most definitively his acting abilities. Staring in many blockbuster smashes like “Oliver Twist X”, “The Fly”, “Independence Day” (where he also played a body double of the director, who was having an affair with Will Smith), “Jurassic Park”, and “Herby, Fully Loaded… (burp)”. Did somebody say buttseckz???? In 1997 he gave birth to Ben Stein.

Early Childhood[edit]

Jeff was born on a Swiss cheese plant in Pennsylvania, to Doris and Doris Goldblum (former psychologists). In his infant stages Jeff successfully achieved a method in predominate self satisfaction, that allowed him to transcend the selfish nature of this stage. In his youth Jeff gained fame as a choppy young lad whom was particularly gifted in logic and the construction of suspension bridges. While Jeff did very well in grade school (due to his extraordinary intelligence quotient of 191), his adolescence years fell into gang activity. Because of his gawky appearance and height he was successfully nicknamed “Large Mac”.

Thug Life[edit]

Jeff Goldblum really loves buzzing things for some reason.

Jeff “Large Mac” Goldblum (Sometimes referred to as “Power Mac”) had become immersed in the gang underworld. The gangs, almost completely consistent of angry puberty fueled teens, performed juvenile pranks, such as vandalizing property, mistreatment of cats, swearing in public, and tattooing rituals. It is here that Jeff gained an interest in acting. Rumor holds it that after being caught stealing vintage rocking horses, one of his fellows skillfully acted his way out of the predicament, blaming a nearby elderly woman. Jeff found this skill to be ecstatic and fascinating so he took it up. He used this talent for acting to stop the destruction of private property by skateboarders, being a vendor, and “playing” guitar briefly in Kiss. Jeff grew and declined this lifestyle in order to attend Juilliard University, Majoring in contemporary acting.

College Years[edit]

Jeff Goldblum’s college days vanish into the mists of amnesia and mystery. During this time it is obvious that Jeff honed his talent in acting, and practiced jazz piano, as well as allegedly eating and drinking water almost every day. It is said that the secrets of his college years are guarded very fiercely, such as who REALLY shot JR, where Christopher Walken gets his energy, and how Jackie Chan can piss on a towel and use it to bend prison bars. It was at this time he was made famous due to the fact that he had an 18-inch penis, most commonly referred to as "The Goldblum Hammer". His most famous quotes at the time were "I'll bring the (Goldblum) hammer down on you", "It's (Goldblum) Hammer time" and "The (Goldblum) hammer is my penis!"

Early Acting[edit]

In one of his earliest roles, Jeff Goldblum received top billing in this experimental independent film.

Taking an Uncle Ben’s Rice trolley, Jeff slowly made his relocation to Hollywood, moving into a small apartment and practicing CPR on dummies. Wile he mainly was employed by small insignificant commercial acting roles, on several occasions Jeff had to become naked and do allegedly what the producers called “Soap Advertising”. Jeff can be seen in other minor pre-career acting roles such as, The A-Team, Aerosmith: The Movie, Little House on The Prairie: Halloween, as well as several skateboarding endorsements. In the summer of 1984 Jeff found himself a role to play a man turning into a fly, wile sexually soliciting various female actors, heedless to say Jeff accepted this job, as it paid in tasty clam.

“The Fly” enjoyed moderate success; however became a favorite at Christian girls’ sleepover parties, nail saloons, and the electronics section in Wal-mart. It provided Jeff with significant funds to purchase necessities all actors needed, hair extensions, ex-lax, tiny black combs, a small African child, and Bono’s friendship among other things. Once acquiring the Staff of Moses (taken from the three headed dog, Freddie Prince Junior’s mother) Jeff was able to gain access to Steven Spielberg, who granted him three wishes in gratitude. The following is what Jeff asked of The Great Spielberg:

  • Moist Toilettes, that which never cease to be moist.
  • Two more wishes.
  • The 90’s.
  • Donnie Darko on DVD.
  • Indoor grass.
  • Acting role in a movie with talking dinosaurs.

Jurassic Park[edit]

With production starting sometime in the late 1800’s, a budget total of fifty-million, and the musical styling of Randy Newman on the tenor xylophone, Jurassic Park was on to success faster then L.A’s finest on The Mystery Mobile at Woodstock. The magical Spielberg had stumbled across the idea by ripping off a book he discovered in a discount bin (a magical genie discount bin of course). Dodging piles of gushing interns offering him light coffee, Jeff began filming, cast as Dr. Ian Malcom. The production was racked with arguments between Jeff and Jerry Seinfeld, who operated a gigantic T-rex, as well as several raptors, over piles of interns that they had placed claim upon. Jeff discovered that Jerry was playing horseshoes using his interns and a large flag pole, as well as using them for vocal section chords. This bickering nearly ruined the film.

Untimely death[edit]

Jeff Goldblum tragically died in New Zealand in 2009. He was filming a movie in which he played a weirdo, and fell to his death off a cliff. Unfortunately his death was not widely reported, having died the same day as the vastly more talented Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.

His body, ripped apart by the rocks beneath the cliff, took an estimated 2 million dollars to recover. A bill controversially footed by the New Zealand tax payer. Due to his family's religious beliefs they wanted his body returned in full, and due to their culture they would not pay for it themselves.