John Goodman

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“There is nothing to have sex with that is heavier than me!”

~ John Goodman on Roseanne Barr

“Okay I think I'm stuck in his gravitational pull, get me some rope, some coke, both the drink and the drug, a French maid's outfit, 2 dozen Hershey bars, a rottweiler and the national guard”

~ Callum Ellis Jarvis-Jones when becoming caught in Goodman's gravitational pull on the quest for Jesus' beard
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Goodman.

John Goodman. A fat fucking swine of a man! He is heavier than 3 trains filled with John Goodmans, and he is larger than life (literally!)

John Goodman was born out of an elephant because no human was large enough to labour this fucking monster. At the age of 8 his hunger startet to grow and at the age of 10 his family fell pray to his enormous mouth.

After eating his own family he was twice the size of a full grown elephant. Today Goodman is 57 years old and is commonly referred to as a planet of it's own. And he has his own gravitational field! The Doodlebops

Fat bastard.

Early Life[edit]

John Goodman had a hard time growing up, since his father was a eyeless vete of the Pirate Wars, and his mother was a second cousin of George W. Bush, which finally left him with mental scars, after he finally realised how potentially deranged that was .

From this, John became adept at coping with virtually anything and soon learned that he got a hard on every time he ate. It was a strange, and yet unrelated fact, but an important one. John did well in school and in high school, he even had a girl friend, but it was soon found out that she died and John had ordered her to be stuffed with turkey dressing. He went to college but it really was just that cave the Goonies were in,where he was raped by sloth and Jeff Cohen or Chunk and was thus denied a full education of culinary arts, but forced to study "jewishernism", study of jews. after -8 years in the Gonnies cave of education he converted to judaism, and majored in the arts of shut the fuck up donnie and not FUCKING ROLLING ON SHOMER SHABBOS!

Up In Smoke Tour[edit]

Goodman spent some time as Snoop Doggs roadie in the late 90s, and he was involved in some heavy controversy during the european chicken leg of the Up In Smoke tour. Many fans remarked at how flat Dr Dres performance was during the Warsaw show, and it was revealed later that Goodman mistakenly attacked Dre, thinking he was Denzel Washington. During this attack he performed the worlds longest bear hug which literally flattened Dre to one third of his normal HIR (Human Inflation Ratio aka HUGEFELLATIO) Goodman cited a previous Samurai Sword fued with Washington as the reason for this, and anytime he sees Denzie he "loses his shit and has to compress a muhfucka". The fued stemmed from Goodmans dismay at being overlooked for Denzels part in Training Day, the movie in which Denzel sealed his gangsta status.

Cquote1.png They said even if I was in the running, they would have to re-write the whole movie as the only vehicle I can fit in is a school bus, making car chase scenes pretty fucking boring, but I say fuck that...the script sucked anyway. If they changed it to some shit about me driving kids around and shooting them in the face if they sass me, it would have won 9 oscars..even that animated shit, Nemo can find my nutsack and chow the fuck down. Cquote2.png

Contrary to popular belief, John Goodman is not Big Pun.

Because Big Pun is dead.


A magic change[edit]

For years, John Goodman maintained a rough, survivallist life, gaining a vast knowledge about what plants and berries to eat or to avoid, where the fresh water streams were, and to avoid being hunted by Dick Cheney. He became very cunning, strong, and agile and got used to his forest dwelling ways, when a mystery guy named Mr. T. Smith arrived and showed him that he did not ever have to live a rough, cavedwelling life ever again, making it his goal to educate him where college had failed (and it had, hohoho...) and using his inventions to make learning FUN.

Travelling through History[edit]

The duo became inseparable, going to the Dinosaurs, to watch a T-rex eat a few other time travellers, who looked suspiciously like slightly older versions of themselves, got involved in battles between Pirates and the British Navy, Hitler's mutant divisions against George S. Patton's genius elites, and were nearly killed by the legions of the brain of Adolf Hitler on the remains of Oceania in 389909, the latter not really being more than what John Goodman would later call "A great Shoot-em-up".

For years, the two continued, with Greek and Math from Plato, combat training from Captain Jack Sparrow, and sex training from Wilt Chamberlain and Gene Roddenberry. It seemed that John Goodman was not only a new man of many talents, but a budding Time Traveller, as well!

Then came the accident...

After the Accident[edit]

Finally, after taking a bullet for Robin, the T. Smith made a choice to keep John Goodman from harm after a fatal bullet wound in the stomach from the Joker put him in the Hospital, after almost a month of life-or-death struggling (actually, he recovered immediately, and spent a few days in a bed!), even though he wanted to maul the Joker, (Who just shot Robin in the crotch the next day), T. Smith had decided to Buy John Goodman a house, and let him live out his life, and hope that he would have his fill of life and adventure.


John had his first Movie when a Mr. Jayce Mondeau needed someone to play him or his sidekick, Dumpy, the Retarded Wonder Monkey, who wears a diaper, babbles and fucks up, and sucks. Luckily, he got the lead role.


John got his big break when he was asked to help film Arizona Man, a film about a superhero who gets all the powers of Arizona, and played the Hero's friend, Stumpy Mcgee. He did fantastically well, and performed all his own stunts. Soon, he landed a handful of more obscure roles, the least obscure of these is Roseanne's husband, Dan in Roseanne.

The Time of his Life![edit]

John Goodman was a success. Constantly asked by the Coens to come back for more pictures, hw had a fairly stable career and making enough money to support his spouse and two children, he finally felt empty inside... Finally in 2000, he decided to visit Mr. T Smith for one last adventure in time.

Smith did have concerns, but finally decided that one last trip would be alright.

They went back to 1989, where they were attacked by some flying monkeys. The Time Machine crashed, stranding John Goodman in the late 1980s.

Bewildered, John Goodman stumbled out of the wreckage, leaving the desert area and leaving the unconcious, injured Mr. Smith alone, to be found by a caveman, but that's another story.

He was rescued by a longhaired man in old clothes and a goatee, named Jeff Lebowski, otherwise known as simply "The Dude", who brought him to town, and helped him recover at his apartment.

John on laughing.

He gradually moved out, although not quite recovering from the crash, and various screwed up happenings from his old days in 'Nam to around 2000 when George Bush began setting up his foreign policy and tax cuts to the rich, becoming an unstable, gun-wielding man and complaining abouthow he's the only one who gave a shit about the "rules", which was rarely defined to others.

He changed his name to Walter Sobchak, to avoid contaminating the timeline, and formed his own Security Agency to make money, after he got an idea from a mugger he killed in an alley once.

He also formed his own bowling team with the Dude, and a timid, nervous, out-of-his-element guy named Donny.

He went through many adventures, including fighting off nihilists who tried to extort money out of the Dude, and saved Batman from a trap at the hands of Hush.

In 2000, much older, he hobbled into his old house, with the help of the recovered and hiding T. Smith, and explained where he was.

Considering that he had timed it so that he was only gone for over a day and a half. He got some bewildered looks, but otherwise his stunned family welcomed him back.


While acting the Emporer's New Balls with David Spanker in 2000, he fell off a bridge after scorpions chomped his balls off. He was 48. His balls crushed everything below them since they were huge. A huge mushroom cloud happened when Goodman's body hit the ground, killing Spanker and sending Spanker's balls flying and they hit Ronald McDonald while he was trying to rape Michael Jackson. This gave Jackson an oppirtunity to escape. Ronald received critical injuries and was sent to a Gay Men Hospital, where he raped the nurses and prank called a new jersey diner every night at midnight. But wait, if this is about John Goodman, then why are we talking about Ronald McDonald? However, god had unwittingly forgot to suck Goodman's soul out. He came back to life with an hour and a year later, in 2001, he was riding a door when it fell and he hit his balls on Mr. Waternoose, his old boss. Goodman survived but had to live with no balls. In 2003, he was dressed up as a bear in thye jungle, dancing like an idiot when he hit his toe on a tree. He screamed in pain but didn't die. In 2005, while acting Kronk's New Balls, he was struck by lightning and this time god remembered to suck Goodman's soul out.