Joel Schumacher

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Joel Scumacher in true form

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has nothing on Joel Schumacher. Upon hearing Lord Voldemort's name, most people scream and run away. At the mere mention of Joel Schumacher, many people are paralyzed, faint or, in 5% of cases, die. Being pure evil, he is one of Satan's greatest commanders, behind only Michael Winner and Old McDonald. He is well respected in the evil community as being the man who ruined the career of the caped crusader, AKA Batman, thus resulting in a dramatic increase in crime. he was born in 941 A.D then later froze him self at 69

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joel Schumacher.

Early Life[edit]

Nobody knows how or when Joel Schumacher was born, or indeed, if he was born. Some say that he was spawned by Satan, and others that he is the love-child of Captain Kirk and Rasputin. The most common and widely accepted theory nowadays is that he simply came into being as a result of the dark thoughts of all men, and that the only way to kill him is by repenting- or by setting a grue on him.

At first, Schumacher was in an orphanage, but at the age of two was kicked out onto the streets after he strangled another boy with his beard- it was much longer back then. Following this, he went into exile and lived in the sewers. While living there, he plotted to take over the world- as a great many villains do. It was during this time that he met his life-long friend The Penguin, who introduced him to the Prince of Darkness, whose employ he immediately entered into. He was seven years old at the time. He began as a simple errand boy and sex slave, but soon rose up through the ranks to become the ultimate fighting champion in the Devil's fighting pit, where he defeated Vin Diesel in a climactic battle.

His life after this point up to the present is unknown, although a 17th century wood cut has recently been found in a Transylvania tomb depicting Schumacher decapitating various women and children and feasting on their organs. The authenticity of these woodcuts is disputed by scientists, their argument being that " seems unlikely Joel would ever be that friendly...".

The Batman Episode[edit]

Schumacher's adaptations of Batman were considered 'atrocious crimes against humanity'

Following the death of his friend the Penguin at the hands of Batman, Joel Schumacher was determined to get his revenge. He promptly took on the job of director for the next film in the series, entitled "Batman Forever", though it is said that Schumacher wanted the name changed to "Batman is Gay". He managed to ruin the reputation of a brilliant superhero with this film, and quickly followed it up with "Batman and Robin", which effectively destroyed any self respect that Bruce Wayne had left. Because of this great feat, Joel Schumacher was given a discount on Satan's honours list, and was able to buy his knighthood for only four shillings. But, with "Batman Triumphant," Joel made Batman look even gayer than ever to destroy the humanity of Warner Bros.! Glad he didn't make "Batman Exodus" or "Batman Genesis" for the Sega Genesis in the Book of Genesis.

“And to you, my darling Joel, I leave my collection of novelty umbrellas. Hold them close to your heart, and get that bat bastard if you can.”

~ The Penguin on his will


The death of Joel Schumacher hasn't happened yet- but it will in 2012. Attempting to continue on his film career despite the fact that he's crap at it, he will be set to direct Alien vs Grue, a blockbuster film that will be created in the future. Luckily, he will be huffed by a grue on the first day of filming, and will die immediately. Apparently, his last words will be "Curse you all! And to all a good night!" A six week holiday will be announced in celebration. Satan will also declare that he will not be allowed to enter hell, as he is simply too evil. Yet more cheering and dancing in the streets will ensue.


Shumacher states that his favorite movie he ever directed was Batman and Robin. He also said that the suits fitted batman and robin Pervectly (Perfectly)

Later life[edit]

at the age of 69 he froze himself for 987 years and then he was found to direct Batman Forever and Batman And Robin, and really he is 1056 years old, Wow. He told his mom when he grew up he wanted to make a suit with Nipples on it.