John Freeman

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John FREEMAN.jpg
John Freeman
Date of birth November 16, 1984
Date of death May 2009
Place of Birth Kirkland, Washington
Nationality USA (duh)
Work Institution An office
Arch-nemesis Zombie Officers, Zombie Goasts, thenxtboss
Weapons Wepon, The Gun
Known For Walking fast and owning a motorcycle that drives at a maximum of 761.2 miles per hour

John Freeman, who was Gordon Freeman's brother, was one day an office, but went on to defeat the evil Combines and become the Saver of Humens. His specialties included motorcycl engineering and design which benefited him to erect a bike of his own specially made to ramp off the building and do a backflip and land. He was presumed dead after the hug Combine Tower that was big onto the sun blew up with him inside.


The year was 1782 when squirrelking gave birth to John Freeman asexually. Seconds later, the atmosphere shattered and the Earth's crust obliterated to make way for Billy Mays' Lesbian Robot Army. This event sparked the 26¼ -Year War for the patent of the Steam Engine. The war ended when squirrelking's 21st Peanut Butter Seagull Battallion captured Fort Knox, thus thourougly destroying Billy's Lego Tower, as well as his feelings. Mays was forced to retreat through Hell's gateway, but not without kidnapping John Freeman due to his urge of pedophilia. There, John Freeman played Hacky-Sack for several more centuries, until he got in the way of his step-father's Oxi-Clean commercials. Mays simply yanked young Freeman by the collar and slingshot him through a hole in the cieling, dropping him in the remote research facility of White Plateau, an overground research facility cleverly disguised as a boring-*ss office complex. The employer of the facility, Combine #747, hired him on sight, no questions asked (at least, that what John said he believed was the case. He claimed that all he heard were just mumbles behind his mask).

It's the truth, I was there.



There is little to know about John Freeman's life, for it was short. Very short. Sadly, no mere pussy here at Uncyclopedia can describe his existance more descriptive and beautiful than the one and only Squirrel King, who wrote a two-chapter novel on Freeman's life dubbed Half-Life: Full-Life Consequences. The story is written as follows (courtesy of Squirrel King):

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.

John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.

John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.

The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".

John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.

"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said

"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.

"BECAUSE YOU ARE HEADCRAB ZOMBIE!" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.

John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.

John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.

Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.

When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!" so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.

Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.

The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.

John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.

"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.

John Freeman walked like speed of light back to his motorcycl and left behind the bad place behind him. John Freeman had to ride his motorcycle really fast back to the office but John Freemans gas ran out. John Freeman jumped fast off the motorcycle and landed on dead peoples hands.

"Gordon Freeman is now these hands... i must kill the next boss and live up to full-life consequences!" John Freeman said out loud.

John Freeman picked up a laser gun and aimed it at trees to see if he could. John Freeman shot and tree fell down in front of him. John Freeman seen eggs fall out of the tree and he put them back home safe.

"These birds dont have to see Gordon Freeman yet. its not time." John Freeman said to him.

John Freeman had to walked faster and was back at his office work and on a computer. He looked on the internet and found the next boss.

"I know his weakness now" John Freeman said. And after that he got emails from someone. John Freeman opened up the emails and read them.

"Dear John Freeman, how are you? I miss you at home come home safe and soon with Gordon Freeman for thanksgiving dinner. Love mom." John Freeman looked at it and got sad and yelled "I WILL KILL THE BOSS AND GORDON FREEMAN WILL BE HAPPY SOUL!" then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time.

John Freeman put the laser gun on his motorcycle and his machine gun and his rocket gun that he found on the side of the motorcycle. He went through traffic and went fast like litning to back to Ravenholm and back to the bad place where Gordon Freeman was. John Freeman went off road and did backflips and landed on back wheels but kept going too.

John Freeman went really fast again like before and was soon back again at Ravenholm but saw more zombie goasts. John Freeman said to them "Zombie goasts i have killed your friends at the old house and i dont want to shoot your heads. move near the countrysides and you will be friends of John Freeman." The zombie goasts said that "no we will kill you" and walked fast to John Freemans motorcycle. John Freeman waited until they were in front of his motorcycle and backflipped off his bars and shot heads below and landed and walked fast to where the next boss was.

"you will be one of us!" yelled the dead zombie goasts. John Freeman laughed and shot a rocket at them.

John Freeman saw the next boss far down the road and walked slow this time. He walked really slow like a turtle and sat down on a rock and watched the next boss near the dead last boss and where the place that Gordon Freeman was. The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness.

The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy.

John Freeman walked to where Gordon Freeman was lying dead and crushed from the next bosss feet and looked down. A tear droped out of John Freemans eye and landed on Gordon Freeman.

"You are dead bro and i killed the evil boss." John Freeman told Gordon Freeman

Then John Freeman saw something bad. A headcrab was on Gordon Freeman! Gordon Freeman standed up and said "John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."

Years later, Squirrelking claimed to have seen John Freeman's son. Upon discovery, he wrote what he observed during the time.

In the future the world was dark and scarry. One day Combines came and noone knew why. Combines were robot things that werent robots with ugly faces and sometimes glowing eyes and slaved people in the city and made them angry and sad. Henry Freeman who was living in the city and with his mom said “mom why are Combines here” and she said “Henry Freeman Combines are from science and outter space and hate humens.”

Henry Freeman realy hated Combines because they beat up every one and Henry Freeman hated it. “mom why are they beating up that girl!” Henry Freeman said to his mom. “Because she is humen Henry Freeman, and they are evil Combines” Henry Freemans mom said back.

“Hey you Combines stop beating her up you evil guys!” Henry Freeman yelled loud at them. “Shut up kid or you will pay!” the Combines said and aimed there lazer guns at Henry Freemans head. “Combines dont aim your lazers!” yelled mom then the Combines shot her and laughed “Ha ha stupid humen girl with no head” they said with smiles.

Henry Freeman grabed his moms hand and said “mom you were beautiful soul and Combines will pay.” “Henry Freeman no get out of here fast as you can...” Henry Freemans mom said and died. Then Henry Freeman grabbed a wepon and shot the Combines in the heart and said “this is not over.”

The people around Henry Freeman cheerd and smiled and said “good job Henry Freeman we hate those Combines!” Combines made people fraid and when Henry Freeman killed them it gave them hop.

“Combines we are not scarred no more!” said Henry Freeman and every one around Henry Freeman said “YEAH!” and grabbed lazer guns and rocks. Henry Freeman and the people walked fast like waves and went towards to the Combine tower that was big like the sky.

“Where do you humen think you are going?” a big Combine army with lots of striders said.

“To send you back to science and outter space!” Henry Freeman yelled with mad “ATTACK THE COMBINES!” Henry Freeman yelled again.

The war was going and blowing things up when Henry Freeman saw a gravity gun on the ground. “Combines it is time to do what has to be done and live up to my family name” Henry Freeman wispered with head down.

The Combines were shoting people and steping on them with stiders and people were shooting lazer guns back and killing them sometimes. Explosions like 10 times of the sun went around Henry Freeman but Henry Freeman didnt care.

“Humen kind is losing and I need to help” Henry Freeman said. Then a big rocket came down and blew a guys arm off and legs and head and killed other people too.

Henry Freeman saw the dead going on all around. The Combine were to strong and big but Henry Freeman didnt care neither. Henry Freeman put the gravity gun on and started to throw striders and at buildings. The bildings fell and made dust and smoke and blinded Combines so Henry Freeman culd use the gravity gun to throw them into the sky realy high and make them squish.

The people were wining but then glowing things went in the sky and Combines came out. “Henry Freeman we have to go out of here!” a guy said to Henry Freeman. “No they are all every where!” another guy said.

“You are surounded prepair to die” the dark man said.

Henry Freeman lookd around. Combines with lazer guns were there. Henry Freeman knew if humens lost now it would be sad for ever.

“FIGHT” Henry Freeman yelled.

People runned toward the Combines to kill them and the Combines were going to shoot all the people in a second when a brite light came in teh sky. A shiny thing like the Combines came from opend in the sky and a guy came out.

“Combines leave my son alone” John Freeman said. ~

John Freeman backfliped out of the sky and landed besides Henry Freeman. Henry Freeman looked at John Freeman in the eyes and cry falled out and said “Dad mom has dead”. John Freeman went sad at the ground then moved head real fast up.

“COMBINES YOU KILLD WIFE?” John Freeman said with growls.

“Yes John Freeman” the dark man said after “Henry Freemans mom is shot in head” the dark man said again.

“I loved wife like sun raise... DARK MAN YOU WILL SUFFAR!” John Freeman ponted and yelled.

John Freeman jumpd in to sky with kicks and hit dark man and the dark mans mask ript off and John Freeman seed ugly Combine face but it looked like humen tooo. the dark man scrumbled back to Combines and Combines went to shoot John Freeman but Henry Freeman throwed granaid for John Freeman to shot them in faces.

“Son take people and leave the city its time I have to kill the enemys and make evil go away from here forrest of time!” John Freeman said to Henry Freeman and people.

“John Freeman we fight!” people said and didnt go no where.

“Dad humens have to fight for freedome!” Henry Freeman said and didnt go no where neither.

John Freeman was fraid for first time. He didnt want nothing to happen to Henry Freeman because Henry Freeman was John Freeman saw Combines start to run like monsters to humens and Henry Freeman and saw Henry Freeman and humens run like brave to Combines. John Freeman got quiet then dropped wepon and said “I have to kill fast and bullets too slow” and started killing Combines with bear hands.

John Freeman was killing Combines and barking necks and humens and Henry Freeman was behind shooting at Combines at front. Now Combines got scarred and ranned back to the dark man who was at the door to the big tower that was big onto the sun and went around the dark man and got redy to fight again. then the dark man pressed the button that made the big tower glow and smoke.

“John Freeman you let next boss step on me and made me headcrab zombie. Combines came and put science in me and made me live and strong and big now I make you and Henry Freeman headcrab zombie. Prepair to die” Gordon Freeman said.

“Gordon Freeman you are my bro and I killed next boss. Combines science is bad and made you tricked bro stop the button and glowing.” John Freeman said.

“NO!” Gordon Freeman angered back.

Gordon Freeman teleportaled to John Freeman and hit him with crow bar and John Freeman tried to grabe it but couldnt so he punched Gordon Freeman instead. John Freeman and Gordon Freeman was fighting for life and death when the Combines and humens started shoting each other again. Henry Freeman got in front of humens and saw the tower smoke and glow more and more like litning clouds.

Henry Freeman shout “It will explod!” so Henry Freeman and the people shot bullets and bombs at Combines so humen kind could press the botton and make it stop. Then Henry Freeman went to a Combines car and shoot all the Combines in it and went to the top and used the torret gun. Henry Freeman made the torret gun shoot Combines and bullets cut them in two and half.

Henry Freeman kept shooting Combines and the rest of humens got closer and closer to button to stop it. The Combines shot at the humens and made some die but no one cared becaus they had to do it. Then Combines started coming out of the hug tower to stop the humens. There was too much Combines and humens couldnt go to the button no more and the tower was all smoke and glow now expect for a little bit.

John Freeman knew it was too late and humens couldnt stop button. John Freeman had barley time but was still fighting Gordon Freeman.

“Bro it is time Im sorry” John Freeman said to Gordon Freeman.

“time for you to die John Freeman!” Gordon Freeman said back.

“No bro” John Freeman said then kicked Gordon Freeman in teh part of the face that was like Combines.

The science flew off Gordon Freemans face and landed and blowed up in a boom and Gordon Freeman stood and fall. “Bro..” Gordon Freeman said so John Freeman got closer to the ground like Gordon Freeman.

“Combines made me tricked bro Im sorry” Gordon Freeman said.

“I know bro but you are hero” John Freeman said back to comfart Gordon.

“Save humens and Henry Freeman” Gordon Freeman said quiet like pain and breathed slower and slower

John Freeman had Gordon Freeman and saw eyes shut and the breath stoped but Gordon Freeman had smiles on face.

John Freeman let go Gordon Freeman and went up back on his feet and loked his head around and saw trees and aminals and humens then looked at glowy tower and knew what has to be done. “Son and people get back!” John Freeman said out real loud so Henry Freeman frontflipped off torret and went with people back to John Freeman and ducked bullets and rackets.

“Son take people on motorcycle and leave city. Make people safe son and nothing happen to them.” John Freeman said to Henry Freeman.

“But dad I fight!” Henry Freeman said. “No son go with people” John Freeman said so Henry Freeman and humens went on motorcycle.

Henry Freeman started on motorcycl and started to go but slow becaus he didnt want to. the Combines saw and said “STOP THE HUMENS!” and went charge at motorcycle.

John Freeman walked to wards Combines and made fists with hands. John Freeman punchd and hit Combines in front but all Combines in back shot rockets and masheen guns. a Rocket hit John Freeman but he got up and killed more Combines then a Combine went at John Freemans back and stabed him but John Freeman got nife out and stabbed Combine in brane. Combines got close and hit John Freeman body with bullets but John Freeman kicked Combines back.

John Freeman kept fighting Combines and put head up to tower and saw it go brite and break then turned around in last second and saw motorcycle in far off safe place and was happy. Henry Freeman and the people in the motorcycle saw the tower go like millon stars and fire and loud noises then the people went down but Henry Freeman kept going and didnt say nothing.

After the world was nice and humens had new city and happy because the Combines was gone and nobody was slave or sad. President Henry Freeman and people and animals and earth had peace and in the middle of new city was a statue that said “John Freeman Saver of Humens”



He was an office, typing on a computer.


Neeeaaarrrrrrr, faaaarrrrrrr, whereeeeeeever you are, I believe that the heart does go on once more you open the door and you're here in my heart and my heart will go ooonnnnn and oooonnnnnn...


The games of Valve
Half-Life · Half-Life 2 · Gordon Freeman · Alyx Vance · G-Man · Gordon Frohman · Combine Soldier
Portal · Portal 2 · Film · GLaDOS
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead · Left 4 Dead 2

We will never forget the bravery of John Freeman.