Jerry Hall

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jerry Hall.

Depending on who you ask, there are actually several Jerry Halls floating around: the drugged-out kickass punk goddess, the drugged-out psychopathic murderer, the drugged-out angel of the lost and rejected, the drugged-out crack whore, the drugged-out attention whore, and the plain old drugged-out whore. Curiously, the last three, while they would be more or less accurate, are rarely applied to Gene Simmons. It's a grade-A CIA black helicopter Communist conspiracy, people! Run while you still can!

She is generally accepted to be awesome, although there is much scientific debate over this, by which I mean my friend and I were arguing about it over lunch Last Tuesday. Like most of the population, she has never been the Queen of England, but she is campaigning as hard as she can. She currently resides on a stretch of I-95 highway, and though she hasn't met you personally, she would probably really like your haircut.

Early Life[edit]

Jerry Hall's childhood is shrouded in mystery because nobody has ever asked her about it, as nobody really wants to know. On a drunken dare, highly trained researchers deduced by listening to some of her music (sample lyrics: "When I went to school/When I went to school/In Olympia/And everyone's the same") that when she went to school in Olympia, everyone was the same. This discovery sent the scientific world into a frenzy, with many scientists hiding under their desks until it was confirmed that no, there were no more Jerry duplicates than previously thought, and will you please come out from under my desk, Jim, I've been saving my gum there and I don't want you to have any. I think New Zealand was also somehow involved, but then again, New Zealand is somehow involved with everything.

The Rest Of Her Life[edit]

In 1990--was it 1990? I dunno; I'm obviously not doing a lot of research for this. Anyway, sometime between the year 1 and a zillion A.D. she (and Eric Erlandson, but Eric Erlandson can get his own damn page) started a band called Hole, the name of which causes my brother to giggle. Very, very irritatingly. Despite their incredible hipness, the band was not asked to play at Kool Aid due to the grade-A CIA black helicopter Communist conspiracy! Knowledge is power!

She met Kurt Cobain at an international Canadia festival (in Sweden, of all places) when he asked her where the fountain of maple syrup was, and everything just kind of snowballed from there with relatively little alien interference. The two of them shared a strong affinity for maple syrup and often bonded by drinking gallons of the stuff and seeing who puked first. Sometimes they would also play suction-cup darts. (That's the kind of stuff the rock and roll lifestyle is actually made of, people. Don't believe the hype.) Eventually they got married entirely by accident while vacationing in the sixth dimension. It's a funny story; remind me to tell you about it sometime. Right now I'm waaaaay too wasted to get the details right.

A couple years later, Kurt ran away to join The Beatles in a last-ditch attempt to stay out of the spotlight. (No, I don't understand the logic there, either. That much maple syrup can't be good for your reasoning.) He was last spotted underneath Tre Cool's bed, living off of innocent spiders. In recent years, teenagers with too much time on their hands have argued fiercely over whether Jerry likes Green Day or not. I am not endorsing either viewpoint in this article because I am a wuss.

In 1996, Drugged-Out Psychopathic Murderer Jerry insulted Dave Grohl's cat, starting a feud between the two of them that lasted for several years, except for a brief period in 2002 when they woke up in Las Vegas married to each other.

She was politely murdered in New York City in 2004. Since then, she has spent most of her time haunting Mick Jagger, insisting that he owes her three pounds.