John Mark Karr
John Mark Karr (born December 11, 1969) was a leading pediatric psychiatrist (and occasional entertainer) at the Mayonnaise Clinic in Bangkok, Thailand. He was most noted for developeding several breakthrough techniques in child reering, such as his patented "hug of love around the neck with a rope".
He was recently found not guilty for the 1996 robbery of beauty pageant queen JonBenét Ramsey. It is known that Karr struggled with urges of kleptomania his entire life, the rest of which will be spent in prison.
Karr was raised in the suburbs of Boulder, Colorado. He was the 12th of 7 children, and led a normal life. After graduating at the bottom of his class in high school, he moved out of Boulder and went to Thailand to study in education.
While studying at the University of Goa Tse in Bangkok, Karr met his soon-to-be wife, 5 yr. old Quientana Shotts . The couple married only weeks after meeting, but lasted less than three years. When Shotts turned 8, Karr divorced her and hastily married 4 yr. old Lara Knutson. Knutson and Karr are still happily married to this day, and Knutson is still 4 years old.
John Mark Karr stayed in Thailand after acquiring his much sought-after degree, and began teaching at several elementary schools in and around the Bangkok area.
Karr taught for several years until he was accused of stealing from several students, in which he was relieved of his teaching duties. Karr later confessed openly to the public that he stole from his students, and was prosecuted several times in the early 90's after police found pirated music on his computer. He was charged in 1992 for the crime, and was sentenced to two years of probation and voluntarily submitted himself to a psychiatric ward for his life-long struggle with kleptomania.
While in the ward, Karr undertook independent studies to become a pediatric psychologist, which many suspect was an influence from his time at the ward.
After only four years of rehabilitation, Karr was invited to a Christmas party by his long-time neighbors, the Ramseys. The occasion was not just to celebrate Christmas, but to celebrate Karr's release from the ward and his earning of a degree in child psychology.
Exactly what happened on the night of December 26th, 1996 is unclear, but many speculate that John Mark Karr broke into the home of the Ramseys, and stole the purse of JonBenét. Only hours after the crime had taken place, a frantic 911 call from Patsy Ramsey had begun the decade old mystery.
Investigators, upon their arrival at the Ramsey residence, began to search for fingerprints. The crime scene, which was the entire Ramsey house, was dusted for fingerprints. Investigators found 72 fingerprints, 45 of them which did not belong to a member of the Ramsey household, suggesting that the Ramseys hadn't cleaned since their Christmas party.
Money scattered in the basement of the Ramsey residence was the only physical evidence that was uncovered, all of which was taken by investigators as "evidence". However, this evidence went missing only hours after being taken from the Ramsey household. Some speculate that Batman may have taken it. An estimated $20 dollars was stolen from the purse.
After a long investigation done by Boulder's district attorney, Karr put on a tall hat and shouted "you've been Punk'd!".
Karr, who for a decade had been both treating children and entertaining them as a part-time clown in a Thai hospital, confessed in mid-2006 to the murder of JonBenét Ramsey.
He has recently written a paper on Thai champagne, in which he was quoted as saying, "I like my sparkling wine just like my women: vintage by about six years and smooth." He has also given his personal thumbs up to dining at Folsom County Prison and is looking forward to writing a report on the Háut and Fusion Cuisine in the Colorado penal system.
Other things Karr has confessed to
In addition to kidnapping JonBenet, Karr also confesses to:
- Killing Steve Irwin
- The Lincoln assassination
- Being in league with Voldemort
- Having WMD's
- The JFK assassination
- Killing Martin Luther King Jr.
- The 9/11 attacks
- Deciding Pluto was no longer a planet
- Test driving a new Lexus without the intention of actually buying one
- Stepping on the part of the ladder that says "This is not a step"
- Tipping less than 15% at restaurants
- Retransmitting NFL games without the written consent of the commisioner's office
- Chain smoking while pregnant
- Shooting Bambi's mother
- Faking Crop circles in the England countryside
- Pronouncing the "t" in "often"
- Having weapons of mass destruction
- Being the real Slim Shady
- Using unapproved, electronic devices under 10,000 feet.
- Paying too much for auto insurance before going to Geico
- Violating FBI warnings on several DVDs
- Ignoring the condition of New Orleans' levees
- Changing the channel when the voice-over specifically said to stay right there
- Coveting his neighbor's goods
- Removing the "Do not remove under penalty of law" tag on his mattress
- Leaving his tray down during takeoff
- Killing a plain looking, non-white girl the media doesn't care about
- Being a member of Team Rocket
- Pimping his myspace profile with help from another web site
- Lying about all the above comments
- Making up the previous comment in a stupid attempt at humor
- Deciding that the previous comment was pretty funny after all
- Asking you if you would like to send him a letter right now cause he's lonely.
- Seriously. Yes, it's me
- Killing the Benoit family
- Believing that it really isn't butter.
- Killing the electric car.
- Creating AIDS. Seriously, it was meant as a joke and then everything just went crazy.