JesusTron Wars

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The JesusTron Wars are a series of universe-spanning conflicts beginning in 2026 and continuing to this day. Battles have ranged from minor skirmishes involving typical soldiers to planet-devasting assaults by Jesii like Robot Jesus and Jesus H. Christ.

So far, the United Nations has blamed the JesusTron Wars for the deaths of over four billion quadrillion combatants and over twelve sextillion innocents. The UN is also investigating claims of genocide made by all sides.

The Beginning[edit]

Almost all historians agree that the JesusTron Wars began with the advent of Personal Jesus, a popular toy for the 2026 Christmas season. Mothers all over the world camped outside of toy stores just to be the first women to secure the hot toys in time for the holidays. When the stores opened at 7:00 AM on November 29th all hell broke loose.

Massive shoot outs and knife fights broke out between mothers in toy stores all over the world. By 9:00 that morning it was estimated that 1000 people were dead and ten thousand more were wounded. The governments of the world attempted to confine these riots, assuming that they would all die down soon enough. They were wrong, horribly wrong.

After a week the fights continued and over one million people, mostly bystanders, were dead. The mothers had split themselves into two opposing armies, each battling for Personal Jesii, not caring who they had to kill.

The two maternal armies were the Baptist Bible Beaters and the Catholic Death Corps. They broke into military installations all over Earth and amassed forces to be reckoned with.

Santa Intervenes[edit]

On December 17th 2026 Santa Claus realized that he would need his own Personal Jesii for Christmas Eve. He immediately deployed his Elf Death Troopers all over the Earth to ransack Mother bases for any Jesii they could find.

At first Santa was succesful. He promised the governments of the world that he would restore order in exchange for the Personal Jesii. Santa was succesful in his battles against the Mothers and it did come to pass that the people of the world worshipped him saying, "Santa, I am not worthy to recieve you, only say the word and I shall get presents."

This righteously pissed off Original Jesus who came down from heaven with a shit load of angels and promptly beat the living fuck out of everyone and everything.

The United Jesii Megaforce[edit]

And so, Original Jesus hated the world so much that he united with Jesus Christ, Jesus H. Christ, Bizarro Jesus, Ted Jesus Christ God, Micro Jesus, Jesus Hasselhoff, Ultra Jesus, Black Jesus, and all the other Minor Jesii, so that whosoever blasphemed him would not be saved, but would recieve an everlasting ass kicking.

The Aliens Arrive[edit]

An Alien race from planet Butt Fuck noticed the turmoil taking place on Earth and felt it would be the perfect time to anal probe everyone.

When the aliens landed, no one was ready. Even the Jesii warriors found bizzare instruments lodged in their rectums. This went on for a long time with no retaliation until Whitley Strieber gathered the world's toughest soldiers together to form the Religious Right who immediately declared all out war on the the aliens from planet Butt Fuck.

This moved the JesusTron Wars from into outer space until ultimately the war engulfed the entire galaxy.

The Robots Arrive[edit]

This Terminator was given a body to resemble St. Peter, the first Pope, and sent back in time

During all this time Atheists were understandably pissed off. The sudden realization that Jesus and God were real, albeit evil, was a shock.

They decided to build a Terminator to kill the Jesii.

They sent their first Terminator back to the First Century where it posed as Pontius Pilate and demanded that Jesus be crucified.

The Terminator was succesful. However, before Jesus died on the cross he uttered, "I'll be back." And came back to life three days later.

Back in the future, Original Jesus began the Atheist Holocaust out of revenge against the atheists. So far six million atheists have died. The atheists, however, were able to build a massive army of Terminators before the Holocaust who now fight in their stead.

Recent Developments[edit]

As of recent times there is no end to the JesusTron Wars in sight.

Currently Jews are planning on getting in on the action under the name of the Hanukah Liberation Army.