John Hancock

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Hancock (right) and Thomas Jefferson line up to sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776.

John Hancock was the most immature American founding father. His birth name was John Footpenis, but he changed it to Hancock because of his dirty nature. From an early age John took an interest in dirty limericks and pointing lanterns at peoples' nipples. He also loved to mention his last name as it contained a dirty word. His best school chum, John Adams, who grew out of those kinds of jokes, was the only reason John was at any of the Continental Congress meetings where John Hancock made his name known. One common myth was that he signed his name the largest on the Declaration of Independence so that King George III would totally know he'd been punk'd. The real reason was that he was actually 23 feet tall. Hancock also ruined the first six drafts of the Constitution of the United States by signing his name in the margins, drawing obscene pictures and highlighting three particular letters in the title of the document. John Hancock was the original prankster.

Mother of Spanking the Monkey[edit]

OMFG HE IS ALL LIKE JOHN HAND-COCK!!!!lol Of the few things that John Hancock was know for, Spanking the Monkey gained him the most Notoriety, while his cousin This Guy Invented Kitten Huffing, John Hancock spent much of his time with his cock in his hand, IE "Hancock". One day while jerking off a donkey belonging to his father, Hancock noticed a girl walk past, he soon grew tight, and for reasons unknown to him, he began to spank the monkey vigourously, while many are unsure what "spanking the monkey" means, those who do now enjoy it immensely, enjoyed by those who dont even know what the fuck it means. Hancock's discovery of spanking the monkey took up most of his life, and Hancock nearly managed to allow spanking the monkey a right on the Constitution of the United States, George Washington however tricked Hancock, and instead wrote the Right to Bear arms. Now Hancock has virtually been forgotten as the Father of one of america's favorite past-times.

Hancock stating something we really didn't need to know.

Pornographic Accomplishments[edit]

Hancock kicks King George III's ass in 1776.

Upon the Discovery of Spanking the Monkey, Hancock devised the first pornography, sketching a hentai of sorts of all girls he came across, and spending his nights spanking his monkey off to them. Drawings soon bored him, Hancock then joined up with Benjamin Franklin and filmed the first porno, Scat Princess 8. Hancock began to develop a porno addiction, driving away any friends which he had, including John Adams, his large mansion he purchased with the fortune he made off the Porn Business, became a Debauched Realm, when Hancock wasn't banging his bitches, he was taking his monkey and the spanking the fuck out of it.He is still remembered in the hall of pornography as The Great Meat Beater.

Late Life[edit]

Hancock soon disappeared from the scene, going into seclusion, mad from his addiction to spanking his monkey, his mental stability declined. On one cold morning he burned his mansion, and his house, laughing frantically, he then ran around naked in his yard in circles screaming.Afterwards he stumbled into town and began to threaten people with his penis, he was finally apprehended by authorities, but by that time he had already drop loads on seven victims, he became known as "John the Jacker".

After the American Revolution, John became Isolated in a Small house on the edge of town, for his forty ninth birth he played Russian Roulette with his penis, he shot himself with a wad in the face and died!!


Since his death, his grandson Herbie Hancock has become a successful jazz musician, experimenting with synthesizers and keyboards.

A movie about John Hancock's life entitled Hancock was released July 2, 2008. It stars Will Smith as the titular founding father.