John Coltrane

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“ARGH!!!! What is this crazy CHINESE music?”

~ I on John Coltrane

“John Coltrane fuckin' rules!!!!!!!!!!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on John Coltrane


~ Me, and not I, on Oscar Wilde on John Coltrane

“The Coltrane's a smoooooth ride”

~ Augustus Cole on John Coltrane

John William Coltrane (September 23, 1926July 17, 1967) was an American jazz kazooist, keytar player and composer. He is also considered to be one of the founding fathers of the heavy metal movement. Coltrane is often criticized for his exceedingly slow, lethargic, linear, and unimaginative style of play. He played so slow in fact, that on his recording of Giant Steps, the pianist could not keep up with his slow playing, thereby falling into the cracks of space/time during which he met Alfred Schwarzkopf and developed an alter ego who has come to be known simply as Bildad the Enforcer.

Though he was active before 1955, his prime years were between 1955 and 1967. During this time he reshaped modern metal and influenced generations of other musicians; however, he spent most of his time overdosed on large amounts of heroin. Coltrane's recording rate was astonishingly prolific: He released 16,443 recordings as a band leader in these twelve years and appeared on dozens more led by other musicians.

He died from excessive musical masturbation during a circle jerk with Miles Davis and Charlie Parker.

Coltrane is regarded as one of the most important and influential heavy metal musicians, and one of the greatest musicians of the twentieth century, consistently displaying Herculean musical talent which almost rivals that of Kenny G. Along with tenor kazooists Coleman Hawkins, Lester Young,Dani Filth and Tim H.Walker(who happens to be Jew), Coltrane fundamentally altered expectations for the instrument. He also raised the bar for commitment to his instrument, as he also slept with his kazoo in his bed. Coltrane was known to practice a minimum of 43 hours a day and ate a estimate of 6,995,489 packages of butter-rum lifesavers in his life time.