Jewish Problem

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In mathemagics, the Jewish Problem is a paradox similar to the dreaded Epimenides Paradox, or Bertrand Russell's famous paradox, rather paradoxically called Cantor's Dilemma.

The Problem, As Such[edit]

The problem, as such, is this: if you offer a Jew a free ham, will he accept it? Or, in formal terms:

Many solutions to the Jewish problem have been proposed over the years, but none have completely satisfied the exacting standards of professional mathemagicians.

The So-called "Final" Solution[edit]

The most unusual (and repugnant) solution thus far, ultimately rejected on humanitarian grounds, was proposed in 1941 by then-eminent mathemagician Adolf Hitler. His alleged solution was mistakenly read as also being a solution to the Russian Problem, (despite the previously published papers on the Russian Reversal), the Asian Problem, and the uber-generalized Problem X.

Though Hitler's solution is known to show that a proof for the problem exists, it should be noted that it does not constitute what mathematicians would call a constructive proof, and it is precisely a constructive solution to the Jewish problem that was asked for on Hilbert's Nth Problem.

Quantum Mechanics and Jews[edit]

Many years later, the Jewish mathemagician Paul Cohen successfully reduced the insidious problem to the physical realm. In a 1963 speech to the Israeli Knesset, Cohen showed that, under ideal conditions, a real-world Jew/Ham system enters a superposition of n quantumly-entangled states, denoted as:


and therefore the Jew absconds with (and dines on) the non-kosher delicacy only when nobody else is looking. Unfortunately, the Superconducting Super Collider failed to find any evidence for bound Jew/Ham states below the 470 giggleV threshold before it exploded in a colossal showering of bloody gobbets, and so the problem remains unsolved to this day.