Jesus stick

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“If it weren't for my Jesus stick, I wouldn't have had any disciples.”

~ Jesus Christ on His Tool

“This beat is hot, this beat is sick, come and take a ride on my Jesus stick”

“I got the Jesus stick uh uh Jesus ahuh ahuh”

~ 50 Cent on Jesus stick


A typical Jesus stick, as seen on the TV show "Lost."

A "Jesus stick" can be any blunt instrument capable of inflicting severe head trauma. They are mostly used to aid in convincing non-believers to accept Jesus as their savior. They are also occasionally used for general ass beating, killing small animals, and bondage play.


This ancient rendering is thought to be Jesus' own Jesus stick. It could also possibly be an ancient.

Contrary to popular belief, the Jesus stick is not named after Jesus Christ, but rather Jesus Christ is named after the Jesus stick. The stick's name actually comes from Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd, a legendary Aztec warrior renowned for his ass-beating skills. Emanuel never killed his challengers; instead, he would leave them with severe brain damage and convince them to do his bidding, which usually involved creating giant piles of rocks for no particular reason. When Emanuel passed away at the age of 364, he left his stick to his first-born son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd, whom he named after his father. Emanuel the 2nd carried the stick for several years, but after a rather unsettling encounter with six midgets and a Guatemalan hooker, he vowed never to use the stick again. Witnesses overheard him call it "a worthless god-damned Jesus stick" as he tossed it aside, thus coining the term.

Afterwards, the original Jesus stick passed out of history, but the practice of beating ass with Jesus sticks lived on. Some six million years later, a Middle Eastern kid by the name of Josh Carpenter took a trip to Columbia to get some blow. While he was there, he got into an argument with a drug lord by the name of Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzales the Nth and was beaten with a Jesus stick to within an inch of his life. When he emerged from a three year coma, he returned to the Columbian drug cartel and asked to be trained in the ancient art of Jesus stick ass beating. The drug lord Emanuel, who was so impressed that Josh still had an IQ above 17, offered to train him personally. After several long, grueling minutes, his training was complete, and Josh Carpenter took on the name Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ (often abbreviated as simply Jesus H. Christ.) Emanuel then fashioned for him a Jesus stick the likes of which had never been seen, and bid him farewell in the manner of his people: "Pinche gringo culero ve a chingar a tu reputisima madre!"

Upon returning to Middle Earth, he swiftly began beating ass at random with his Jesus stick. Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ and his escapades have been described in over 8 trillion different, conflicting documents worldwide, which invariably makes the study of this subject quite difficult.


The result of proper use of the top-down technique.

Jesus sticks are usually inscribed with cryptic messages which can be used to confuse and distract the person to be saved. Once distracted, there are two ways to save your target. The first involves significant damage to the cranium, and the second involves sodomy. These are referred to as the "top-down" and "bottom-up" approaches (respectively.) The proper "top-down" technique was first discussed in Stone Cold Steve Austin's biography, "How to Kick Ass and Convert Sinners":

“Well, first, you swing really hard at the back of the head. If that don't take 'em down you might have to hit 'em agian. When you see blood coming out of their ears, that's when you know it's workin'.”

~ Stone Cold Steve Austin on Jesus sticks

The bottom-up technique has never been fully documented, primarily because it is much messier and less desirable than the top-down technique. It has, however, shown much promise. Famed actor Andy Dick was supposedly saved by this technique when he ran into a homeless missionary in a back alley in New York. In fact, New York seems to be experiencing an upsurge in the bottom-up technique; despite the allegations, it now appears that Ashley Dupre was using Eliot Spitzer's own Jesus stick to try and save him with this method.

It is important to note that some groups may not respond to one, or either, of the techniques. For example, it has been demonstrated that the Irish (or anyone with a consistent BAC of 0.5% or greater) are resistant to the top-down approach. Homosexuals have been known to seek out Jesus stick holders and ask for the "bottom-up." Do not be fooled; if this happens to you, begin the top-down treatment immediately. Also, neither method will work on politicians, Muslims, blond women, midgets, or Guatemalan hookers.


The use of Jesus sticks has led to some controversy, but because the victim almost always accepts Jesus once the brain or rectal hemorrhaging stops, arguments against the practice are usually dismissed as anti-Christian. It has been said that almost every overseas missionary carries their own Jesus stick, in the very likely event that they are not immediately accepted by their target group. Widespread use of Jesus sticks has resulted in thousands of conversions worldwide.

See Also[edit]