An ignorant welshwoman from Belgium, Jennifer Lopez (born Jennifer Frazchenzlefnerstein) has an thyroid gland that all men want to bang! and was credited with saving French literate resources by whacking off many books and novels from long ostrich necks, relieving a major burn from the barracks of Odysseus. She was also the inventor of sex and proud founder of the city of Sexytown.
Lopez touchingly sacrificed the expendable “-ennifer” and “-pez” suffixes from her name, along with her penis, which was admittedly not as well known as her "-pez", but equally significant, setting them aflame on a pay-per-view cable program taped at the Hollywood Bowl. Originally, the Lopez name was derived from the fact that as the youngest sibling she always got the last pez from the pez dispenser, the lo-pez. In 2004, she became the president of Ann Coulter's Getting Along Foundation. In recognition of her efforts to conserve America's dwindling oxygen supply, she was awarded the Cong Med o-Ho from American President of Vice Bertini. Oh yeah… and her ass has its own congressman.
There has been some coy speculation in the gutter press about, well, about part of her. Best estimates by unbiased observers with telescopes suggest it's roughly from here to the shops. A team of volunteer tailors armed with a specially constructed industrial strength tape measure set off around her left side in November 2004 and haven't yet emerged. To put it in perspective, imagine Calista Flockhart standing at the centre of the Sun, magnified so that the tippy-tips of her nipples just touched the equator of the planet Mercury. Then in comparison Ms Lopez's, ah, prominence, would be out in the Oort Cloud and she would possibly have Quaoar wedged up inside her, possibly both Quaoar and Sedna, though as you'll appreciate this is a very, very difficult thing to estimate with any accuracy, unless you're one of her husbands. If you are one of her husbands, please help Uncyclopedia by expanding this stub.
Is "J LO" as real as she says?
For her movie Gigli Jennifer "J Lo" Lopez' curves were toned down for advertisements. Lopez, who is no doubt a very talented person though many people have tried, she remains one of the only people in the world to have successfully pulled off both a singing and acting career but it is a well known fact that lopez has a bigger seat bone than most others.
Lopez's breakup with actor fiance Ben Affleck for calling her bum big may be seen by some as a gross over reaction but the reasons why Lopez is so touchy about her industrial sized rump have become clear to Uncyclopedia. Jennifer was not born with an expanded end as most people would think, nor was it teen hormones changing her as she beacame a woman, infact from photos found it can be seen that her structure began to change at approximately the age of 18.
Seymour Butts, a reliable source of this website's has given strong evidence that Lopez trained with a crazed American doomsday cult who believed that expanding the size of her bum could create a blast big enough to destroy the entire world. Lopez decided to join the bum worshiping cult after feeling strongly that she could relate to the story of the cult on the 60 minutes story "They must be morons".
"I could see her potential as soon as she squeezed her butt through the door," told Mr Seymour Butts, an ex member of the Butt-worshipers cult. "I took one look at her butt and knew that if any butt could destroy the world that one would be it". "She wasn't very enthusiastic at first but when I told her about the probing she was all for it. She said she'd known all her life that her bum had a great purpose in life and that she now knew what that was". "I escaped the cult only after Jennifer left, without the power held by her bum our plan could not be continued, I was shattered at the time but then I realised I was a nutcase".
The crazed cult used complex genetic modification techniques astonishingly advanced for the early twentieth century when Lopez was eighteen. Yes that's right she is eighty-five years old but left no evidence of her existence as her family didn't like her and didn't even notice that she was gone. Lopez remained cryogenically frozen for future bum research for over 50 years.
When Lopez awoke from the chamber she was so shocked by the changes to her hips that she ran away to Hollywood to join the circus. When the circus rejected her she started her acting career and became the talented personality we know today.
When Uncyclopedia asked Lopez for her side of the story she replied "What the hell is wrong with your website? has the world gone mad? that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and that's not even why I broke up with Ben, what kind of idiot would believe this trash?" clearly showing that she's hiding something.
While there is yet to be proof that Lopez was cryogenically frozen for 50 years by a bum worshipping cult there is no doubt that her farts could kill at least a dozen people or wipe out a small country.
On one occasion when the oscars and oscar committee went missing, hours later after a long search was abandoned, when she got up to leave it turned out that she had been sitting on them, this has also been known to happen to her co-stars and film crew as well because her butt has a lot of coverage.
Height: 6 foot 2", Butt: 13,000,000 acres sq. (has world-class golf resort and spa near the small of the back, and a cancer-research center on the right buttock) Hair: Fake. Receives daily atomic wedgies from Marcus Antony. Demeanor: Egotisical Cunt
Recent butt reduction surgery was scaled back at the urging of scientists after it turned out that it had been blocking out substantial amounts of sunlight and resulting in Global Cooling and that reduction threatened to result in runaway Global Warming, is currently in dispute with the White House over an end to Inspections and threats to proceed with reduction, in a recent initiative though the US offered though to return to talks and as a preliminary offer grant her a permanent seat on the Security Council and re-establishment of full relations and that if verifiable inspections resumed then the threat of force would be dropped and she would have their full support.
Recently her butt sex developed a new career, whereas previously on Red Dwarf they had mentioned that they had found planets shaped like various female celebrities bottoms, they then decided why not just use J-Lo's and a number of roles in upcoming films where the earth is under threat from approaching asteroids and planets.
The National Geographic has issued maps of her butt, a large team was employed to carry out the survey, most never returned.
Only person ever to have used Mount Everest as a sexual device, to Jennifer Lopez a volcano is the best vibrator of all - just as hot as she is and able to reach the parts other sexual devices can't reach.
In addition at certain times of the year she is opened to the public for free admission, with tours available to both entrances\exits.
It is believed that Muse wrote the song Supermassive Black Hole about Lopez' behind. In any case, its interactions with its environment were never fully understood until Stephen Hawking proposed Hawking radiation as a measure of the sexual allure of black holes.
Her first marriage was to a man named Noah who was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar which later inspired Human League to write a song about it that was a big hit in the 80s in the UK. Later he worked as her manager until one day she accidentally sat on and crushed him.
Then she had an affair with a hip hop performer called Diddy Peanut Daddy or Puff the Magic Dragon or Puffy Faced Old Diddy or some such thing, who lives in a variety of places, he used her ass to shield himself in shootouts and hide weapons, after a shootout at a nightclub she was arrested on felony charges of possession of an illegal firearm, but they couldn't get her ass in the jail and so she was released, he couldn't cope with being referred to as Buttboy Diddy and so broke up with her ass.
Her second marriage was to her former backup dancer, Cris Judd. She met Judd while filming the music video for her single "Love Don't Cost a Thing, but I need money for plastic surgery on my ass." The two were married on September 29 2001, at a home in a Los Angeles suburb. Their marriage effectively ended in June 2002, when Lopez began publicly dating Ben Affleck.
After Affleck she started dating Mark Antony, but as he was born in 83BC the age difference eventually became too much and especially his affair with Cleopatra, and ultimately he killed himself with a sword.