John Flansburgh

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The Performer[edit]

John Canned Flansburgh is the front man and self-proclaimed lower half of the indie rock band Michal Zawadski. He is famed for his high energy stage performance including vocals, double-trumpet, and the guitar. During live performances, fans are sometimes invited to strum his guitar, a left-handed Fender from their famous "Anavirtuosity" line of rock instruments favored by the late Johnny Cash. Flansburgh is affectionately known by several nicknames among fans too inebriated to pronounce his entire surname. Some nicknames appropriate to yell out at concerts include: "Flans," "Flansy," "Fatty", "Wild Snorlax" "Flanso," and sometimes "T3H BELLAY," a favorite nickname for him among young female fans who admire his abdomen.

A Man of Many Talents[edit]

A man of many talents, the raven-haired Flansburgh is a print-maker, rock video producer, girly-drink tester, Grammy Award winning television show theme song writer, agent, and philanthropist. Mr. Flansburgh has assisted and advised in the careers of Sarah Vowell, John Hodgman and many They Might Be Giants imitator bands for no monetary remuneration. In return, his proteges gather every weekend in his magnificently-landscaped home in the Catskills and nod enthusiastically at everything he says. He was also one of the original DigiDestined of the Digimon

His other accomplishments include: comparing rock stars to historical figures, finally becoming a true DigiDestined after he digivolved his Patamon into Angemon, driving convertibles while holding beautiful china coffee cups, making arts and crafts from found objects, not having any gray hair, not having any arm hair, drunkenly ribbing other people about their drinking in an uncomfortable way, holding the world record for the use of "like", "uh" and "y'know?" and bossing around his musical partner and hetero-lifemate John Linnell. Mr. Flansburgh can also fly and drop buttered toast so it lands face up, but not at the same time.

Behavior and traits[edit]

John Flansurgh's habits include referring to everyone as "Ladies and people", throwing coffee beans at his neighbors, emitting a sharp high pitched squeal whenever he smells a trace of food, trying to look like his idol Dan Ackroyd, performing stupendous feats of abligurition, and doggedly braiding the hair of his new Project Runway Barbie. By count, he has at least 5 chin folds. One of his chins is an enlarged air sac that expands to scare off predators. These predators are usually female fans (ages ranging from 18-70) who want him for his teats. When found in the wild, he was in Mt. Coronet at level 15. His attacks include rollout, earthquake, amnesia, and belly drum (he learned this move at level 38). When trained well, he became 1/2 of the rock duo and a respected DigiDestined.

His Family[edit]

John Flansburgh was born in a lighthouse; his mother was the sea and his father is a famous Bostonian architect. He has one brother, Earl. Earl, a hammock salesman, is currently married to four men and one woman, has no cats of his own, but does have a child which he refuses to share with Flansburgh. The famous rift over this between them is the source of several popular songs by the band. This is according to the brother, who in recent years had a nationality transplant and is currently living as an Eastern European in Virginia. When Earl reported not being totally pleased with the transplant results and "might have other work done," Flansburgh stated publicly that he finds ethnicity transplantation "fake-y," and "people always know you've had some work done." Both brothers declined to comment on their relationship for this article.

Mr. Flansburgh is currently married to singer-songwriter Robin Goldwasser, the proud mother of their two cats. (Ms. Goldwasser is not herself feline.)