John Boehner

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This portrait of Boehner was painted by outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi. At least, the mustache was.

John Boehner is the Speaker of the U.S. House of Reprehensibles, a Congressman elected from western Ohio. In the role of Speaker, he has the power to name Members to committees, and evidently to "take away our health care" and send certain of us to the "showers."

Boehner's last name is German. Your UnNews Audio anchor-people pronounce it "boner." However, propaganda on his official U.S. House web site "recommends" the pronunciation "BAY-ner." The correct form of addressing him is, "Sieg Heil!"

Boehner brings diversity to the Republican delegation because, due to his affection for tanning salons, his skin color is most often described as orange.

Boehner during the Obama years[edit]

The Republicans in Congress were outnumbered in 2009-10 and Americans seemed to like deep-tan people who called themselves black more than they liked orange people. So Boehner necessarily took a minority role, saying "Yes sir, Mr. President" so often that his party became known as the Party of "No."

Back in 2008, John McCain had understood the need to be civil and not call attention to negative aspects of opponent Barack Obama, such as his full name, his country of birth, and anything he was proposing to do as President. (He merely smiled and referred to children as "smart-asses.")

Boehner making a bold, pre-emptive surrender on CBS.

Boehner saw the success of McCain's approach and shielded Obama from criticism, both after Joe Wilson blurted out "You lie!" in a State of the Union speech and after Joe Barton accused Obama of shaking down BP over the oil spill. Both these ordinary Joes are now in Boehner's broom closet with duct tape over their mouths, as Joe the Plumber is too. This results in a 2-vote handicap for the Republicans, which means that any legislative accomplishments will be all the more impressive.

In September 2010, when Obama opposed extending the Bush income-tax cuts, Boehner came on CBS and told Bob Schieffer that he might concede that part. It's not clear when the anchorman became President, but Boehner's masterstroke simplified negotiations with that other President.

The popularity of tax-cuts for the rich inspired this plush toy

Political agenda[edit]

Boehner expected that the Republicans would pick up seats in 2010, because the opposition always does, and Boehner's Republicans had been uncommonly polite to Obama. Then a movement called the Tea Party gained strength. Before Boehner knew what happened, his party gained 63 seats--all of them perfect strangers with a mandate to shake things up and see some results. Unfortunately, the businessmen who paid good money for the laws just passed are entitled to see some results too, and Boehner is smack-dab in the middle. He has promised the Tea Party an up-or-down vote on rolling back some of the laws of the last two years--but says he might be out golfing when it happens.

Given the current state of the Democratic Party, Boehner's non-ideological theme for the 112th Congress is: "We're under seventy."

When Obama addresses the Congress in future State of the Union addresses, he will know there is a boner standing right behind him. However, if it were not for the Tea Party, the Speaker of the House would be Barney Frank, a man you do not want directly behind you on any "issue."

Personal life[edit]

"I rise to move the *sniff!* Previous Question and for the Motion to Reconsider to be *sob!* laid upon the table."
Along with crying, laughter is a hobby of the Speaker's--like that time he claimed he was cutting $39 billion from the federal government's current-year spending. What a card!

Boehner is in touch with his sappy side, bursting into tears at touching moments in the nation's history, notably the moment when he realized that spending his "whole life chasing the American Dream" had paid off and he was going to take over the national legislature and have personal control over dishing out trillions of dollars of loot. Crying in public is a gambit that has immediately supercharged the careers of American male politicians, from Edmund Muskie in New Hampshire (though we all know those tears were actually snowflakes, right?), to Bob Dole, to the quivering lip of Bill Clinton. At least Clinton was faking it.

When not bathing in bronzing solution or kicking puppies, Boehner "has a taste for" white wine, white bread, vanilla ice cream, and mayonnaise.

CBS's Schieffer noted that Boehner still smokes cigarettes despite the notorious health effects. Boehner deftly responded, "They're still legal." (That other President smokes too, and that is not a scandal.) Prostitution is legal too, in some rural counties of Nevada, and UnNews is preparing a blockbuster scandal after just a bit of additional fact-checking.

See also[edit]