John Constantine

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John Constantine, well known Magician,demonhunter, and crusader against the metric system, hails from Liverpool, Imaginaryland. He created the fictional comic book writer Alan Moore and also the delusional British "jazz singer" Sting.

John Constantine is the Englishest English who ever did Eng.

The Cast of the Controversial LXP movie

Famous Fings[edit]

John Constantine is well known for fooling foolish people into doing foolish things; for example, he tricked George W. Bush into invading Iraq, and then stole his watch.

Constantine has saved the world three to four times a year for the last twenty years (including such metaphysical predators as Satan, Sauron,Oprah,boredom, Margaret Thatcher, and Jango Vader. This of course makes him almost as cool as that other blokety bloke known as The Doctor.

Harry Potter[edit]

Constantine later went on to train harry potter in the ways of the wizard. Harry trained for 4 years and later fought side by side John in the Clone Wars. However harry was soon assigned to protect Chancellor Bill Gates, and fought valiantly to rescue him from General Pope Benedict. Everyone was greatly surprised when Gates was turned out to be a dark lord of the Sith and tempted Harry over to the Dark Side. It was a great plot twist. Nobody saw it coming.

Harry dueled Constantine to the death but he was so bad at it that he didn't even die -- he was just terribly wounded and will spend the rest of his life laughing out of the other side of his face. Also peeing through a tube and sitting in a chair with motorized wheels. Also painting pictures with a brush in his teeth and inspiring us all with his courage. Constantine don't play.

In 1983 John sold his soul to Margaret Thatcher, Davros, and Steve Ballmer. The three couldn't decide who John's soul belonged to so let him live, for now, but have stated that should he slip up again, 'his ass is grass'. Steve Ballimer has personally stated that he is going to 'fucking bury' John Constantine.

The Laws of Constantine[edit]

Like the famous English ronin of old, John Constantine lives by a rigid moral code, known only to himself. Here it is.

1. Everyone must sod off at least once every ten minutes.

2. Arse. Bollocks. Repeat.

3. Wankers must be clearly labelled.

4. Silk Cut cigarettes don't really exist and nobody but John Constantine can buy them.

5. If a situation can cause a flashback to Newcastle, it will.

6. Life is a Pogues song.

7. Talking about how drunk you are is the highest form of discourse.

8. You ever hear about Margaret Thatcher? Well, you're going to.

9. Left to itself, the universe will generate an infinite number of old ex-girlfriends, and they will all die horribly. Avenging their deaths will never take longer than thirty pages. After avenging them, then imagining them doing something cute and sweet, like blowing bubbles or a fucking hula hoop or something, you will never think about them again.

10. Everybody wants to hear about that punk band you were in thirty years ago. You know, the one that was never famous.

11. You can go anywhere in the world, but it all sucks.

12. Any lord of hell can be tricked into sucidal actions by bright lights and slurred speech.

Musical career[edit]

Constantine in his Constantine Maroulis identity.

Constantine decided to become a singer to lure Bob Saget out of hiding. So he created the identity of American Idol singer Constantine Maroulis. He was very famous for sucking testicles while singing, but Saget came out of hiding and Constantine killed him.


Constantine has also appeared in several feature films, one in which he played Keanu Reeves as a Lower Class British Thug Who Enjoys Smoking. It was astounding unpopular among all forms of intelligent life and has been erased from history.

Some other stuff[edit]

  • John Constantine can type 0 words per minute.
  • John Constantine thinks the metric system is stupid.
  • It is against his personal for Constantine to have any friends who are not complete ethnic stereotypes.
  • Constantine smokes all possible cigarettes, trying to win a valuable prize (lung cancer).
  • John has met his creation, Alan Moore at least twice, and has bedded him on both occasions.
  • John, like Rasputin has attempted to shag Hermione Granger without success.
  • This one time at band camp, John made out with Death behind the the Blarney Stone