Jehovah's Witness

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Charlie Brown — A little love.jpg Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg This article needs love Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg
This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love.
Please give some love by rewriting it.


A Jehovah's Witness preaching to an un-suspecting victim in a park.


Not to be confused with Jenova's Witnesses, Jehovah's Witnesses are the defense witnesses in an ongoing trademark dispute case in Syria, Israel, the United States of America, Japan, and other Middle Eastern Semitic countries. According to experts, Jehovah's first witness was a disgruntled Seventh Day Adventist named Charles Taze Russell who combined Seventh Day Adventist's philosophy with theologies of Mary Queen of Scots and repackaged them as his own. He actually had no knowledge of Jehovah, but knocked on the courtroom door in order to try to sell books, at which point Jehovah's lawyer, Lionel Hutz, quickly dragged him in and put him on the stand.

Origins[edit]

In the 1870s, a minor tribal deity known as Yahweh, who controlled the world's banking system, became very irritated at brand-diluting effect of mispronunciations of his name. He thus spake from upon high and directed his followers to sue anyone whose name resembled his. Many skilled lawyers were found among Yahweh's followers; they proceeded to sue not only Jehovah, an innovative Canadian architect who built towers entirely out of watches, but also such other figures as Jabba the Hutt, the island of Java, a mysterious grouping of Southerners known as All Y'all, Yo mama, and even Yo Yo Ma. The planet Jupiter settled out of court after it agreed not be referred to as Jove.

Yahweh's followers had several notable initial successes. They won the case against Yo Yo Ma, who had not yet been born, due to a crackpot theory that Asians are the new Jews and were thus indeed guilty of infringing on the Original Jews' copyright. [1] Furthermore, Jabba the Hutt ran out of money for his defense and became a debt-slave, later sold to the Jewish Steven Spielberg, who forced him to act in pornographic movies such as Star Wars (originally named Star Whores, but changed due to FCC regulations). Yahweh himself, being a god, sent a plague to take Jehovah's first-born son Jesus, who was sentenced to death by the Italians, but later escaped to Mexico and had lots of kids, whom He called Jesus Junior.

However, as time dragged on, the rest of the world rallied to the side of the respondents to the Zionist conspirators' lawsuits. These poor victims leveraged their newfound popularity to become wildly successful in business and social affairs, and Jehovah was no exception. While Java went on to take over the entire country of Indonesia, as well as Silicon Valley and parts of Redmond, and Yo Mama got so fat she just sat around the house (and I mean around the house) all day counting her money, Jehovah himself went on to become God. It's not clear how he managed this; maybe someone should ask the Mormons. It also allowed Jehovah to thwart Yahweh's continuing attempts to smite him.

Eventually, as more and more cases were thrown out of court, Yahweh rebranded himself as Adonai, and almost went into receivership. Due to complex restructuring negotiations, he retained ownership of the Jews, who continue to provide him with free legal services up until today.

Customs[edit]

Jehovah's Witnesses preaching to a person on the street. Jehovah's Witnesses are well known for their habit of wearing suits; this is not because they are uptight dorks, but rather because most courtrooms require formal attire, and they do not want to risk being held in contempt of court. They get these suits for free at after their baptism and long study of their books. If they are caught wearing anything else but their suits, they will be condemned to riding their bikes and walking for a month.

Jehovah's Witnesses are doomed to live their life as human drones, otherwise Jehovah will not let them have eternal life. Apart from on weekends, when they're allowed to annoy people by knocking on their door and asking them if they've found the truth. (I found the truth once and placed it in my pocket, regrettably my wife didn't look through my pants before washing them.)

Some Jehovah's Witnesses have become part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program, a federal government attempt to protect them from the International Zionist Conspiracy, Yahweh's latest attempt at extralegal settlement of his dispute with Jehovah. Contrary to the disinformation spread by Boondocks, the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program is not intended to protect other people from Jehovah's Witnesses, as they are well known to be harmless, aside from the fact that they caused the end of the world at least nine times.

Jehovah's Witnesses look down upon seeking higher education because according to the religion, it distracts a person from doorknocking. Proof of their disgust towards education is shown in how JWs deal with critical information on the internet. An educated person who sees a point that's critical towards their beliefs usually deconstructs the argument, provides proof towards their side of their argument and tries to win the debate by using previously known facts to back up his information. A Jehovah's Witness on the otherhand usually either astroturf a topic and add JW copy and paste type references to the topic, blank out wiki pages (like this one) or simply cry out to the moderators how the critical views on their faith is religious persecution.

Jehovah's Witnesses do not believe in gravity, they believe it is just the earth being kind, allowing us to stand on it. Also they don't believe in the moon, they believe it is just the back of the sun.

Witness Holidays[edit]

There's only one JW holiday. It's an annual communion celebration known as "The Lord's Evening Meal". You pass around a cup of wine and a plate of matzoah crackers while some undereducated empty suit on a platform babbles incoherently about the bible. If you're really lucky, you might see somebody eat the crackers, but only if they're egotistical enough to think they are going to heaven. There are no gifts exchanged and lively song and celebration is discouraged. It's not really a holiday, just an annual recruitment drive.

Witnesses in Philadelphia celebrate, this evening meal by eating a torture cheesesteak in honor of Christ.

JW's don't celebrate Halloween. They say the don't like strangers knocking on their doors.

Witness Funerals[edit]

They talk about the dead guy and how he will not be able to go to heaven because he did not knock on enough doors in his life time, after which there will be a warning to his family members to knock on more doors or they will rot in their graves just like their loved one. The rest of the sermon is also a recruitment drive for the religion.

Teachings[edit]

Some Seventh Day teachings stolen and repackaged includes the Disappointment of 1844 and the slogan "Off with her head!" as well as Queen Mary's tenets of imprisoning and/or beheading members who challenge church authority. Charles Taze Russell also stated that the Great Pyramids of Egypt predicted a huge event would occur in 1914. In 1914, when World War I started, he was quoted as saying, "I told you so."

When reminded that he didn't include a zero year on his calculation, (if correct, would have predicted something really big happening in 1915) Russell quickly chopped off the arm of the dissender, drained their blood, threw the poor soul in the hospital, and informed the doctor that the dissender is a Jehovah's Witness and not to replace their blood; a practice that's done to dissenters to this day. The practice, originally known as "dis-membershipping" is now known today as "disfellowshipping".

You are allowed to have your arm re-inserted after a punitive period that lasts for at least 6 months. That practice, known as "re-insertion" is now known as "re-instation".

The people who survived dismembershipping and saw through the pyramid theory realized how much money could be made off of gullible idiots and started their own churches in abandoned Wal-Marts and circus tents, but the people who stayed behind were due for some more nonsense.

Recent History[edit]

In 1916, Russell died and another leader, "Judge" Joseph Rutherford, made his own predictions regarding the end of the world, stating that the world would end in 1925, 1936, and the 1940s. He then went on to issue various proclamations. He stated that aluminum cookware was evil, that 2nd hand smoke causes cancer, and that sitting too close to the TV causes nearsightedness if not blindness. Rutherford later passed away from smallpox (which was easily preventable due to vaccinations, but he didn't get one because Jesus came out of the sky and told him not to get one).

He was then replaced by Fred Franz, who in 1983 claimed that the world had ended in 1975. The world did end, but nobody really noticed as it was the 1970s. Everybody was too high to care. However, people forgot about the Jehovah's Witnesses prediction and then dismissed them as that crazy church that didn't allow people to celebrate birthdays.

The modern Witnesses have studied all the harder, and have finally come up with the day that the world is ending. Their prediction is believed to be accurate to within plus or minus three days. The day?

Wednesday.

The group currently has 6.5 million members ( of which only a fourth will enter heaven), most of which suffer from cases of advanced intellectual bankruptcy and starchy clothing.

According to the group, they are not a cult, since cults are filled with creepy people and they are most certainly not creepy at all, except when they come to your door at 9 AM on a Saturday morning, show you magazines with pictures of 7 headed beasts, and when you're nearly converted, they tell you to limit contact with your non Witness friends before you're officially inducted in their membership.

They mainly enjoy waking people up at 9am every Sunday, Saturday and Borlandday (the new weekday invented by a business-government coalition to make people work an extra day and get taxed extra, named after Al Borland, the great Ottowa Indian god.), to tell people about a paradise where people live forever and play with vegetarian lions and all that other stuff. Despite their fervent marketing efforts, nobody is really sure what they speak about. People in response just pretend not to be home, or show up to the door naked, which shocks the sexually repressed Jehovah's Witnesses.

Satan was once a member of the Jehovah's Witness "religion", along with Judas and Barney the gay dinosaur. Satan was later cast out for accepting a blood transfusion for his illegitimate child with Saddam.

JWisms[edit]

Guide to Jehovah's Witness Terminology:

  • Kingdom Halls - Meeting Halls
  • Watchtower Bible And Tract Society - The Head Office
  • Pagan - basically the worst word you can use to describe anything. If they refer to anything as 'pagan', like christmas, birthdays, the yin-yang symbol, fantasia, or saying 'good luck', it means they should basically treat the thing as if the devil had sculpted it from his own turds and thrown them at you screaming something about your mother and cocks in hell.

Some Stuff JWs Still Believe In[edit]

Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Jehovah's Witness.

Jesus was executed on an upright pole, not a cross. This causes them problems because their genuflections look like they are masturbating.

That blood transfusions are dangerous. They were laughed at for this until noted atheist Isaac Asimov died of AIDS from a blood transfusion. Said Lester Del Ray at the funeral, "We are all Witnesses now!".

That pedophiles should be disfellowshipped. As opposed to the Catholics who believe they should be transferred a hundred miles away and put in charge of a youth camp.

They believe in Space Chimps...at least those who attend all the meetings.

They believe in coming by your house totally fuckin' unannounced while you're fornicating. This is primarily so they can get pointers as to how to please their wives.

How to anger a Jehovah Witness[edit]

  1. Take away your door so that they can't knock (they love the knocking door sound)
  2. If they arrive at your doorstep and ask,"Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?".
  3. Invite them in to see your collection of either Jewish family haggadah's or prominently displayed Goddess statues.
  4. Repeat what they say.
  5. Tell them 'it is impossible to disprove someone's imagination, therefore debate is futile'.
  6. Write amusing notes with illustrations in their Bibles
  7. Insist on evidence.
  8. Show the Jehovah's Witnesses more "'real truth'" than they would know how to handle. More success stories at an appropriately named site: Ex-Jehovah's Witness Forum and Recovery Site
  9. Tell them you're Catholic(even if you're not).
  10. Ask them to pray for somebody.


Fat man.jpg
   v  d  e
Fundamental Stereotypes
Adults | African Americans | Americans | Aspies | Armenians | Australians | Babies | Basement-dwellers | Beatniks | Blexicans | Bros | Bronies | Blacks | Blondes | Boys | Brazilians | Brits | Brunettes | Canadians | Captains | Cavemen | Children | Christians | Communists | Corpses | Dead people | Dolphins | Douches | Dummies | Elves | Emos | Extremely Ugly People | Fantards | Fascists | Fat People | Feminists | Flying Gypsies | Foreigners | French | Frisians | Furries | Gays | Germans | Ghosts | Girls | Gnomes | Heroes | Hindus | Hippies | Hipsters | Hispanics | Humans | Idiots | Indians | Irish | Italians | Japanese | Jehovah's Witnesses | Jews | KKK | Lesbos | Men | Mermaids | Metalheads | Metrosexuals | Midgets | Minsters | Moldovans | Mormons | Mudripper | Muslims | Native Americans | Nazis | Nerds | Niggles | Ninjas | N00bs | Nuns | Ninja Pirates | New Yorkers | Old people | Pagans | Perverts | Pikeys | Pimps | Pirates | Platypuses | Poles | Preggos | Poor people | Politicians | Preps | Psychics | Redheads | Rednecks | Retards | Rich people | Romanians | Russians | Satanists | Scarecrows | Scots | Southern People | Teenagers | Thieves | Transsexuals | Trolls | Toddlers | Tourettes People | Trekkies | Vegetarians | Whites | Wiccans | Wiggers | Wookiees | Women | Yuppies | You | Zionists | Zombies