Jennifer Granholm

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Sith Lord Jennifer Granholm aka Evil Bitch, Canadian Infiltrator Number 6, and Dat bitch up der in Lansing dat tried tuh kill da Ted Nugent as well as Jennifer Gran-ho or Jennifer Granwhore (February 5, 34 AD-January 20, 2011) was the Governor of Michigan. Granholm was Michigan's first woman governor. She succeeded Governor John Engler. Granholm was a member of some Canadian political party, I think, perhaps Socialist, perhaps Communist.

Early life and career[edit]

Granholm was born during the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in an area then known as BtlhQrOS (It's like Klingon or something), now commonly referred to as Vancouver. Her childhood was surprisingly normal, except for the occaisional grizzly bear attack. Due to the bears, she was the only child to survive to adulthood among her 18 siblings. Sometime in the 1920's (it is impossible to know exactly when, because of Canadian calendar differences) she made a failed attempt to become an actress in Hollywood, and was subsequently recruited as a waitress/pole dancer. Her shrewd nature caused many to believe she was a a=hole , and they were probably right. She appeared on the game show "The Dating Game", where she met her effeminate husband, Danny Mulhern, who is the First Lady of Michigan. Then she ran for governor of Michigan.

Granholm and the 1995 Canadian Invasion of Michigan[edit]

General Granholm, of the Canadian resistance forces, led her army made up of 150 men, 36 llamas, and a sock puppet, to victory over the forces of Ted Nugent. This was due largely to the release of Michael Moore's movie Canadian Bacon, which lulled Michigan into a false sense of security. She managed to kill many of the Dutch residents around Grand Rapids, although they were able to give her an infection known as Granholm's Mole Syndrome.

Michigan Attorney General[edit]

She was also elected Attorney General of Michigan before she was elected Governor. Sucking every cock on the way up. The MMoT (Michigan Ministry of Truth) has deleted her role (and the title of Attorney General itself) from history. But just between you, me, and the telescreen: Granholm's actions as Attorney General effectively sold Michigan to Canada in 1999, sparking the Michigan Civil War. It was also around this time that her identity as a Canadian Infiltrator and Spy was released, and subsequently un-released by MMoT. She outlawed Ted Nugent and all public display of the Flag of the United States, replacing it with the "Blown Away In FIVE" flag instead. She made enemies with Ted Nugent during this period by killing all bears in Michigan before he got a chance to.

Governor[edit]

Granholm was sworn in as the 543th Governor of the state of Michigan on Doomsday, 2003. In her inaugural speech, she said: "We've all heard that song, 'I Hope You Rot In Hell', eh? Well, I hope you rot in hell, you bastardous American scum." She has made it clear during debates and speeches that she hates Americans, but her Democratic supporters shrug this off as a joke. She instituted a Gulag system throughout the state in 2003, and began using Amtrak to funnel undesireables (Republicans, Ungoodthinkers, and Yoopers) to her Gulag in Dowagiac, MI.

In 2004, she tried to end the Michigan Civil War by what she called "bombing the bloody fuck out of Mackinaw Island", but her plan failed when she accidentally bombed Detroit instead. Nobody really noticed anything out of the ordinary, so it wasn't made into a big deal.

In 2005, she unvailed a new policy called "Fuck You, West Michigan". It involves cancelling or "deferring" public projects in areas commonly considered to be Republican areas of the state, while expanding projects in Democratic areas of the state to the point of redundancy. The next stage of the plan is to illegalize electricity use by those not on welfare, close all schools west of Lansing, and illegalize private firearm posession. When asked about the Second Amendment, she replied "Fuck the Constitution, eh? I'm Canadian. In Canada, you'd be shot for saying that. Here, you just get tasered... GUARDS! TASER HIM!"

Her re-election in November, 2006 was hardly a supprise as she didn't even try to hide the fact that she was going to rig the election. When she signed "Mich. Executive Order No. 666", it set the election results at Granholm 39.2%, Amway Silverspooner 7.4%, with the remainder of the population either too dead or too involved in the Michigan Civil War to vote. However, many a dead Democrat voted.

In August 2007, she signed into law "Mich. Executive Order No. pi and a half ", and starting Aug. 8, 2008 everyone born in Michigan will have an ID number tattooed on their wrist at birth.

In January, 2008, Granholm orchestrated the cluster-fuck that was the Michigan presidential primary. She originally planned to have her communist sister, Hillary Clinton, as the only candidate on the ballot in Michigan, but the republicans sent armed guards to all voting centers to insure their voice would be heard. After some violent clashes between republican guards and Granholm's SS forces, a treaty was signed to let republicans run, but Clinton would be the only communist er, democrat.

Controversy[edit]

Controversy? What controversy? There is no controversy. Every Michigander loves having a Canadian governor. The MMoT has confirmed this time and time again.

Did you know?[edit]

  • She is burnt by sunlight?
  • Everyone has AIDS?
  • She was supposed to serve 12 life sentences for eating human flesh, her main source of nutrition, but escaped using an ├╝ber-bomb?
  • She owns only left footed shoes?


Presidential aspirations[edit]

Many people suggested that she wanted to run for President. However, the U.S. Constitution only allows for natural born citizens to serve as president, thus barring the Canadian from holding the office. She said she didn't "give a flying fuck" what the Constitution says and attempted to eat it but choked to death in the process. Despite being dead, Gov. Granholm has managed to amass a war chest of $957.18 and a half-eaten bag of Milk Duds.