Jet Li

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo6.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Jet Li.
DramaticQuestionMark.png
Did you know…
Jet Li has his own official website!!!! Official site - [1]

Jet Li (Chinese: 李連杰) is a super Asian disguised as a fighting actor so that one day when he's close enough to Chuck Norris, he can show that you have to be Asian to have power. He easily can end any gay non-Asian martial artists and is the leader of Japan (Japan=The Earths most peverted place). If he didn't have to be so nice, he and Jackie Chan would control the Earth and resurrect Bruce Lee(they're planning. Thus, if you're a martial artist, you should get some tape to make your eyes look Asian). It is a known fact that Asians can fly (but Dragonballs Z had to make it look gay)and that they are really from another planet named "Asia Land". It is kinda a kids name but that is the way it is. Before Bruce Lee died, there was a meeting to whoop George Bush's ass on his birthday party, before Spongebob Squarepants (Spongebob Squarepants is the reincarnation of Hitler but hates Asians secretly instead of Jews) could give him "DA STUFF" about Asians. Sadly, Lee died, so Jet Li and Jackie just made a tsunami to kill Spongebob and all his mutated friends (they also accidently killed that retarded fish Emo or Nemo or something). Spongebob hated asians because all asians had better houses than sponges(*cough**cough*pineapples*cough**cough*). Anyway, Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee were all all capable of Ka-Me-Ha-Me-HA, but the trio's move was put into some crap made by Japan(before Japan was part of Asia) and now the move has been so bloody fucking bagged by retards thinking that Asians are gay. Jet Li assasinated that vegetable Akira Toriyama (we all found out that he was a vegetable after naming his gay DBZ characters them, eg. Kakarot=carrot) for his copy writing. There is a rumour that Spongebob survived and is president Mugabe of Zimbabwe in disguise. If you are in possession of any new intelligence, please contact your local asian ninja squad.

Apparently, eighty percent of people worldwide believe that Jet Li is a Gundam (some robot thingy). They believe his powers increase over 10 fold after every transformation, and still has 2 more. There is no concrete evidence supporting such claims, and any idiot attempting to obtain such classified material will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

(If you have any pictures of Jet Li or Captain Falcon (i.e. Jet Li at age 4), please add them to this article.)


What are Asians?[edit]

An Asian is a person that has come from the continent Asia . Asians are the most powerful species and hailing from the planet "Asia Land". They created a hand-to-hand based ass-kicking form called Er Bai Wu developed by Jet Li himself. Other ass-kicking techniques exist, pero eso no es importante. Jet Li created Er Bai Wu to block Chuck Norris's famed roundhouse kick to the face!(not even Chuck himself can see it coming) Some claim that this proves that Asians are the most powerful species ever to exist in the known and unknown multiverses and blah and blah and blah, blah, blah. Asians also have the ability to go Super Saiyan when needed and crash vehicles at high speeds, killing anyone that pisses them off. Hence they are considered bad drivers. Never look into an Asian's eyes, due to the fact that your eyes will contract to the size of theirs, thereby damaging your vision greatly. Jet Li created such a form so it could be used for its main purpose...to block Chuck Norris's famed roundhouse kick to the face.

History[edit]

DramaticQuestionMark.png
Did you know…
JET LI is the second best Asian alive!!!!(Bruce Lee isn't dead, he's actually underground and we need to bring him back to the surface life)

Jet Li was born 26/4/'63 and was kidnapped by Chuck Norris at birth. Chuck Norris tried to kill him quickly because he knew that he was the one going to destroy him and was supremely scared of Jet Li him self. He started smashing his head with a hammer but simply broke. Jet Li went all Asian on him, but because of his age, Chuck wasn't completely damaged. Chuck then used his gay Dragonball Z crap and made clones of himself. During the time he was screaming, Jet Li walked off because Norris got really constipated. Jet Li didn't have a cool name until he went to the Shaolin temple. There he was informed that he was from the planet Krypton and begun planning his revenge on Non-Asians. Jet Li was called evil, but at least his mother wasn't a whore.

What will be likely to happen[edit]

Jet Li will bring back Bruce Lee and the trio will have returned. Later on, Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking will probably take all asian women as their wives to help weed out asians. However, asian men are known for their innate ability to clone themselves and hence this plan will likely fail miserably.

Jet Li's part[edit]

Jet Li about to teleport himself to Asia Land.

Jet Li will have to pretend to be killed in 2011 by Chuck Norris but some people won't believe it(even though Chuck Norris himself can't defeat Jet Li with his most powerful and common finishing move...the round house kick to the face finisher). While he has disappeared, he will be at the Shoalin Temple taking all of the masters and students strengths and skills and absorbing them. He will then leave Earth and go back to Asia Land to tell the army to begin the attack.

Films[edit]

Off course Jet Li has made some of the best films on this Earth (because he was in it) like "The Shoalin Temple series". He made that so people would know he was from there. All his Chinese movies were great except for that dodgey The Fong Sai-Yuk, you got to admit it kinda sucked. Most of his American films were alright, but a couple were great. After they finish the Forbidden Kingdom 2, that's right 2 in 2010, there is a rumor that they're making a show (not a movie but a TV series) on Spongebob Squarepants. I think they might of released it but, in the last series there will be an all out war between Asians and retarded mutants living under the sea. Spongebob looks a lot better than he actually does in real life, if you want to see him, go look under the sea, he lives in a pineapple. His remains might not exist but I assure you he was literally a dick head because his nose was one. It is also known that Neo, in the Matrix was actually Jet Li because he could fly. Why do you think he always wears sunglasses when he's flying, that's right, think about it.

And how could you forget about the F-zero Densetsu anime. He is the real Captain Falcon and not Bart Lemming. But by far, Jet Li's best ever movie was definitely, "You think your better than an Asian? Ha Ha Ha!". Jet Li had to demonstrate what Asians can do, but got sued for bagging other races. So Li just killed those that prosecuted him and fed their flesh to his pet, Cerberus.

Natural Disasters by Jet Li[edit]

Jet Li, like all Super Asians, had super human strength. Jet Li always used his powers for a good cause, like punishing those that didn't listen to him. One of my favourite punishments that he did was the tsunami in Indonesia. In 2004, there was a so called "Natural Disaster" hit Indonesia, and also Jet Li was also there. He was there asking the government to help him prepare for the attack in 2012, but they did not listen to him. He was in ragged beyond limits, he did not think Indonesia was worthy enough to be an Asian country. So he created a tsunami to destroy it. He could hurt (I know it seems impossible) because he used to much power when he stomped on the floor. He then flew away with his daughter laughing his head off.

Another Disaster was the Solar Flare on November 4 2003. Jet Li was flying around with Jackie Chan, tormenting pilots that weren't Asian. Jackie got bored of it so he proposed a super Asian fight, which ofcourse Jet Li accepted. During the fight, Jackie Chan decided to go Super Asian 2 (There going all Dragonball Z without the constipation part) and began owning our good friend Li. Jackie was winning, until Jet Li went Super Asian 3. While they were fighting, they both did a real Ka-me-ha-me-Ha therefore causing a Solar Flare. Scientists should look at Asians because if they did, it would help explain strange phenomenon.

Asia Land[edit]

Asia Land is a B-E-A-Utiful place filled with Asians. The only bad thing there was that everyone was shifty and only thought of money. Asia Land used to be Earth's sistering planet until they attacked us. When they attacked Asian Land, Bruce Lee killed them all and stole all their high-tech weapons and gave them all amnesia. Asia Land moved next to Jupiter after that and it changed because of that day and the people didn't trust anyone. Then one day, on 1965, Earth sent a rocket nuke that was more powerful than Falcon Punch, Sonic, Mario, the Master sword and Pickachu in one attack. Jet Li's father went into the blast before it reached Asia Land. He died when Jet Li was only 2. And that's bloody true so don't bag him especially the Falcon Punch rocket (Falcon Punch apparently in the anime was about the size of the galaxy). Earth is a little stupid because they still haven't realised the similarity between Asia Land and Asia.

Jet Li swore that day he would kill earthlings when he found that out in the Shoalin temple (Asia Land made a replica and named it Asia and put some people there like Jet Li and they put the Shoalin Temple there. If you don't believe me, you can go to hell).

Asia Land has made a powerful space-ships. But the most powerful is definitely "The S.S more powerful than Superman, Bat Man, Spider-man, The incredible Hulk, The fantastic 4 and Iron-man combined". It was named that because they shoved them all in the Ships engine. They intend to take over the Earth but the Ship is probably to big to fit on Earth, so they might accidently destroy it. They have put Jet Li in charge of it even though he can't speak proper english and the The S.S more powerful than Superman, Bat Man, Spider-man, The incredible Hulk, The fantastic 4 and Iron-man combined is controlled by voice IN ENGLISH.

See Also[edit]


BAD MOTHERFUCKERS
BMF.jpg Bruce Campbell - Bruce Lee - Charles Bronson - Chow Yun-Fat - Clint Eastwood - Jack Dempsey -

Robert Englund - Dirty Harry - Dolemite - Jackie Chan - Mohandas Gandhi - James Bevel - Martin Luther King, Jr. - Tony Jaa - Jet Li - Shaft - Red Forman - Samuel L. Jackson - Ving Rhames - Tails the Straight - Mike Tyson - John Wayne - Mr. T - Chuck Norris - the Notorious B.I.G. - Jabba the Hutt - Juggernaut - Rambo - Charlton Heston - Big Daddy