World Wrestling Entertainment

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Carlito cracks Orton; a typical pin, the pin-crack

“Anyone can wrestle, brother!! Hell, I'm a few hundred years old, brother, and Hulkamania is still running wild on you, brother!!”

~ Hulk Hogan on Being Old

“People always ask me 'Lance, why do you like pro wrestling so much?' I say that I just love the big sweaty men rolling on top of each other and bending in different pos... Oh, you're actually writing this down?”

~ Lance Bass before he came out of the closet

In the beginning...[edit]

The subliminal logo of "WWE" without an "e" , therefore WW = World War!

...there was nothing. God created the universe in five days, created human beings on day six, and on the seventh day he rested. Then on Monday God created Vince McMahon and Monday Night Raw was created by Vince McMahon. Then the WWE, was created and a set of rules were to be applied at every show :

  1. Thou shalt not kill anywhere other than the arenas of the WWF, the WCW, ECW or TNA. Unless the opposing party calls you out. Or looks funny.#
  2. Thou shalt always, always, always make yourself look better than your entire roster.
  3. Thou shalt bitch slap thy daughter and son with a two-by-four whenever possible. As a matter of fact, bitch slap anyone with a two-by-four whenever possible.
  4. Thou shalt win titles that thou deserve even if it be the championship of the very company you bought out.
  5. Thou shalt buy out your competition and destroy the wrestling industry with stupid and childish story lines.
  6. Thou shalt not steal, unless you are in a feud with the recipient of thy wrath.
  7. Thou shalt not defeat my son-in-law Triple H unless you're John Cena... Or me.
  8. Thou shalt put over my son'!
  9. Thou shalt be worthless and practice everything by script.
  10. Thou shalt take steroids 24/7 and turn up to the ring in skimpy, pathetic tights
  11. Thou shalt not mention the use of steroids to anyone.
  12. Thou shalt not reveal the true facts about kitten huffing to anyone except Mr. Vince McMahon or Myself, God
  13. Thou shalt always speak the truth as I or Vinny Mac, here, says it.
  14. Thou shalt not blow my limo up.
  15. Thou shalt Kiss it when I say to kiss it.
  16. Thou shalt Complain when I screw you out of the WWE title and never get over it.
  17. Thou shalt Get angry at people who in your face because you don't want to cool.
  18. Thou shalt Make sure to be there to make things worse when the chairman's upset.
  19. Thou shalt be severely under-used.
  20. Thou shalt feature in squash with the likes of Batista and Triple H for the first year.
  21. Thou shalt be relegated to Heat or ECW if you do not match up to the Mighty Triple H's standards.
  22. Thou shalt feature in the Money in the Bank match in order to get your career rolling.
  23. Thou shalt job for other wrestlers until thou becomes more popular, and lose a lot, until thou becomes more popular, wins a money in the bank match, kisses the chairman's ass, or marries Vince's daughter after knocking her up, whichever comes first.
  24. Thou shalt not use a steel chair, unless the ref is knocked out or not looking, or if the rules of the match allow it.
  25. Thou shalt not become general manager of any brand unless thou kisses Vince's ass at least once like William Regal did before he overdosed on his throne.
  26. Thou shalt smell what the Rock is cooking, or thou shall drink beer with Stone Cold, or thou shall have a good day with Mick Foley, or else thou shalt come up with thy own catch phrase.
  27. Thou shalt use the same storyline over and Over and OVER Again.
  28. Thou shalt Yell: "CENA SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!
  29. Thou shalt Yell: "ORTON IS GAWD!!!
  30. Thou shalt fake an injury as part of the storyline when thou hast failed a pee test for steroids or illegal drugs.
  31. Thou shalt stay loyal to the WWE, unless thou gets fired by Vince, fail too many drug tests, get thou hooked on painkillers, or the other group offers you more money to move over to their TNA show on Spike TV. Thou have a right to come back, but thou must work on a reduced salary and sometimes under a different stage name.

Through these true commandments, we see that God, and his step-son Vince McMahon, aren't some nancys who need to know how to count. Real men (and Gods) wrestle.


Vince dancing after gay marriage was allowed in Netherlands

He decided to destroy his creation by getting rid of all his good stars and replacing them with steroid-pumped homosexual men who dance around in the ring half-naked in skimpy tight pants and talk at least 99 percent of the time, not to mention all the bisexual whores as well. Unbeknownst to Vince McMahon, God also created another being to do battle with him, because He thought it would be cool. This being, known to many as Oprah (The richest, blackest, freakin' talk-show host in America.), and to others as Dolph Ziggler (who the hell is he?), was almost equal in power to Our Holy McMahon. Throughout their many battles, we saw such conflicts as:


Cody Rhodes, a fat man and Randy Orton

What, they're still fighting. Everyone knows a good WWE fights never ends. Everyone also knows that a good WWE fight turns bad by becoming predictable.


Championship Current champion(s) Date won
Cruiserweight Championship Andre The Giant March 31 1985
Womens Championship H-B-Gay Shawn Michaels ????
Ticked off Championship Bret Hart November 9 1997
Rule Breaker Championship Edge Recently
King of the Ring William Regal February 14 2008 After abusing his power as General Manager of RAW and beating up a midget dressed as leprechaun, he overdosed on his throne!
Tag Team Championship George "The Texas Power Ranger" Bush & Tony "The Tiger Eater" Blair September 11 2001
World Championship The Undertaker January 1 0000
WWE Plastic Spinner Championshit John Cena December 25 2003
Oldest Wrestler Who Needs To Retire ASAP Championship Ric Flair December 31 1925
Fattest Tag Team Championship Matt "The Fat 'N' Crap" Hardy & Good Ol' JR May 31 1975

Current important men who wrestle[edit]

The Underweartaker[edit]

Most people think Underweartaker isn't really dead, thinking Mark Callaway; the man who plays him is a normal person in real life. In reality, he's really the reigning champion of the undead. He was sent to the WWE to punish the company for it's crimes against humanity. He has a brother whom is a monster with dark sexual undertones. The story behind him still walking is that after Wheel Chair Wrestling released him, Callaway was in a freak accident that killed him. At his funeral, he sat right up out of the casket and walked right to WWE headquarters. He had been re-killed several times before by Yoko Ono, Kane, and Randy Snortin'. But he just keeps coming back from the dead.


The Undertaker's brother Kane claims he is from Hell. Burnt down the Funeral Home his parents and brother while they were still inside. Claims Paul Bearer isn't his father, but The Devil is his real father. Likes to play with fire a lot, uses fire as his entrance theme. Ability to move his arms up and then down and fire shoots out of each turnbuckle. Wears red and black. Burned Ray Mysterio's face so badly it forced him to wear a mask. Kane used to wear a mask but decided that he is more scarier looking without the mask on. Then he changed his mind and put the mask back on when Vickie Guerrero told him she'd fuck him if he wore it again.

John Cena[edit]

Agent Smith owns uncyclopedia.JPG

John Cena is a former three time WWE Champion, three time United States Champion, and one time World Tag Team Champion. He had left school at an early age to join the WWE and become a professional black man. He also cannot be beaten by a clean win due to the fact that he is Goldberg's little brother(given up for adoption). He has the ability to turn invisible by simply waving his open palm in front of his face. Cena is also a fan of the interwebs, using such terms as Fuck U, Shut The Fuck Up, and OMGWTFBBQLOL. Cena gets his ass kicked for most of the match, eventually he will reverse a move into a shoulder block and the magical white rapper god casts a spell that allows him to beat his opponents in five moves or less, the same will happen to Cena in a chess game, the five moves of doom are, shoulder block, back suplex/power bomb hybrid, falling head punch, wimpy version of death valley driver and a perfectly good submission he just had to go and ruin called the STFU. He used to be known in OVW as The Prototype, a robot cyborg from the future, but instead decided to become a black gansta rapper because that seemed to be more believable. His favorite catch phrase is "The Champ is Queer!" and "You can't see me!" after waving his hand over his face a few times. He is unstoppable but if there is eight wrestlers versus him the eight wrestlers will win. If it's seven against him then John Cena will win.

Triple H[edit]

He recently grew his leg back (It was blown off by isis terrorists). He spent his time off Banging up Stephanie McMahon and also impregnating Vince's son and hiding his flaming homosexuality thus guaranteeing his future position of Emperor of the World. He has actually been quoted as saying when he heard Chyna speaking Spanish, "JR, there many 'bi' things I am, but lingual isn't one of them... Did I just say that?" He continues holding back younger and more talented workers. He is currently in a feud with Umanga! He is also the 298th Pokemon. William Regal often claims that his real name is "Triple Haitch," but trial is pending on his official name. Most of his title wins involved some form of cheating with a sledgehammer when the ref wasn't looking. He likes to drink bottled water and spit it out at the crowd. He pops steroid pills like they are M&M's and even his eyelids have muscles on them. Since he is Vince's son-in-law and has sex all of the time with Nipple H (Vince's daughter) he gets more title shots than any other wrestler. He is one half of D-Generation-X with Shawn Michaels, who are famous for the DX crotch chop which shows off just how small their penis got from taking steroids by making the sign of an "X" with both hands and not feeling any pain from that as they chop their crotches because their testicles and penis are so small, it does not hurt. Also some 800 pound fat guy named Big Dick Johnson (A Triple Phallic symbol) likes to dance naked except for a G-String with them as he puts baby lotion all over his body. Big Dick Johnson is the only true talent in D-X and only comes out when Triple H or Shawn Michaels screws up their lines or go into a "Roid Rage" due to steroid abuse and are unable to repeat their lines. Triple H shows his big ass all the time and even gets Michaels to shove other wrestlers face in his crack.

Shawn Michaels[edit]

Something similar happened to him, but Shawn Michaels was implanted with a ball of energy at a young age that won't allow him to die. Shawn's finisher is the Give me my walking stick sunny, more commonly known as the sweet chin music though his opponents get both when his 80 year old leg goes that high. He will, however, still age visibly. This means that in about 300 years time, he will look like Hulk Hogan and still dance like a fairy. He almost lost his eye to Chris Jericho, who kept taking cheap eye shots to HBK's left eye at the Bash at the Beach match. HBK now wears an eye patch over his left eye and talks like a Pirate. HBK lost a fortune while George W. Bush was President because he invested all of his family's stock into Enron and MCI so now to make up for it he works for JBL the Texan from New York City who is part Neocon and part NeoNazi.

Randy Orton[edit]

Third arm; Orton's wardrobe malfunction

Professional twat, Randy Orton, has many abilities. His dad is a former wrestler, and so is his uncle. That is the only reason he got in the WWE and that is the only reason he is a big cocky noob. The Rock claims that when they where children, Randy would hang out with his father and play with his sister's "My Little Pony" and scream "It's my little pony, mine!" and cry a lot. Formerly of the US Marines, he was once court marshaled for failing to kill a family of cows for meat. He said, "they're just to innocent and pretty... Like me" and was sent to jail for 1,000 years. He was released from prison in the year 1975 and was signed up to the WWE immediately. His first year in the business was successful, he was known as Cyber-Tron Orton and held the United States championship for a record 12 seconds. He then lost it to Big Show the Third who got mad and destroyed Orton's mental processor. Orton was out with this injury for 5,000 years and then made a comeback. He got in the ring and destroyed John Cena Jr. with five RKO's to win the WWE Title. He wears a special brand of speedos in the Ring that always seems to be having a wardrobe malfunction because they are made by Janet Jackson especially for Randy Orton. So Randy's opponents keep pulling it down for a quick pin. When Ted Debiose Jr. made fun of him, Randy did an RKO and then Football (US Football not Soccer) Punted Ted's head halfway off his body, and then that made the other members of Priceless Cody Rhodes and Manu angry at Randy. Until Randy showed that John Cena was a bigger dick than he was, and got Cody and Manu to beat up on Cena with Chris Jericho because John Cena had returned from a broken neck and tried to steal the show at Raw. So Chris Jericho did a DDT off the entry ramp after Cody, Manu, and Randy beat the shit out of Cena, and then Jericho put Cena in the Walls of Jericho breaking his neck some more. Then the show ended, but Cena recovered by waving his hand in front of his face so nobody could see him, and that broke the hold and he walked away leaving the rest confused.

Daniel Bryan[edit]


Dolph Ziggler[edit]

Dolph Ziggler has bleached blonde hair. He likes to introduce himself and he beat the shit out of Batista in his first match. If you check his scores again he has a perfect ten. He holds our lives here in his hands. He had relationships with Maria but they broke up because Maria was sitting on the chair like a lazy ass which distract Dolph Ziggler and a shooting star hit him and he lost the match. Batista is Dolph Ziggler's bitch cause Dolph Ziggler bitch slap him in his first match. He was a cheerleader before but since he knew that it was for fagots he got out of that group. He is a former WWE Champion but John Cena defeated him in "No Fuckin Way Out" and John Cena had the title for nearly 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years. One of his well known signature moves is when he runs out the ring and makes his opponent chase him. Dolph Ziggler gets in quick before the referee counts to ten. This is how he defeated Kane.

Bobby Lashley[edit]

Bobby Lashley originally found fame starring in the hit kids TV show as Little Bill. After the show finished, Bobby joined the Army and there he was introduced to the world of professional wrestling. He immediately ate his platoon and ran off to join the WWE. Since joining, Bobby has achieved things such as winning the ECW belt of power, maintaining a vow of silence and looking stupid. Also he has nearly no neck. Coined the phrase "Respect my Lash-thority". Bobby Lashley was given the name Bobbina Lashley (due to Lashley being a girl at birth). Bobbinas cup size is 24B, and she loves Sisqo. Bobbina is currently pregnant and will be taking time off. Father of the child is... Vince McMahon... Like you never already knew?!

Unconditional proof that Bobby Lashley was on steroids as you can see.


Carlito was already well known by the time he debuted in WWE. Besides being the son of a long forgotten wrestler, he was also an actor. On The Simpsons, he played Sideshow Bob. After transitioning into wrestling, Carlito still plays the role of Sideshow Bob part time. He and his brother Sideshow Mel are former Tag Team Champions.

Mark Henry[edit]

Believed to be half Transformer and half Predator in disguise, this man has done nothing of importance in his whole career... Which is why WWE regard him as a great wrestler. He gets to feature in squash matches every Friday night on SmackDown!


Threatened Vince McMahon to give him a job or he would blow him up with a grenade. Vince denied him and so Rambo took his anger out on Jim Cornette instead. Jim has not been seen since... Unless you count his appearance as fake manager of worthless TNA (Totally Nackered Athletes).


This is Umanga's daily meal, his new championship belt

Youmanga (Often announced incorrectly as Umaga (which stands for tiny monkey penis), his real name is in fact Youmanga, as was brought to our attention by William Regal. His opinion on the matter can be taken as gospel due to the fact that he is English, and therefore can speak correctly as he has never pronounced aluminum as al-ooooooo-minum) Youmanga is fat and Samoan (and believed to be part pit bull. Rather than simply employ Samoa Joe Vince decided it was cheaper to promote some flop with a similar gimmick as this had worked quite well when he created Stephen F. Austin as a rip-off of William Schmoykel Goldberg. Youmanga His TV career started on the short-lived channel Playgirl XXL, as a part of the show UMANGHABONANZAFEST.

CM Punk[edit]

CM Punk about to see Orton's crown jewels, while Orton flaps, can he fly?

Cookie Monster "CM" Punk, currently runs the Church of Straightedge on the Smackdown! brand, where he and his holy seductress, Sarena (along with some guy who traveled from the nineties to steal all of our nation's cameo shorts), spend their Friday nights shaving the heads of babies.

Big Daddy V[edit]

Umanga's husband. He has a cup size of 800Q. He is currently pregnant with five daughters, three sons, and two of McMahon's bastard children. He is famous for shitting a life Squirrel and naming it Shawn.


He is the same as Umanga except he prefers to eat heads and steroids, while washing them down with the pus from all that backne. He is also falsely known for killing babies. It wasn't his fault. (Do not get his name confused with Snitsky, it is in fact Shitsky.) in fact Shitsky is often incorrectly called a fladdolle. so dont do that.

King Booker[edit]

King Booker, can you dig that, sucker?!

Some black guy from Houston, Texas that is supposedly a king. He whines a lot. He's been to prison for armed robbery of a Wendy's back in Compton, he was not only an employee of that Wendy's but also WORE HIS UNIFORM DURING THE ROBBERY. He moved to the better company nobody watches because Vince got Youmanga to eat their TV remotes, aka TNA. He moved after finding out about his next shit house gimmick, a black man who thinks he's an astronaut Eskimo. He is also the missing link between Homo sapiens and apes and thus shares a common IQ rating with George Bush and sea cucumbers. Vince really fired his ass for constantly trying to pay for everything in cigarettes, and Booker ended up on TNA facing some guy named Robert Roode that shattered his wife's jaw. Calls himself "Black Snow" when announcing at TNA and being part of their "Main Event Mafia". Left the WWE because he claimed he was the Black Jesus after winning the King of the Ring and the WWE Heavyweight title at the same time. He left TNA and returned to WWE after Stephanie McMahon gave him a blowjob to convince him to return as the Attorney General of SmackDown.

Tommy Dreamer[edit]

Started out in Extremely Crappy Wrestling as a jobber and accidentally won the ECW title from Rob Van Dam after RVD and Sabu smoked too much pot and were too stoned to wrestle properly. He was hired by the WWE to make the Undertaker look good and he drank out of toilets and chewing tobacco spit that the Undertaker made him drink. Just to show how much of a bitch he was to the Undertaker and other wrestlers. Then recently on the new ECW he cried about how much he wanted to be ECW champion again and no longer a jobber and that unless he wins the ECW title by June 2009, he will quit wrestling forever.

Scotty 2 Hotty[edit]

Some Gangsta Rapper from Maine. He is the single greatest wrestler of all time, end of. Is said to be the great Wrestler with the greatest Wrestling move ever The One-Eyed Worm (which is referring to his 24 inch penis). S2H is also over with the fans for his countdown timer which was displayed and calling himself the new millennium Scotty 5 Hotty > Scotty 4 Hotty > Scotty 3 Hotty > Scotty 2 Hotty BLOW IT UP

Mr. Kennedy... KENNEDY![edit]

The inner sanctum of the WWE are of the opinion that Mr Kennedy is the most important of all the important men who currently wrestle. Shares Batista's nasty habit of damaging his body in new and exciting ways every six months or so. This although new and exciting means that Kennedy actually can't wrestle for six months out of the year as he needs to heal. The sad result is he then is restricted to cutting promos whilst getting rolled up by Super Crazy.

Kennedy is currently slated to be the first WWE Champion who doesn't wrestle as he is continually injured. When news of this traveled to the locker room guys like Edge's ears twitched upwards with excitement (since he's way too weak to win a title without attacking a healthy wrestler).

Kennedy was recently quoted in the press as saying that he was embarrassed to be the only person in the company with any talent. Of coarse this was true but Vince denied it saying "You want real talent, then maybe I could hire back some of my cruiser weights." Unknown to Vince at this time, all his cruiser weights had either joined the X-Division or had self destructed from depression after Jobbing to Cena. This was Kennedy's first attempt to get the Hollywood ball rolling so he can piss off and make movies once his profile is sufficiently high.

Recent interviews with the man himself have uncovered a deep secret about Mr. Kennedy Kennedy! Turns out that his long absences from the ring are not from injuries, but actually from embarrassment! (In some extreme cases InBearAssMint!) In the latest WWE "superstar" "wrestler" interview, it was revealed that Kennedy KENNEDY has an "XTREME" speech impediment and OCD. His surname is really just Kennedy. He just can't stop stuttering.

"Kennedy KENNEDY" was one of the founding "fathers" of the WWE. The original name for the WWE was going to WE. Kennedy KENNEDY stood up to praise the name, but ended up completely changing the name. These were his exact words, "I M-mmm-m-r. Kennedy KENNEDY! love the n-nnn-n-nnn-n-name W-WE."

Santiko Massalla[edit]

Santiko is Italian although he used to be Russian and is from New Jersey which is nearer Canada than Italyland. Santiko is blessed with an inability to wrestle in any way shape or form, however he is employed so that the WWE can still tour Italy once every nine years (see William Regal). He recently admitted that despite being paired up with top heavy cretin Maria, he prefers getting pounded in the ring. Teamed with Carlita Colon because they both sound kinda funny they have set the lower under card alight with their comic mispronunciations. Santiko has borrowed the late Andy Kaufman's wrestling schitck in wrestling with women and talking about how inferior they are. Santiko even kept Andy Kaufman's feud with Jerry "The King" Lawyler going, and once stole The King's Subway sandwich after slapping him and running off with it up the exit ramp. Santiko seems to be doing a lot of Andy Kaufman's foreign man imitations, like Latka from Taxi, in which he butchers the English language and gets words pronounced incorrectly for comic relief.

Shane McMahon[edit]

Shane busts Orton

Shane o'Mac, the son of Vince McMahon became a kinda wrestler all over again in 2009. He beat up Randy Orton, Ted Dibase and Cody Rhodes all in one go. He did all this despite being a little chubby middle-aged businessman. He carried on the unexpected by hitting Orton the lean machine over the head with television monitors and ring bells and playing smack on Orton's body with Kendo sticks and chairs. But when it came to the punt, Orton RKO's Shane before he had a chance. Back to the office for Shane?

Chris Jericho[edit]

Chris Jericho invented Microsoft in 1972. He forgot how he did it in 2007 so he tried to write the code for Windows again. When all he could write was bits of binary and stuff about him returning to wrestling, he decided he might as well do that. Thus far, he has mainly looked a bit odd due to his short hair and his magician getup and people seem to have forgotten to cheer for him, as they would rather Eddie Guerrero had come back and punched his widow Vickie in the head for being shit and getting engaged to Edge. Chris Jericho has recently been voted "worst Canadian role model" because of the fact that he openly stated that he is the only Canadian on the planet who 'loves' HBK Shawn Michaels since his teenage years. This proves why he doesn't get a crowd reaction since his return to the WWE from all fans watching at home or at wrestling arena's. Before the death of Chris Benoit Jericho spent much of his free time being trained by the psycho family killer on how to properly beat the shit out of defenseless women and On February 7, 2009 after a match in Victoria, British Columbia some crazy slut jumped Jericho and dared to treat his as an equal, Jericho decided this was a perfect opportunity to use his training and smacked the crazy bitch in the mouth. Sadly the police got involved and prevented him from putting her in the cross face and finishing her off in the same way as his master did. However Jericho is confident that one day he will succeed in his mission to murder an innocent woman, look out Mrs Jericho.

Pal Penis[edit]

Mr. Penis joined the WWE when he realized that he had a muscular body and he got fed up of starring in porn movies (a guy in a porn movie alone). He sucked and has wrestled on Heat ever since.He sucks both ways!

Fatt Hardy[edit]

"Fatt" Fatthew Moore-on Farty, a former member of The Hardyz, presently resides on the TNA brand, losing on most weeks alongside a midget named Matt Bore-gan, whose gimmick revolves around a fetish for homely-looking women. In his career, Fatt has won the United States Championship, the ECW Championship, the Ultimate Jobber Championship, the Internet Gossip Saved My Career Championship and the Holy Shit, He Nearly Tore Off CM Punk's Leg with a Simple Single Leg Boston Crab! Championship. Fatt's most successful stint as a singles wrestler came with the introduction of his, "Fatt Farty: Version 0.00" gimmick, which saw him become bulimic in order for him to compete on America's Next Top Model.


Rob Van Dam (Or Roberto Vanne Damo for our Italian users) was some athletic guy that wrestled very well and loved to thumb himself very slowly in case the audience couldn't say his name correctly. He won the WWE and ECW titles, then he celebrated his win by scoring some weed, smoking it with his is friend Sabu (whome by the way, is not quite at bad as botching as 9.Morrison), and got pulled over by the police while driving without his shirt on. He continued to get depushed after that and recently he didn't resign with the company.

RVD'S love for Weed[edit]

RVD loves weed he smokes it with his good friends the WaterMan (also known as The SandMan in WWE) he also likes to smoke weed with the Arabian pothead Sabu (9.Morrison is botchier then him). One day when RVD was smoking weed with his good friend the botch machine Sabu, the pigs a.k.a the police found the Arabian pothead and RVD smoking pot. Vince McMahon found out and suplexed RVD and RVD was like !OMG! Since that moment RVD left WWE and now smokes regularly with the Arabian pothead in his two bedroom cardboard box with a tin can for a bathroom. His WWE career was ended when Randy Orton punted his face in, leading to another push. RVD agrees on making an appearances on Dr. Phil for his problems with his former wife Tommy Dreamer, who was also on his way to more botchfests.


MP3 is a wannabe gangsta who currently holds the WWwee George Dubya Bush Championship, people don't like him because he confuses the Hardy Boyz and their solving. He was the highest paid Athlete on Smackdown until he started to get a losing streak because Vince McMahon and Theodore Long agreed that he should become a Jobber instead of a Powerhouse. So he got pushed back to losing to Matthew Hardy and Hurricane Helms, and they stopped doing his pyrotechnic entrance with the inflatable tunnel. He is now the lowest paid Athlete on Smackdown because of a clause in his contract for not winning enough matches before Summerslam 2008, he is now working for minimum wage and earning 5 cents out of the 99 cents his fans pay to download his theme music from iTunes, which sells 3 copies every month. Now he whines about not having enough money to buy gifts for his friends and family for Christmas and has a second job as a French Fry Cook at McDonalds in order to pay the rent for his cardboard box apartment under a bridge somewhere.


Dave Batista, a self-confessed shit wrestler (Read his auto-biography "Batista Unleashed" for more) can lift every cruiser weight wrestler on the Smackdown brand all at once and also injures himself in exciting new ways. He showed this impressive skill during one of his many squash matches. He has gone from strength to strength since winning the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple HHH. He has since lost the title due to injury, then won the title, then lost the title, then won the title, then most recently lost it to Edge. He enjoys boring the fans with countless feuds with The Undertaker and Edge, and has a nack for showing his sexual relationship with Rey Mysterio as often as possible. There is an old folks tale that he was spawned in the Devil's Pit in the year 1149 B.C and that he wrestled Xena and Hercules for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 12 B.V. (Before Vince)

Gay Mysterio[edit]

He is gay and he has a relationship with Batista. He has a mask that say 69. Batista dumped him when Gay Mysterio ruined his chance as being champ. So Gay Myterio is now single.


Good Old James "Fat Daddy" Ross[edit]

Good Ole' Fat-Boy was artificially born into the world in 1952 from an accidental combination of mixing the excess fat that had been sucked out of Rossane Arnold's annual monthly liposuction, and having it disposed of down the toilet instead of throwing it away to be disposed of properly with the rest of the contaminated waste products. It instead was flushed down the sewers to merge with so much shit down in the Oklahoma's sewerage supply that it soon had mutated into a little fat man and emerged from the underground in 1991 claiming his name was Oswald Cobblepot and he wanted to either be the next mayor of Gotham City or be a wrestling commentator.

His job now is basically to sit at ringside, eat a lot of BBQ giraffe meat and scream "Stone Cold, Stone Cold" while having a orgasm. Usually, his fellow commentator was able to keep Jim down on his seat whenever Stone Cold Steve Austin came out to the ring, but recently JR has become more violent and no-body wants to upset JR, because he will orgasm all over the announce tables. Internet fans love JR because they have no life!. Jim has become more fatter and uses his Okla-Homo accent to bore people to sleep every week. JR has many fetishes he shares on WWE, like screaming "Slober Knocker" when ever he sees Ric Flair and HBK "Going At It". He also loves to be "Whipped Like A Government Mule" by his "Best Friends" Stone Cold Steve Austin & HBK in bed!

Douche and Dominos[edit]

Two old guys who still think it's the 1950's. They will occasionally take out their pistols and shoot at Japanese people. They currently live in the Hospital for the Mentally Retarded.

Jesse and Festus[edit]

Two hillbilly freaks from Arkansas. One is named Jesse and has no talent to speak of, other than promoting the retarded features of his tag-team partner, the other is Festus a giant corn fed colossus sociopath after the bell rings, before the bell rings he is highly retarded and his tongue sticks out of his mouth and he drools too much.

Jack Sthwagger[edit]

A former "Listhp Sthpeak World Champion," Jack Sthwagger sthpeaksth asth if histh tongue isth glued to histh teeth. He won the Listhp Sthpeak Championthip from a group of homosthexualsth. You know he'sth sthpeaking to you if he sthpits on you.

Wrestlers who never made it into the WWE[edit]

Big Daddy Ian[edit]

Big Daddy Ian was born in September 1785 and is still alive today (living inside a wooden box aka dog house). He recently signed a deal with WWE after failing to sign a deal with TNA (Tramps 'N' Aids). However, after finding out that he was engaging in sexual confrontations with Umanga and Big Daddy V- who is also his brother... The company let him go, only for him to sign with EMW (Eat Me Wrestling) a week later.

Dr. Dr. Dre[edit]

After Dr. Dre received his PhD, he was known as Dr. Dr. Dre. He tried getting into the WWE but was denied when he stuck his head up a guy's ass. So long, bitch!

The Sock[edit]

Sock was meant to have a feud with his real life next door neighbor The Rock however this never materialized due to being involved the Signature Pharmacy scandal. He was released two weeks after Chris Benoit did the finisher to his family and was told never to come back again.

President Kennedy Kennedy![edit]

President Kennedy Kennedy! was meant to be the air to the wrestling throne once Hulk Hogan retired however in 1963, The undertaker shot Kennedy at "Unforgiven" in Dallas that year. Vince McMahon later on said controversy creates cash!


Goldburp was once a huge talent at rival organization WCW (Witches can't Wank) however when WCW folded due to lack of wrestlers, he had no where to go. WWE signed him along with Book Lester and hoped to gain revenue with Goldburp's famous move golden burp however things did not pan out and one thing led to another and he got a testicle infection. The WWE suspected steroids and released Goldburp after a year, rumors circulate he could come back to the WWE and face Barack Obama at Healthcaremania 2010!

Wrestlers Who Used To Be Important But Aren't Anymore[edit]

Bret "The Hitchman" Hart[edit]

Bret Hart retired from being Hitch at an early age and passed the crown down to Will Smith. He was then trained in a dungeon by a crazy man named Stu who claimed to be his father. Bret decided to join the WWF but eventually left when he was involved in the Montreal Blowjob. Bret now lives in a gym, doing interviews for a living, and saying Shawn Michaels and Triple H (whom actually came up with the idea for the blowjob[citation needed]) can't move on when it concerns the Montreal Blowjob.

Brutus "The Hooker" Beefpie[edit]

Uh... you know what, fuck that guy.

"Dashing" Cody Rhodes[edit]

Fine, he wasn't important. If he was truly dashing, he would remove the quotation marks from his nickname. Every time we see his name on screen saying "Dashing" Cody Rhodes, we think, 'yeah, if I were him, I'd put quotation marks around "dashing" too.' It reminds us of sarasm. Get it? Like when we say to a midget "Hey, look! It's a 'giant'!" Get it? Am I funny? Huh... Fuck me, I hear no laughs...[citation needed]

Hulk Hogan[edit]

Hulk Hogan is cool. Useless people like you, and John Rambo hate him. However, in a recent turn of events, Hulk Hogan fell into a pool of quicksand, but refused to job to it. This ruined the episode of Hogan Knows Best, and he was incidentally fired from the WWE because Vince had been sent an email from a fan informing him that Hogan was cool. Hogan now spends his time sewing up all the Hulkamania shirts that he destroyed during his time in the WWF. Before being the first 500 year old man to be inducted into the WWE hall of fame, he had a cage match against the Incredible Hulk. Hogan makes great poop. He's recently seen a career revival, partially owing to receiving more oxygen from not being smothered by the large breasts of his ex wife Linda.

"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan[edit]

Jim Duggan was fired years ago, he just wont leave. He comes out yelling hooooooooo becauce that what his wife is.[citation needed] WTF he had a wife!!! Jim Duggan also cleans wrestlers bums. Duggan gave his wife his balls for their wedding anniversary because he knew he would never use it again. His wife only likes to suck dick, that is why he has no kids. Or maybe because his wife is a DUDE! Duggan also won the Miss Hairy Universe at 2007 at the age of 264. His winning costume was a beautiful leaf worn over his dick rolled up with no balls. He has said that he wont retire until he gets a boyfiend.

Liu Kang[edit]

Liu Kang has always been known as the "Champion of Mortal Kombat", but little do people know he had a run in the WWE for many years. It was Kang who freeded the WWE from the tyranny of it's original owner (another previously unknown fact) Shang Tsung. After Kang's victory, Vince McMahon, (the second owner and self proclaimed "God" of professional wrestling, took control of the WWE and fired Kang. After that he went to TNA for a while and then returned to the WWE to become it's last World Heavyweight Champion before the company was bought out by new owner Jeff Jarrett.

STONE COLD Steve Austin[edit]

That drunken guy from Texas with the many nicknames that kicked a lot of peoples asses, WHAT?, drove numerous vehicles down to the ring, WHAT?, drank a lot of beer, WHAT?, flipped off a lot of people, WHAT?, drank more beer, WHAT?, said "WHAT?" a lot, WHAT?, kicked some more ass, WHAT?, got his ass kicked every now and then, WHAT?, beat his wife up, WHAT?, drank even more beer, WHAT?, went on rants a lot, WHAT?, oh wait..., WHAT?, and gave out a lot of stunners WHAT?. He is being a moviemaker nowadays ... WHAT?! As JR would say, "Cold Stone Cold Stone Cold Stone. MAH GAWD MAH GAWD". Cold Stone also needs to beat up Vince McMahon or else he gets cranky and walks out on the WWE. He refused to job to Wrestling God "The Coach" one time. It might have been because The Coach is shit or it might have been because the Coach is almost black. He also stars in the film The Condomed. STONE COLD IS THE WRESTLER EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The Rock[edit]

He is the tail raising, razor blading , steroid taking, cake baking, wife beating, Anchobie eating, you know the name, you know the face want to be in the hall of fame The Rock!

Ric Flair[edit]

Recently celebrated his birthday. The cake was sent to NASA to have the candles counted, which they are still counting. Doesn't wrestle much anymore, as he spends most of his time at funerals for his dinosoar friends. But being the family man he is he still finds time to beat up on his wife. Ric Flair is also allowed to land on Helicopter landing pads, due to the fact that he is a chopper. The same reason why Val Venis gets so many part time jobs, oh wait, sorry thats jobber. WHO IS NOW OVER NINETY YEARS OLD.[citation needed] Made it to the hall of fame and then got sweet chin music from Shawn Michaels and lost his last match and he had to retire and cried a lot before he retired.

Ultimate Warrior[edit]

Too stupid to wrestle after a few million chair shots to his head. Had massive brain damage that made him more right-wing than George W. Bush. Claims Bush, etc. are too left-wing for him. Whines a lot on his blog about liberals.

Eric Bitchoff[edit]

He was the Emperor of Egypt from 2002 to 3050. He ruled WWE with an iron fist. It was revealed during this time that he is the illegitimate twin brother of the former host of That's Incredible and many game shows John Davidson.

The Ragu Brothers[edit]

These two brothers were well known for being hated by the fans due to their names being the same as a crappy spaghetti sauce. Jocko and Rayborn failed to have any success. Jacko would go on his own later playing a Canadian criminal, even spending a night in jail after losing to the Big Boss Man in 1991.

Ties with fast food companies[edit]

Back in late 1992, WWE began promoting fast food restaurants by signing their mascots to contracts.

Burger King Lawler[edit]

The first person to be signed was Burger King, a former hamburger eating champion from the Memphis Territory. Burger King only wrestles once every 8 years. For the most part, he's been doing commentary on the main shows with the likes of Vince McMahon, Jimmy the Barbecue Man, and currently with Michael Cole, Miz's boyfriend. He failed to win the WWE title in a ladder match after Cole "accidentally" replaced the ladder with a pile of chicken tenders.

Hamburglar Helms and Grimmace Rosey[edit]

In 2001, WWE snatched up Hamburglar's contract when they purchased the McDonald's sponsored WCW. This made WWE unique in that it had mascots from the two main rival fast food chains (Burger King Lawler and Hamburglar Helms) under contract simultaneously. Grimmace would join the Hamburglar in WWE in 2003, and they would parade as superheroes together. After a feud and later an alliance with The Rock, Hamburglar and Grimmace had a falling out over who would steal the last hamburger from Vince McMahon. Hamburglar would have a match with the Burger King, and later both Hamburglar and Grimmace would be fired after McDonald's served WWE management a bunch of uncooked burgers, causing WWE and the fast food giant to sever ties.

Wendy's Girl Slater[edit]

After Hamburglar and Grimmace were let go, WWE made a deal with Wendy's to have the girl on their signs compete for a contract on NXT. After NXT was finished, the Wendy's Girl joined Nexus with the rest of the rookies by attacking John Cena. During all attacks, Slater shoves hamburgers, fries, frosties, and nuggets down their throats to give Nexus an advantage in their attacks. Slater also uses this tactic to give him an advantage in his matches.

Swallowing other companies[edit]

Open wide......

One night, WWE reached critcal mass and began to absorb other companies and established a monopoly.

Current important(Hah!) women who wrestle(double hah!)[edit]


BMI = 9 (7 without the silicone) Unknown to many, Trashley has a background in the red light district of Oregon. She whines a lot and was recently booted off a "celebrity" survivor after running around in minimal clothes, complaining. Trashley had a title shot at the WWFET Supermodelwomens Championship at Botchamania 23, but failed to capitalize during the match.

Dish Stratus[edit]

BMI = 9 (7 without the silicone) The sexiest diva ever who happens to ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO WRESTLE... she's also the biggest bitch on television.


BMI = 11 See Queen Victoria for more information.

“I aint the old lady to mess with!!!”

She is the only woman not posing nude ever so often in the WWE. Victoria is also your mom

Mickie James[edit]

BMI = 11 The psychotic womens champion who acts lesbian when she feels like it.


BMI = 11 Really dumb idiot.

Smelly Kelly[edit]

BMI = 11 Um im pretty sure shes like 19 years old and she has somehow survived a few months in ECW... dont see this barbie lasting much longer tho.

Mae Notsoyoung[edit]

BMI = 280.5 Unfortunately the only female to regularly experience a wardrobe malfunction on WWE television. Mae is a GMILF, 182-year-old-something grandmother of Batista and Vince McMahon.

Your Mom[edit]

BMI = 1,000,000 She only fought in one game and was never heard from again.

The death of Vince McMahon[edit]

Last week, which won't be last week eventually due to the linear movement of time, Vince McMahon stepped inside his long car to be met with an explosion. His body has not yet been recovered, but it is believed that his grapefruit sized testicles acted as a fireproof vest and he the blast simply launched him into thin air. Scientists estimated that the blast will have sent him all the way to the island from Lost. Vince Mcmahon then returned to raw to find out that The Burger King was his long lost brother.

Lifespan for wrestlers[edit]

The lifespan of a wrestler usually is half of that of a normal human. When asked about this strange pattern, only one answer was given.

“Because wrestlers work twice as hard, it is only feasible that they die twice as young.”

“Huffing kittens had nothing to do with it.”

“Sweaty men in speedos grappling each other? My best creation since the toaster!”

“It was STEROID ABUSE!!!!! Just look at the list of people who died after I touched them! This proves it!”

~ Mark Mero

“WWE is the hottest thing since sliced bread!!”

“Putang ina! Randy Orton's cock is throbbing!.”

“I told him those speedos were too tight...”

~ Coroner on the most common cause of wrestling death

Legal Issues[edit]

Scene from a NTA show from 2008. Famous nazi Hilde in a match against the Resistance member Knut Hansen.

Mr. Ed McMahon began his wrestling career as the commissioner of baseball, which is why he decided to call his sport baseball. However, since he failed to get the express written consent of the commissioner of major league baseball, he was thusly sued and forced to change the name of his new sport to Webster's Dictionary. This too was challenged by some hip online aficionado and after several more failed attempts he was at a loss until his neighbor and friend Ryne Sandburg suggested calling it wrestling, after his late iguana's pet hamster.

Shortly thereafter the World Wrestling Federation was formed, and this led to a lawsuit from the World Wildlife Federation (WWF). Unaware animals are deadlier than humans, McMahon gave a challenge to fight for the name, which was accepted. This led the mangling and deaths of many wrestlers. Whom McMahon claims are no longer with the company because their contracts had expired. He quickly changed the name of the organization to World Wide Wrestling but was quickly sued by a very charismatic senator named Al Gore who had recently finished the creation of his interweb. Dejected and weary, he eventually renamed his new league World of Wrestling. Again, a lawsuit was filed by a group of Orcs who only referred to themselves as "The Horde" and eventually McMahon simply called his league WWE. We can only assume that at least one of the W's is short for wrestling.

Strike of 07[edit]

Throughout most of the year of 2007 wwe's writers were on strike. Because of the strike wwe had to just throw in some random storylines at the last minute of all of their shows. Vince blew himself up. Then a few months later came back and got sued for knocking some chick up (well actually that one was real. Yeah totally. His illegitimate child just happened to be a wwe superstar) and Theodore Long had a heart attack at Krystal and his wedding his and all kinds of other wacky stuff like that. Most of the good writers returned from their strike in December or something like that. Then while now we we've just discovered that EDGE is actually a triplet with twin brothers named Rider and Hawkings.


They dont use Steroids! The WWE tests their drug policy exam every 13 years and after each exam/test, every wrestler is given a hand-full of "Teletubbies Power Bar - Putting Muscles On Your Body" tablets and syringes, a packet of Jelly babies and a free glass of Jesus Juice as a reward!

  • Note: "Teletubbies Power Bar - Putting Muscles On Your Body" tablets are strictly recommended if You want a bigger body and a smaller Penis! Available at your local book store! Results may vary!

Important Matches That Got Boring[edit]

First Person To Find Out Who William Thoyts Is Match[edit]

A very famous match, with a basic format. The first person to find out who William Thoyts is would win. However, after 100 years of contesting, the participants got bored and went to sleep. They woke up and wondered who William Thoyts actually was...

See also[edit]