Jimmy Carr

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“God would not allow such an abomination to walk upon his Earth. Ha! That means I win, suckers!”

~ Charles Darwin on Ben Carr

“I went up to the Airport Information Desk the other day and I asked the lady "How many airports are there in the world?"”

“Fool, yo' family tree's a straight line!”

~ Mr. T on Jimmy Carr
Jimmy Carr at a young age
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Jimmy Carr.

Jimmy Archangel Carr, brother of Alan Carr, is a notorious bedwetter and fat cunt. As a comic he uses a distinct style, though experts are divided over whether the style should be labelled anti-humour or simply non-humour. An un-atheist himself, His strong Christian beliefs inform his humour, which is largely about sex and laughing at disabled children. He recently travelled back in time so as to not have to host another terrible "Distraction USA" episode, and gave Adolf Hitler a makeover, styling Adolf's haircut after his own. Adolf was so enraged he proceeded to have 6,000,000 Jews executed.

Carr's agent Joe Pasquale said, "I only promote the cunt because otherwise I'd be the most irritating twat on television."


Background[edit]

Ben Carr was born in Bootle, Liverpool in 1904 and was the Lovechild of Jonathan Ross (Circa 1893) and Princess Margaret III. Ben was later frozen in the vats of the first ever Brylcreem (Then Cillit Bang) factory. He was awoken in 1999 when the factory was bought by Barry Scott. Jimmy Carr goes by the incredibly accurate nickname of "a complete fucking plastic cunt"

With a career beginning as a child star, Carr appeared as the Cabbage Patch Kid ‘Unwanted Erik’. After this doll proved deeply unpopular and disturbing to children attempts were made at re-branding his face as ‘Abused Aaron’, which only sold in moderate quantities when the surplus stock was later surreptitiously marketed as 'firelighters'.

A solid favourite of the rainbow vomiting alcohopop quaffers of UK Friday night lad culture, Carr has an incredible gift for seeming out of place with other celebrities with competing talents such as The Chuckle Brothers, Jim Davidson, Jonathan Ross and Frank Skinner. In his own words, Jimmy prides himself on the notion that his comedy is reflected best when performed in front of an audience of “thick slags and apes” or the occasional university computer student who enjoys seeing a fellow nerd having turned “smarmy superhero”. He is generally regarded as the oiliest man in Britain, in one of his more charming anecdotes, he claims to have remained a virgin for such a length of time because he would simply “slide off” the unconscious bodies of females "too drunk to know what they were taking home". He would often attempt penetration several times before realising that the lacklustre viscosity of the grease he secreted would even slide off the sandpaper he had taped to his hands and knees as grips. After several efforts he would pull up his farahs and slouch off quietly into the night longing for his next opportunity.

Taking only with him his knapsack and seeking fame (and the resulting hope of penetrative sex), Carr then went on to join The Comedy Circuit until he began presenting the 100 Greatest TV shows for Channel 4 (Which was later changed to Another Monotonous Genre List in his honour but later changed back again due to the wish to produce more Another Monotonous Genre Lists). It was around this time that Carr began to be pointed and marked out in the street, especially by blind children and dogs (both duly having a heightened sense of smell). Carr spotting has since become a phenomenon and only helps Jimmy in sending up those who insist there is no God, or who are blind and their guide Dogs.

Carr has released several DVDs which include Carry on Waiter and Smarm: The Carr story.

On the drug addled show 'Would I lie to you?' Jimmy Carr admitted that he lost his virginity age 26. This as the title of the show suggests is a lie, he still has rarely touched a boob at the age of 103[[.]]

Rumours of Carr's parentage[edit]

There were rumours circulating in the newspaper the Cirencester Nephew Molester that Carr's parents are actually a mongoose and an anthrax spore. Genetic scientists discovered this after taking a swab of DNA sample after nutting him during a show in Ormskirk.

Although his genetic heritage would explain why he's such a poisonous character, it would not explain the fact he has the lowest humour quotient ever recorded. Some vagrant tramps, who claim to have known him before he went to grammar school, say he was a well balanced, likeable and humourous individual. These accounts are thought to be about as credible as Kojak's chances of getting on a Brylcreem advert next week.

The Smarties Incident[edit]

Carr has become well known in recent months for replacing the legs of TV impressisonist Alister Mcgowen, with Smarties tubes. Although this had Carr detained for several days after Mcgowen considered it an act of violence, but soon come to realise that he actually walked better with the tubes for legs and Carr was promptly released.

Since then Carr penis and Mcgowen have constantly campaigned to get the NHS to verify Smarties tubes as a new form of prosthetic but have since failed to turn any heads.

Possible Hobbies[edit]

Shameless Carr enjoys violating other comedians with his fat fingers, such as this incident featuring an unlucky Martin Freeman.

It isn't widely regarded that Jimmy Carr, aside from the aforementioned Smarties Incident, has several other inexplicable pastimes, including:

  • Flattening a cat on his head in an attempt to pass for a fashionable hair cut.
  • Wearing a suit at every available opportunity in a vain attempt to achieve the cult status of Sigmund Freud.
  • Sewing cardigans for disadvantaged children in Colombia. Although this sounds altruistic, he soaks the wool in LSD so the children gangsta trip when they wear them, just to satisfy his need to be a cunt.
  • Listening to Blondie whilst wearing pink spandex. Note: this is thought by many to be complete rubbish. The spandex would be green, obviously.
  • Standing around comedy festivals, failing to be recognised except by myopic Jack Dee fans. Note: Jimmy often compensates for this by returning later in a tank.
  • Jabbing Botox needles into his head, every five minutes, for two hours a day.
  • His "two-up surprise" (see image, right).

Trivia[edit]

  • Bob Monkhouse managed to fly to Neptune and back AND cook a bacon sandwich during one of Carr's 'ironic' pauses.
  • He is related to celebrity terrorist Osama Bin Laden.
  • Despite the fact he is referred to as a 'he' throughout this article he is, in fact, asexual.
  • Carr once ate a gopher, after Vic Reeves dared him to backstage during a taping of 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
  • While he is not related to Alan Carr, he is, in fact, Batman's half-sister.
  • One of Carr's most controversial acts was when, in the British comedy film Confetti, he was actually funny. Luckily for him, no-one went to see the film and his reputation as an unfunny comedian was not tarnished.
  • Carr and Adam Buxton are not allowed to meet, lest they annihilate each other. It is not an issue of antimatter, as is commonly believed, but an age-old dispute regarding some pens.
  • Visits annual 'thumb head' festivals in Colchester whereby the competitors pose as the fatter finger-outcast and try to look 'the most thumbest'. Carr has apparently won in 2004 and 2006 but because he lost as he was on a holiday in Lourdes to laugh at the invalids in 2005, he has now begun a personal vendetta against Simon Cowell the winner in 2002, 2003, 2005 and 2007. Cowell allegedly said 'I'm bricking it' when he heard.

Legal issues[edit]

  • He claims to have had his intellectual property (i.e. his jokes) pirated. He thoroughly dislikes the revealing class discrepancy caused by Jim Davidson eagerly ripping off his material. Although, he's probably a very nice person... in an ironic kind of way.
  • He was once spotted entering fellow funny comedian Russell Brand's house, when questioned on the incident Carr replied: "In no way did compromisation of either party's anus take place!" His nose grew half an inch seconds later.
  • Jimmy Carr is in fact one of the rubber faced T-600 Terminators Kyle Reese spoke about in The Terminator.
  • Was sent to court over a driving offence. Got off by hiring some big shot celebrity lawyer who deals with these sort of things for nobhead famous people who have a fit when they've been caught speeding and believe paying fines are for plebians.

Common Criticisms of Jimmy Carr[edit]

  • He is not funny.
  • He is a smug bugger.
  • His head looks like a buttock that somebody has drawn a clown-face on.
  • He is not funny.
  • He isn't as funny as Frankie Boyle.
  • He likes to fondle dead animals.
  • He looks evil.
  • He hates jews. But loves Jesus...
  • He is evil.
  • He is not funny.
  • He supports international terrorism.
  • He eats babies.
  • He is not funny.
  • He is one sexy fucker. Seriously.
  • His parts in films are much too long.
  • He is not funny.
  • He cannot eat cheese without laughing hysterically.
  • He tickles newspapers with chestnuts. Sometimes also with a cup of tea.
  • He is funny.
  • He is not funny.
  • He looks like a pumpkin...but he IS funny XD