John Ashcroft

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John Ashcroft, after recovering from a stroke

John "That Stick Is Inserted Too Far" Ashcroft is a brilliant philosopher-king who declared war on Christianity for "being too communist". Born in the Deep South, legend has it that Ashcroft is the illegimate love child of Fred Phelps and Jesse Helms. As a young Republitard, Ashcroft became an ardent disciple of Jerry Falwell, the Virginia state idiot. Ashcroft has distinguished himself as a leader in the Republican Party's war on Christianity and human decency. He is said to be especially fond of tender young boys and Brain Peppers.


In the early 1970's, Ashcroft had a short-lived porno career under the alias Tandy McRushskates. He co-starred in perhaps the most notorious gay biker porn film of all time, "Back Door Bandits," with fellow Republitard Pat Robertson, who worked under the alias Tipper Gore.

Political Career[edit]

Ashcroft was appointed Gauleiter of Mississippi by George W. Bush to aid him in his War On Christianity. Being a crackpot minister, Ashcroft is a masterful torturer who particularly likes Cuban torture devices made in Guantanamo Bay. His firm dislike of democracy has led to a revival of neoconservatism better known in Europe as fascism.

While in office, Ashcroft randomly executed 666 Jews and blacks (1473 when combined), because he thought that number was lucky. He is also lobbying to change the laws of mathematics, because he doesn't like the fact that 666 plus 666 does not equal 666.

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Ashcroft now serves as a waiter at a truck stop in Denver, Colorado. He's also recording a Greatest Hits album, due out in the Fall.

John Ashcroft better know as Johnnie the asscraft in the tranny underground that was founded by his mentor and proc-toector Edgar J.(for Janice his tranny name)Hoover a very promiscuous tranny who formed the clandestine government transvesti network which later became the FBI (Fag Bunch In-government).

John will forever be remembered for losing his senate seat to a DEAD GUY! After breifly contemplating a run for the Presidency (that would have been a disaster) he choose to defend his senate seat against Mel Gibson. In the middle of the campaign Mel's anti-semetic slur was caught on tape, and seen by millions worldwide in The Passion of the Christ when he played Jesus. Seeing Mel's poll ratings go up when he eventually apologised John decided to go one better and get circumsized. This however turned out to be a P.R. disaster and John went 12% behind.

Following Mel's suiside after he was convinced to shave off his hair for child cancer John, convinced he would win went on a massive 2 week bender. Even this could not help his campaign chances as the dead Mel coasted to a 15% victory. John appealed on the grounds that Mel had conviced God to wrigg the election. 6 years later the case is still in the courts, even though his term ended 2 years ago.

Much like Hoover Johnnie spent the best of his early years in the closet playing with double headed dildos and the Hoover device which helped him perfect his ball sucking technique. Asscraft made the attempt to rename the FBI into GBP (Gay Bendover Patrol) but could not rally the faggots from the Republican party such as Pat Buchanan to come out from the closet clean.

After much ball sucking and bending over Johnnie became the Attorney General for the US where he could reign supreme as the top Queer, among other things asscraft likes X-dressing as a Nazi with latex panties and get spanked by Georgina B.

Alleged Involvement with Militant Religious Groups[edit]

John Ashcroft has been accused in the past multiple times (with varying degrees of evidence). Of being in league with the following groups.

Also, in correlation with Waco he is rumored to have caused the 'disappearance' of 3 large caches of Sitok Rifles from the Rubble of Holy Waco after the ATF bastards firebombed it or some shit... These 3 caches have been rumored to now be in possession by the Jesant Army and to have been used by some of their covert, highly trained troops in various anti-Catholic raids around the world.

Quotes[edit]

John Ashcroft speech celebrating "Christian Art Week"

"Y'all know, the other day I read up on this religion called Christianity or something, I think it ought to be nuked and invaded, in that order, because y'all know, it's way too communist." --John Ashcroft at the Thomas Road Baptist Church, 1999

"The other day someone mentioned to me a fellow named Jesus and his theories. I don't know who Jesus is, but he is a pinko and ought to be deported, whichever state he's living in right now." --John Ashcroft at the Thomas Road Baptist Church, 1998

"You may have heard rumors that I became a minister for the boys. Damn right I did. Here I come, you little boys." --John Ashcroft upon being ordained, 1974

"I can fit the whole watermelon in my mouth!" --John Ashcroft after getting really drunk. Which is almost always.