Jesi

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The Jesi (plural form of Jesus) are the brothers of Jesus who fill in for him on sick days and help him pick ties for Wacky Tacky Tie Friday. They also help other people when Jesus seems to be doing okay on His own. Their current project is to make Jim Davis realize what a dickhole he is.

It is also a little known fact that the Jesi hunt in packs of rooughly seven or eight with one alpha Jesus. The natural prey of the Jesi are the Flying Spaghetti Monster. However due to global warming and over forestation and all that other eco shit the Jesi have been forced out of their natural hunting grounds into more urban areas and are now often found prowling around the back of Italian resteraunts. This has led to them becoming a real problem for the owners of the resteraunts.

SO BE WARNED THE jESI ARE COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Members of the Jesi[edit]

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt[edit]

Ol' Ted is the coolest of the Jesi, and probably the second or third most jolly. (Richard Nixon maintains the biased opinion that he holds the 4th spot on the jolly list) After seizing control of America in 2813, he decided to save the world again by resetting the silly, outdated Gregorian calender back to 1812 to end the War Famine of 2810. He does not like Garfield at all.

Santa Claus[edit]

Santa Claus, whose alliance with the Pope has been all too apparent for the last 1200 years, is undeniably the most jolly of the Jesi (Richard Nixon maintains the biased opinion that the only reason Santa gets to be number one most jolly is because he wrote the list himself). He usually spends his time creeping around Myanmar and the Malay Peninsula to find whores to impregnate so he can create slaves for his sweat shops. He has a strong dislike for Garfield.

Donkey Kong[edit]

Donkey Kong cannot dance. At all. He thinks Garfield is gay.

Michael J. Fox[edit]

Michael "Jitters" Fox is the only member of the Jesi who was adopted into the brotherhood of Christ. Like all terminally celebrities, God forgave all of his sins (including the sin of starring in not one but three Back to the Future movies) after he was diagnosed. He used his money to start some sorry-ass foundation or whatever for other little sick kids he pretends to care about just so he can keep his identity as one of the Jesi secret. His popularity with God, however, has started slipping since he started endorsing stem cell research, something that God's spokesmen have repeatedly reminded us was a sin. Probably the only thing that keeps God from disowning Mikey is the fact that he doesn't think Garfield is very funny.

Jeff Probst[edit]

Jeff Probst, while legally a Jesus by blood, is usually either hosting his hit reality show, "Survivor", or banging whatever whore on the show he can get his greedy little hands on. He is the youngest of the Jesi, still only 6 years from when he was bioengineered by CBS. He makes sure not to buy any newspaper that prints Garfield.

"DEMICUS"[edit]

Demico, one of the newer, younger members of the sacred reign of the jesi, has become jesus' bodygaurd. he sports bulletproof flesh, defensive tentacles extending from his groin, and an IQ of 230. he has replaced Chuck Norris as Uber Beast of the universe. he has a beard that is the enV of many, and does not intend to let jesus down, no matter how many Romans or Jews get in his way. In addition, an MP3 player and headphones have been infused into his anatomy, allowing him to crush all jewish and antichristian opponents (like Dan Sprayjew) with his christian hymns, including, but not limited to, "Ass and Titties," "I'm Horny," and "Vi Sitter Har I Venten Och Spelar Lite Dota." He Pwns Garfield up the Ass. Zors.

Your taxdollars at work[edit]

The Jesi in a 1948 ad campaign. Their unpopularity at the time was believed to be because of the color on the poster, which the world simply wasn't ready for.

Few people know how the Jesi work for them in their neighborhoods. The Jesi have recently launched an awareness campaign to spread the word about how they improve the lives of millions upon trillions of Americans every nanosecond. They pass out ping pong balls made from non-recycled material which bear their slogan, "Hit me with a fresh one, suga!" This crypic message is the very driving force behind the Jesi and all their good works.

Jesi in the Media[edit]

  • Stephen Colbert featured the Jesi as "The Word" on his TV show, The Colbert Report
  • Jim Davis filed a lawsuit against the Jesi in 1508, claiming that they used his face in a porno without his permission
  • Bill O'Reilly is still a pussy
  • Tom Cruise has regularly expressed his desire to be one of the Jesi, and now has decided that the only way to become a Jesi is to get SARS
  • The New York Times published a cartoon about the Jesi in 1908 drawn by Bill O'Reilly, who is still a large, sandy vagina
  • Super Pope awarded the Jesi the "World's Best Friend" award in 2012
  • Yep, he's a big pussy. Bill O'Reilly has sand in his pussy.

Jesi in space[edit]

The Jesi made the decision to explore the final frontier in 1995. They finished construction of their base of operations two minutes later in 1996. This establishment was originally dedicated by the name "Lasagna's RE-venge", but was later renamed "International Space Station" after Teddy Roosevelt fixed the calendar again so that The Grudge 2 could be released on a Friday the 13th in October. (Anyone can schedule a Friday the 13th to release a scary movie on for a mere 6 oz. of orc blood)

Applications to become a Jesus[edit]

As of 1985, the Jesi have begun accepting job applications from Jesus wannabes. Only nineteen applications were ever actually read by the Jesi, and of these nineteen applicants, four were accepted, none of which survived the plane ride to Atlantis, the Jesi's Earth headquarters constructed completely from Disney animators' crushed spirits and broken dreams.

Anyone can apply to become a Jesus. The questions on the application include:

  • What makes you think you would make a good Jesi?
  • How old were you when you lost your virginity?
  • HAVE you lost your virginity?
  • Isn't scientology bullshit?
  • On a scale from one to ten, how would you rate your buoyancy?
  • Did you watch All in the Family?
  • Where's your head at?

Usually, however, the selected applicants all suffer mysterious accidents that prevent them from joining the Jesi's secret club.