Joe Arpaio

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“Well if there weren't so many Mexicans here, I wouldn't need to arrest so many of them!”

~ Joe Arpaio on a brilliant moment of causality.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joe Arpaio.

Joseph "Happy Jumpin' 'Joltin' Joe'" Arpaio is the self-proclaimed, self-appointed "toughest" sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona. Arizona is well-known for being a hellhole into which only dreary Midwesterners and droves of Mexicans go, and Joe Arpaio represents the cultural struggle therein. He usually does this by rounding up and executing large groups of people with brown skin and funny accents in order to please his non-brown-skinned, non-funny-accented (except for that funny redneck accent) supporters and constituents.


Joe Arpaio was born to immigrant parents who fled to America after the Great Sicilian Broccoli Fart Scare of 'aught seven. Repeatedly beat up by the older Puerto Rican kids on his block, it doesn't take a fucking psychology major to see how this shaped his views on Hispandex people. At the age of 18, he became a magician, making huge pails of vomit disappear with no more than a toothpick, a used hankie and a very hungry goat. After wandering the land in search of purpose, he settled in Arizona which, by then, was just starting to become quite the locale for people to go and die (Like Florida, only no beaches, no mild climate and absolutely no water.) After unsuccessfully selling tents door-to-door, he decided on a brilliant scheme to dispose of the excess inventory. This is when he ran for Sheriff for the first time.

Time as Sharif of Arizona[edit]

It's important to understand the context of things in Arizona. Most people in Arizona, due to the heat, suffer lack of bloodflow to the brain. This causes them to believe strange things, like that swallowing razors is a good source of iron and that living 250 miles from work and sitting in traffic for six hours one way to save $10,000 on a mortgage is a good idea. They also suffer from a delusion that Arizona never entered the 20th Century (which, in many ways, it hasn't) and so things are still like the Wild West days. People still ride horses and carry guns into saloons, schools and DMVs to shoot varmints. Hygiene standards is similar; showering is a rare luxury due to lack of dihydrogen monoxide. Herr Arpaio knew this and played right into these sentiments and got elected. He also decided to blame all problems on the wetbacks, which sat just fine with all the racists that reside in Arizona.

After setting up an iron forge, he got to work pouring catsup all over small animals. Immediately after taking office, he decided to close down all the regular jails and set up his unused tents to form a new, energy-efficient, green and environmentally-friendly death happy camp. Inmates were transferred to this new camp to resume their tar-and-feather duties for the State at 8 cents an hour.

Joe Arpaio has brought back many revered law-enforcement traditions as black-and-white stripes, barely edible food and chain gangs. Also in keeping with long-standing tradition, Sheriff Joe has a daily firing squad execution, in order that the population of the jail can be kept low to reduce its carbon footprint. Let no one say the Serif's office doesn't care about Mother Earth.

Arpaio loves to appear on the news media as much as possible in order to talk about how horrible the media is. He ensures that he has just enough time in front of the camera to really drive the point home that his naysayers are distracting him from doing his job. He likes to use his police powers to investigate his political opponents but he doesn't like it when others do the same to him. That condition comes from a skiing accident he suffered, from which he never recovered his ability to call out his own bullshit. This condition is fairly common in politicians, so I guess it matters little.

Arpaio has been re-elected eighteen times, mainly through his harmless tactic of stationing his deputies with freaky riot gear and M-16s at polling places. Y'know, to keep the peace. It's not technically a "police state", since he's just a county officer.

Arpaio-Mexican Relations[edit]

Arpaio is strangely fixated on defeating the illegal immigrant scourge washing up on the shores of Arizona, if only Arizona had any shores or water to wash up. The success of this devotion is evident in that Phoenix is the highest in the nation for kidnappings, identity theft and human trafficking as well as the even more egregious and harmful crime of music piracy. His critics may point out he is taking resources away from violent crime prevention to go after the illegal immigration problem, to which Arpaio typically responds, "Fuck you and the Nissan Quest you rode in on." He is a man known for tact.

Arpaio-Internet Relations[edit]

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