Joe Pesci

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This article contains information on a violent and brutal psychopath.

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ILL-ADVISED


Joseph "The Ant" Pesci works-over a tooth pick.
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Perhaps, in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is I do. For instance, tomorrow I'll get up nice and early, take a walk down to the studio, and walk in and see you. And if you don't have the part for me, I’ll crack your fuckin’ head wide open in front of everybody on the set! And just about the time I'm coming out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your fuckin' head open again!

~ Joe Pesci to director Martin Scorsese about auditioning for the part of Nicky Santoro

Joseph "The Ant" Pesci is an Award-winning "fuck!" sayer, hit-man, intimidator, bully, actor, hot-head, gangster, psycho, comedian, singer and clown. Pesci once played 'Nicky Santoro' in some movie, but in real-life he is actually born Anthony "Tony the Ant" Spilotski, an intimidating Polish-Italian enforcer. In typical Polish fashion Pesci doesn't enforce the law, he enforces the crime.
"You gotta problem with that, motherfucker?"

Early life[edit]

Joseph "The Ant" Pesci‘s pet.

Pesci (pronounced Peski), an Italian-Polish-American, was born Anthony "Tony the Ant" Spilotski in Newark, New Jersey, the son of either a barber, a forklift driver, or a bartender (the only possible ones according to his Mother). By the time "The Ant" was 5-years-old, he was attracted to murder and savagery. On the run for killing his 1st Grade teacher by stabbing her in the neck with a pencil, he changed his name to Joe Pesci using the ID of another of his murder victims. By the age of 7 he adopted a baseball bat as his pet intimidator. Most young kids sleep with a teddy-bear, but Pesci sleeps with his baseball bat. Pesci believes:
“Talk dirty and carry a BIG fuckin' stick”

Hit Man to Actor[edit]

“You're only God because I made that possible! I'm what counts around here!! Not your fuckin' churches or your fuckin' TV shows!”

~ young Joe Pesci in the Confessions Booth at Church

He started out working as a hitman in the 1960s. Once he had a contract to kill Robert De Niro, but De Niro found his impersonation so entertaining that he made Pesci an offer he couldn't refuse and cast him as an actor. Pesci himself was intimidated when he knew that De Niro was the "young Godfather". Subsequently, he performed with De Niro in the films, Raging Bullshit, Once Upon A Crime In America, Badfellas and Nicky Does Vegas. They also do a recurring sketch on Saturday Night Live, called, "The ANT Show". All his performances were heavily panned by the Movie Industry and critics alike. He was nominated for several Raspberry Awards.

Other Films[edit]

In spite of (or because of) Pesci being a murderous psycho he also appeared in other movies. In fact, Pesci could star in any movie he wants because nobody says “NO” to Joe “the Ant” Pesci. He even starred in Home Alone (1990), playing the little boy scared by two bumbling burglars who attempt to kidnap Macaulay Culkin (Pesci’s character). He also had roles in JFK (as Lee Harvey Oswald) and My Cousin Vinny (as ME) released in 1991 and 1992 respectively. He subsequently appeared in three Lethal Weapon films.

Retirement[edit]

Joseph "The Ant" Pesci points one of these at you, the best advice is to die immediately.

“Funny HOW?”

~ Joe Pesci intimidating his friend who laughed at his joke

In 1998, Pesci released a real Gangsta-rap album called "Wise Ass" that was a joke nobody dared to laugh at. In fact the album was just recordings of him threatening different people in real life, set to a drum beat. Pesci would terrorize those who offered him a part as well as those who did not. He became such a headache in Hollywood that the screen writers guild offered him Vegas if he would just leave.

In 1999, Pesci lied about his retirement from acting to pursue random murders, gangsta-rap music and to enjoy life. After running out of money and bullets, and too old to do ‘Hits’ he returned to acting when he starred in De Niro's 2006 film The Good Bad Guy. He later starred in the 2009 film Blood Ranch, as Dame Helen Mirren's "hot-headed" side-arm. Joe Pesci also began recording his follow-up album in early July of 2009. His project, known as "DePesci Mode," is scheduled for release during the holidays of 2010. When asked about the project, Pesci told the media,
"If you had any fuckin' heart at all you'd buy my fuckin' CD for a livin'!"

Victims[edit]

“I'll dig the fuckin’ hole! I don't give a fuck! What, the first hole I dug?”

~ Joe Pesci after killing the bartender

Joe Pesci has either murdered or assaulted (if they're lucky) many people. Here are some famous examples:

  • Salvy Batts - Batts was brutally beaten by Pesci for sleeping with his brother's wife.
  • Billy Batts - Brother of Salvy. In revenge for his brother, he insulted Pesci for being a 'shoe shine boy'. Pesci got angry and pistol-whipped Batts with help from his good friend Robert DeNiro. They hid Batts unconscious body in the trunk of Ray Liotta's car. Later Batts woke up so Pesci stabbed him in the guts with a big kitchen knife.
  • Michael 'Spider' Gianco - First of all, Pesci shot Spider in the foot for failing to bring him his drink. Several days later, Pesci goaded Spider about his gammy foot. Spider cracked and told Pesci to "go fuck himself". Pesci's friends started to tease him so he lost his temper and shot Spider dead.
  • Stacks - Shot dead by Pesci for getting stoned and failing to get rid of the truck which had evidence that could have put Pesci and his friends away.
  • Morrie - Annoying jerk. He annoyed Pesci so much that he stabbed him through the head with an ice pick.
  • Random guy at bar - This unfortunate man chose to insult Robert DeNiro over an ink pen so Pesci stabbed him repeatedly in the neck with that pen until blood was gushing. Was crying like a little girl by the time Pesci was finished.
  • Cowboy - Insulted Robert DeNiro by putting his feet on a casino table so Pesci hit him in the face with a telephone. He was a very sorry man so Pesci let him off with a warning.
  • Tony Dogs - Rival gangster who shot up Pesci's boss Remo's bar. Pesci and his sidekicks beat Dogs to a pulp then put his head in a vise. Dogs still wouldn't talk so Pesci tightened the vise till his eye popped out. After that Pesci's sidekick Frank Marino slit Tony Dogs' throat since Pesci was too tired to do it himself.
  • Anna Scott - This poor old woman was shot through the head by Pesci for exposing organized crime in the casino.
  • Billy Sherbert - Pesci hit him in the face with a telephone for staring at him and for being a

"bald-headed jew prick"

How to survive Joe Pesci[edit]

Based on past cases it has been seen that there are a number of ways to survive being on the same planet as Joe Pesci. Some of these methods include, for example, do not tell Joe Pesci, "Why don't you go fuck yourself!". Other methods include, never ask Joe Pesci to bring his shine box. Also, always bring Joe Pesci the correct drink, or if you work in a Vegas casino and Joe Pesci says, "hit me!" - DON'T! Or if Joe Pesci happens to be fucking your wife - never mind! If you disagree with Joe Pesci, always agree anyway. Never discuss an ink pen with Robert De Niro in Joe Pesci's presence. A good way to survive Joe Pesci is tell him you're his father, but he still might kill you for fucking his mother. Another good way to survive Joe Pesci is to exit the theatre, turn off the TV, or leave this page. And foremost, don't you ever go behind his back or over his head.
"You're fuckin' warned, you motherfucker, you!"

Joe Pesci shoots the bartender - again.

Joe Pesci Trivia[edit]

Although his exploits are legendary, a few really stand out. For example, when Pesci was born rather than cry he murdered the doctor who spanked him. Then, as a baby Joe Pesci would take candy from adults. Again, as a child when Joe Pesci played cops and robbers he REALLY robbed and killed people. Soon a "kick-ass" likeness of Joe Pesci will grace the new 200,000 Amero bills which will replace the US dollar. Fact Check confirmed that as of 2009 Joe Pesci has said "fuck" 46,510,040 times. Oh, and presenting a bar-bill to Joe Pesci is considered a form of suicide. Also remember, if Joe Pesci is in shooting range, stabbing range, or choking range,
"so are you, motherfucker!"

Pescism The Religion[edit]

Joe Pescism is difficult to explain. Based solely on the tenants, "Do unto others!" and "It pays to be Pescimistic." "In the beginning was the word, and the word was 'fuck!'" - is a core example of this philosophy. It is not based on any scripture or book. The sacred symbol is a baseball bat. Mercy and goodness play no part. The goal is money. Joe Pesci makes everything possible. He's what counts around here. Not your fuckin' Country Clubs or your fuckin' TV shows! There is no God or Devil, there is only Joe Fuckin' Pesci. You got a problem with that, motherfucker?
"You better get your own fuckin' Army, pal!"

In fact, you're better off not answering the phone altogether

The Joe Pesci Rules[edit]

  • If you fight Joe Pesci with fists he'll come back with a bat, if you fight him with a knife he'll return with a gun, and if you fight him with a gun you better kill him, because he'll keep coming back until the script says otherwise.
  • If you pay Joe Pesci enough "protection money", then he will not hurt you!

See Also[edit]