Jeff Stelling

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“I loved him, he's a man's man, but i'd still smash his face in!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jeff Stelling

“The man can produce more smegma than most developing countries”

~ Barry Scott on Jeff Stelling

“Oh shit, Chasetown have scored another goal!!!”

~ Jeff Stelling on Hartlepool

“Middlesbrough is the second greatest place to live in Britain! Behind Hartlepool.”

~ Jeff Stelling on Middlesbrough


Jeff Vader is a British TV presenter, transvestite, and the current Queen of Hartlepool, a title he stole from his former boss Rupert Murdoch. In his native region he is referred to as "Evil Queen Jeff, our Lord and Mistress" or sometimes as "The Great Smell". There has been two assassination attempts on his life by his work colleague and former lover Chris Kamara.


He currently presents The Gilette Mach Three Turbo Sports Skin Care Challenge on UK cable channel ITV6+1.


Always impeccably dressed on screen, he actually presents the show naked from the waist down, with his penis in a jar of chicken livers.


Jeff recently bought George Best's liver on ebay after he died. He calls it Mostyn and talks to it and everything.


Jeff's life took a turn for the worst when in 2006 he was unfortunate enough to only finish 2nd at the Hutton Henry leek show with a leek that should definitely have won. Since then it is thought that he resides in Russian Soil with Paul Merson's brain.

Jeff's private life hit the headlines in May 2004 when it was revealed he had an affair with on screen sparring partner Rodney Marsh, the affair was known to be drug fuelled (mainly ketamine and benylin), and included sexual role-playing games performed in public libaries.


Stelling rarely appears on terrestrial television, however, he has starred as a contestant on The Weakest Link, upon being voted the weakest link he broke down in tears and wet his pants.


His family life[edit]

He is married to Chris Kamara who also is one of his colleagues on George Gillette Soccerrrrrrr Saturday. They have 2 children, Stella Stelling-Spelling, and one who has a loud mouth and looks rather convincingly like Kamara's brother "Mark Lawrenson".

His views on bumming[edit]

It is rumoured that Jeff enjoys a good ol' bum now and again with Phill Thompson and his nose. (I wonder what Chris would think about that???)

His favourite film[edit]

Jeff has seen The Clangers twice and Shitty Shitty Gang Bang once.

Fucking in the streets of Total Network Solutions[edit]

One of Stelling's famous catchphrases on his show occurred whenever the Welsh team "Total Network Solutions" (now Microsoft FC) won a game, upon which he invariably commented, "They'll be fucking in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight", a deliberate parody of a famous mistaken comment by broadcaster Sam Leitch of the BBC when referring to a win by Raith Rovers.

It is currently not known whether Jeff has had sex on the streets as yet, in a recent poll in the Guardian newspaper, 90% of people asked said they thought he was having sex on the streets right now. However no footage of such an act exists. Not even on Youtube or one of those other sites.