John Holmes

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Sir John Holmes (? BC - 1969 AD) was a Native American proctologist, detective, and knight. Little is known of this great man. In fact, "some people say" that he existed only in your imagination. However, others argue that he did exist, but was not a pornstar. Rather, you projected your feelings of inadequecy upon the actual John Holmes and in your mind you transformed him into the ideal man with a 15 foot penis.

Early Life[edit]

John Holmes was born illegitimately to Sherlock Holmes and Shirley Temple in the small town of Preston, in the north of England. He grew up in an abusive environment, with his mother often berating and beating him for his inability to breath properly. To escape the reality of everyday pressures, John often edited Wikipedia and ran with several street gangs and organized crime syndicates at the same time, including the Bloods, Crips, the Mafia (AKA La Cosa Nostra), the Latin Kings, the Yakuza, and the Sharks and Cobras.

In 1984, John joined the rap group Beastie Boys as the fifth member (Billy Joel was the fourth member). John was an excellent rap artist, but was kicked from the group when the Jewish Beastie Boy members discovered that John had distant neo-Nazi connections. Holmes immediately blamed his old neo-Nazi organization for his dismissal from the Beastie Boys, and out of pure rage, Holmes single-handedly took down all of the neo-Nazis with a bowie knife. He would later go on to assassinate and castrate Cuban leader Castro, as well as that other commie Chinese dictator, Mao.

Affair, incest, and sex tape[edit]

In the early 1990s, John Holmes had an affair with United States president Monica Lewinsky, who then bore him a child. This child would grow to become Katie Holmes.

In a strange reversal of the Oedipus complex (there is actually a term for the female version of the Oedipus complex, but I can't remember it), Katie Holmes killed Monica Lewinsky and had sex with John. Recently, a John Holmes/Katie Holmes sex tape has circulated around the internet, mostly on incest porn sites. Upon viewing this video, I must say that John is in fact well-endowed, and it is actually not a figment of your imagination.