Jihad★Mart

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JIHAD★Mart's aggressive ad campaign.

Death and destruction every day, that's the Jihad★Mart way!”

~ JIHAD★Mart corporate song

Jihad! Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai!”

~ Everyday Jihad★Mart shopper

“ Death to the Infidels!”

~ Jihad★Mart greeter

“My Mother bought my first rentboy from Jihad★Mart. Great Quality, Great Prices. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jihad★Mart's Entertainment Section

“I bought an "Uncle Achmed RPG playset" at a low price! it came with real infidel killing action! ”

~ Al Mu, the littlest terrorist on Jihad★Mart's Toy Section

Jihad★Mart is a chain of stores created in 2002 to revive Mall★Wart's struggling middle-eastern division. It specializes in low-priced explosives, AK-47s, burqas, ski masks (which are hard to find in the desert), Slim Jims, RPGs, and FEZ hats.

History[edit]

Jihad★Mart was founded by Osama Mohammed bin-Walton in 2002. Welcomed enthusiastically by the public, Jihad★Mart broke several earnings records set by the Taliban's telemarketing subsidiary, TeleJihad. People found the large selection of terror-related needs refreshing, a welcomed change from competitor's small collection of poin-ted sticks and grapefruits.

Jihad★Mart has quickly established a large presence in the Middle East, much to the chagrin of US-based competitors such as 9-Eleven. The number of Jihad★Marts in Baghdad alone is double the number of Starbuck's found on the average New York City block. This astronomical amount averages out to 10 stores a goat(The Iraqi term for block).

Merchandise[edit]

Jihad★Mart's Osama bin Walton

While Jihad-Mart can be considered at best a necessary evil, they do have their uses.

For instance, carry a complete inventory of guns and weapons-grade plutonium for hunting and fission aficionados, an array of halal foods and a full line of handy power tools for home and workshop, along with toys for jihadi of all ages. Their line of stones for stoning infidels and women are among their bestsellers, and come highly recommended by clerics all over the Middle East. They also sell a wide range of Osama Bin Walton Action figures featuring ultra Jihad declaring action and Ak-47 and Car Bomb sounds

Osama's Club[edit]

“We bring you wholesale jihad and mayhem at Allah's lowest prices”

~ Osama bin Laden on Osama bin Walton

A bulk warehouse store based on the Costco and Price Club models, Osama's Club offers discounted prices on wholesale destruction, as well as quantity discounts on everything you need for home and camel. The full line of Saddam's Choice store-brand products are available in quantity.

The current best-seller in the Saddam's Choice line is I can't believe it isn't a Weapon of Mass Destruction™. Introduced by Saddam and Osama just before the US invasion of 2003, I can't believe it isn't a Weapon of Mass Destruction has quickly built a loyal and fanatical following in key Middle East hotspots. The Memories of Dresden napalm pack has also been a hot seller.

As competition for freedom fighters and their dinars is fierce, Osama's Club keeps prices low by reducing overhead. This principle has been pioneered from a cave in an undisclosed location in the mountains near the Pakistan-Afghanistan border since Jihad★Mart's inception.

Osama's Club also participates in donating to community activities such as the stoning of infidels, the Donation of car Bombs to Jihad Groups, and most importantly, Bicycle Safety lectures. They also infrequently make Jihad Videos declaring Jihad on such things as Tighty Whities, most Animals, hubcaps, most celebrities, and the Canadian Tire Guy.

Competitors[edit]

Jihad★Mart's primary rival is the US-based Target chain of department stores. Competition is fierce between the two chains.

From his mountain cave, Osama bin Walton will most often be heard exhorting his troops (or "associates") to bomb US Targets or destroy US Targets utterly. This would seem to be an easy task due to the fact that the Target logo can be seen for miles. The Target designers thought of this and reinforced the walls of target with jihad proof rednecks. Thus rendering jihad attacks useless.

Unfortunately, shoppers in these stores are often poorly-armed fat guys, with the result that hundreds or thousands of casualties are incurred in each attack on a key US Target location.

Interestingly enough,Jihad★Mart's second largest rival is the fast food chain, Carl's Jr.

Criticism[edit]

A Mecca for would-be freedom fighters, Jihad★Mart has often been the target of criticism from many in the region. They argue that the store has aggressively pushed smaller, "mom and pop" terrorist cells out of business and that suppliers are being held hostage to Jihad-Mart's pricing demands.

Jihad★Mart is notorious for its non-union workforce and for importing large quantities of its product from wretched third world countries such as Arkansas.

Jihad★Mart operatives, euphemistically known as "sales associates", tend to be rather aggressive in their marketing tactics — in some cases even more ruthless than the terrorists themselves. The large number of cameras deployed in Jihad★Mart stores also has been known to put privacy-conscious terrorists rather ill-at-ease[1].

The expansion of the Jihad★Mart empire nonetheless continues unchecked.

Products[edit]

The only book found in the "Books" section. Later it was reported to have sold a record-breaking amount of two copies.
  • Tal Ipod
  • Tali Ban
  • iTerrorist
  • Shit
  • TerroristBox360
  • AK-47
  • AK-74
  • AK-103
  • Decor for all your cave needs
  • Arab slaves
  • Jihide
  • Cocaine
  • TerrorStation
  • Rocket Propelled Grenade
  • Anthrax
  • Briefcase Nuke (Now with Uranium-235!)
  • TnT Coat (Now comes in 40 pounds of TNT!)
  • Extreme Turners extremeness
  • How to Hijack and Fly a Boeing 737 by Osama Bin Laden
  • Transformers
  • How to hijack an American Airlines Aircraft
  • Allah Eats!-A guide to Allah's favorite cave delicacies!
  • Mini-Uzi
  • Sand Nuke
  • How to get to hell with a car
  • Sand
  • Sandbag
  • Sand (with crushed granite!)
  • My Sand
  • Sand
  • Sandstone
  • Sand
  • Sandwich
  • Sandbitch
  • More Sand
  • Sandfleas
  • Sand dollars riyal
  • Sand crabs
  • Sand boxes
  • Sand bags
  • Sand bag fillers (5-11 year-old kids)
  • Sand blasters
  • Sandhill cranes
  • Sandcastles
  • Sand dunes
  • Sand diggers
  • Sandals
  • Sand flys
  • Sand grouse
  • Sand gnats
  • Sandlots
  • San Diego
  • Sandra Bullock
  • Your Mom
  • Jihad! for kids!
  • Kurdish Military Industries products
  • Sand in a box
  • Sand in a bag
  • Sand in a sack
  • Sand in a nut sack
  • How to Beat the World at Hide and go Seek by Osama Bin Laden

Expansion plans[edit]

Jihad★Mart has locations across the world.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
CEO AND GENERAL MANAGER
A subsidiary of Jihad-Mart

Jihad★Mart's ambitions stop at nothing less than world domination. Jihad★Mart client states have encouraged the chain's lawyers to use the laws of eminent domain to push the nation of Israel into the sea, making room for the largest Jihad★Mart store ever. This has drawn objections in the Israeli business community, but Jihad Mart has more lawyers than all of them combined.

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Visit Osama's Club for all your terrorist needs

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