Jimmie Johnson

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“God hates Jimmie Johnson. ”

“Jimmie Johnson is my boy toy and I like to fuck him very hard.”

Jimmie Johnson (known by the U.S. government as 1031-3059-3060) was born on October 31, 1031 in Porchesia. He is a NASCAR driver and a child molester who sucks so much at racing he was once fired by 22 teams in one race just for driving too slow. He is the love child of Chewbacca and your mom. Jimmie also drove part time in Formula 1, but sucked at that even worse than NASCAR. His current address is 69 Swastika Street in Barney's Penis World, a gay nazi colony in Canada. after 2002 Daytona 500 he was fired by Hendrick Motorsports.

Racing career[edit]

Johnson substituting for his boyfriend, Jeff Gordon

Jimmie began racing in Formula 1 when he was only 98 years old. He finished last in every race. When he was 99, he moved over to NASCAR. He became instantly famous for killing 59 fans in a spectacular crash that got him suspended for 59 years, one for each fan he killed. While he was suspended, he converted from radical Islam to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism and became a housewife. On his return to NASCAR, he finished last in every race until he was again suspended from all forms of auto racing when everybody found out he was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter.

Jimmie drove the #420 Westboro Baptist Church car for Racist Racing before being traded to the #666 Playboy car for White Power Motorsports. He is currently making a comeback in NASCAR, driving the #00007694 PETA car for Radical Muslim Race Team. In his first start on the comeback trail, he finished 42nd out of 43, a career record. He also drove in F1 part time for Thetan Grand Prix to replace an injured Cole Trickle for 5 races while he was in the hospital, finishing last in all 5 events. He is currently looking for a F1 ride, and may start his own team, depending on whether or not he can finish higher than last again, which is highly unlikely. As of 2008, he has never finished better than 42nd in a NASCAR race.


Johnson wrecking

Jimmie has switched from homosexuality to heterosexuality and back to homosexuality. He has had many high- profile boyfriends over the years, such as Fred Phelps, C3PO, and Michael Jackson. He quit being gay so he could have a kid with Anna Nicole Smith and get all of her money, but after Mr. T killed Anna Nicole by making her listen to the numa numa song until she shot herself, Jimmie started being gay again. He also is a level 100 dungeon master in D&D and is in training to become a clinja. He was killed by Mr. T and had to stay dead for one full year as part of an initiation into the Freemasons.

He is also a member of the KKK. He enjoys playing football with the gay team Dallas Cowboys, fishing, molesting young boys, killing Heterosexuals, African Americans and Jews. Killing people he doesn't like is his favorite hobby, and he also likeslaunching RPGs at random houses. Jimmie is an avid Harry Potter fan and still lives with his mother. He also has an adopted daughter named Ella Sofia Gordon who will be far better than he is at NASCAR racing and a secret boyfriend named Jeff Gordon. Most recently he teamed up with former boyband member and gay butt buddy Nick Lachey to host a TV show about colon cleansing using a cock. Also, he won the 2008 Goatse Cup (The championship for teams that cheated) for the 3nd year in a row; tying Michael Waltrip for the honor. Runner up was Kyle "Cryle" Busch, as the real Sprint Cup Championship went to Juan Pablo Montoya.


Jimmie Johnson wears frilly white granny panties with lots of lace in them. Also, he wears bras and nice flowered dresses. Jimmie also shaves his legs frequently and paints his nails a nice pink color. When he was younger, he used to wear Little Mermaid panties and shout "I'm a big kid now" in public. Of course his future boyfriend Jeff Gordon always liked to shout "Turtle Power" in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles briefs. They met in kindergarten and got married on Jimmie Johnson's 16th birthday.

Jimmie Johnson's car on fire

Charitable contributions[edit]

Jimmie is a very cool person. He pledged 50 cents for each race he wins he has won 0 after that pledge.to NAMBLA over a 3 month period. He also is a heavy donater to the KKK, the Communist Party, the ACLU, and Fred Phelps's Westboro Baptist Church, despite being extremely girly and gay. Johnson also sponsors The Encyclopedia Dramatica Drive for Showing Goatse to Less Fortunate Children because he is a firm believer in the Goa Tse.


Jimmie Johnson in an Indy car.

Jimmie has been a center of controversy since he was born. He was the last person born in Porchesia before the Porchesian Holocaust. More recently, he used the N-word on live TV 30 times in one sentence. He was angry because a black NASCAR driver named Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson wrecked him on the last lap while Johnson was leading. The crash caused Johnson to finish last (like usual) while Jackson won. Johnson apologized, but not before being bludgeoned with iron rods by angry NAACP members. Jimmie was believed to have played the lead role in El Falo Grande es en El Asno Firmemente (The big penis is in the tight ass), the highest grossing Spanish-language gay porn movie in the history of the universe, but the Jimmie Johnson lookalike in the movie was actually his homosexual Black Panther cousin Terrell Owens.

Jimmie was also arrested while after killing 4 drivers on the last lap the 3001 Daytona 500 while drunk, killing rookie Heywood Jablome, 25 time champion Seymour Cox, Harry Dix, the first driver to be both gay and a scientologist that actually wins races(Tom Cruise was the first gay scientologist driver, but he never finished higher than 19th), and Mike Rotch, a middle aged pedophile who lived with his grandmother and usually finished right ahead of Jimmie in 42nd. The 4 dead drivers were also drunk, autopsy reports say. He was sent to jail for 30 years, but released after serving only 29 years and 364 days. This caused NASCAR to outlaw the 1000 year old tradition of driving drunk at restrictor plate tracks.

Most recently, he was penalized 100 points and 230,000 canadian dollars (US$100,000) after driving into Tony Stewart's pit during a race and killing his entire pitcrew with the built-in lawn mower underneath the car while high on LSD. He thought Stewart's all-white, male, gay (or bi) pit crew were straight, female supermodels with huge tits and asses. NASCAR officials also penalized him an additional point for listening to Backstreet Boys while racing. After the end of the 2007 season, his sponsor, Lowes, was revealed to have paid NASCAR to fix races for Johnson to win. Though he kept the wins and the championship (which he would have never won if it weren't for the fixed races and the illegal engines), he was publicly raped by Chris Crocker, causing a great deal of embarassment, although Some fair and balanced sources claimed that he liked it. The fair and balanced sources were right.


Johnson's F1 car before moving to NASCAR.
  • Jimmie Johnson not only drives NASCAR, but also races in Indy cars, where he finished his career best race, 2 spots ahead of last. He did this because two of the drivers were disqualified after getting into a fight over whose turn it was to fuck Danica Patrick after the race. Jimmie Johnson didn't have to worry about it, because he doesn't want to fuck Danica Patrick. Being a fat flaming faggot and all, he would probably wear her clothes instead if they were a size 82 instead of a size 2.
  • Führer Jimmie Johnson is a proud neo-Nazi leader of the Minnesota Reich. He completely hates Jews, African Americans, Mexicans, Asians, straight people, Christians, Muslims, Scientologists, Jehovah Witnesses, Jesus, Chuck Norris, you, and anybody else who isn't a homosexual white supremacist.
  • He still lives with his your mother's lesbian lover.
  • Jimmie Johnson was once involved in a nasty wreck with another driver, and was pulled out of his car dead. When he was loaded onto the hearse, he heard them say the other driver was Asian, he woke from the dead and said "Just get this filthy chink's germs off of me." He managed to brutally sodomize the other driver in the garage after the race.
  • Jimmie Johnson sent death threats to Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill blaming them for making his glorious nazis lose the war.
  • He was arrested for lewd conduct after getting caught having oral sex with Tinky Winky on a park bench.
  • His pornographic comic book collection is in the Guinness book of Records for biggest and most diverse.
  • He was the only driver to score a pole position during qualifying while masturbating in the car.
  • The last time Jimmie Johnson saw a pussy was when he came out of his mom's.
  • Jimmie Johnson gave you AIDS

Flag of Johnson's home country, Gay Sex World

Jimmie's Favorite Shit[edit]

  • Movie: Any gay porn film or "The Eternal Jew"
  • TV show: Teletubbies, Naruto, Barney, or Heroes (where he dresses up as a female cheerleader just for the show)
  • Song or Artist: What What in the Butt or the Barney theme song.
  • Actress: None, he likes men only
  • Gay porn actor: Any
  • Race: White
  • Race car driver: Anyone slower than him (which is nobody)
  • Sexual orientation: gay or lezbo
  • Dictator: Hitler
  • Threesome buddies: Chad Knaus (he's long time boyfriend), Rick Hendrick, Mike Helton, Jeff Gordon, Juan Pablo Montoya, and Adolf Hitler (occasionally)
  • KKK member: Any
  • Black guy: none (unless they are gay)
  • Mexican guy: none (unless they are gay)
  • Jewish guy: none (even if they are gay)
  • Asian guy: none (unless they are gay)
  • White guy: the underwear models for Abercrombie or Tony Romo Homo
  • Hobby: Having gay buttsex with Tom Brady and/or Pacman Jones
  • Nerdy sci-fi show: None, he only watches LOGO channel or Drew Pickles's gay pornos
  • Book: Mein Kampf, Neo-nazi literature


This is a video of all of the crashes Jimmie Johnson was in