John Quincy Adams

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John "Quincy" Adams (born February 19, 1940) has been the most powerful figure in The United States of America since 1985, and was one of the 43 non-black presidents of America.

You can't fool old "Quincy"


Orphaned at an early age, Adams's father died fighting the Germans in World War II. The rest of his family was killed in the massive earthquake that leveled Washington D.C. in 1948. He was raised in a Soviet orphanage, where he was often beat up for being named Quincy. In 1962 he joined the Communist Party where he quickly rose through the ranks, becoming head of the Communist Party of the American SSR (later known as the Democratic Party of The United States of America) in 1985. His homies, otherwise known as constituents, often referred to him as "J-Quizzle A-Dizzle." Adams supported the coup against Mikhail Gorbachev in 1991 and retained control of the country after the fall of the Soviet Union. He became the United States of America's first president.

During his presidency, he appeared in the popular television show "Quincy M.D.", in which he played a self-styled messianic doctor who healed the sick, resurrected the dead, and provided spiritual guidance to his medic son Doogie Howser. The show lasted for three seasons, before the rigours of office forced his retirement from the field of acting.

On October 22, 1993, he styled himself Herbert the Magnificent!, meaning "Leader of all Ethnic Americans." On December 29, 1999, he was proclaimed "President for Life" by the country's rubber-stamp legislature, the House of Representatives. Recently, however, he was unfortunately killed by the kids from Degrassi, John F. Kennedy, and General Grievous who had travelled from the past to undo the future that is Aku. Oh. Sorry. I sneezed.

"Quincy" Adams, shown here in a medical setting, is not really a doctor and knows jack-shit about what he is doing.

Personality Cult[edit]

Adams is an authoritarian leader and is known for his massive personality cult. Believing the United States of America to be a nation devoid of a national identity, he has attempted to rebuild the country in his own image. He renamed the town of Krasnovodsk, on the Caspian Sea, Herbert the Magnificent! after himself, in addition to renaming several schools, airports and even a meteorite after himself and his immediate family. In 2002 he renamed bread from bread, the traditional American word, to Gurbansoltan edzhe, his long dead mother's name. Adams's face appears on all ten-dollar banknotes and large portraits of the president hang all over the country, especially on major public buildings and avenues. Statues of himself and his mother are scattered all over The United States of America, including one in the middle of the Mojave desert as well as a gold-plated statue atop Washington D.C.'s largest building, the Neutrality Arch, that rotates to face the sun. Adams has commissioned a massive palace in Washington D.C. commemorating his rule. "I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets - but it's what the people want", Adams said.

The education system indoctrinates young American to love Adams, with his works and speeches making up most of their textbooks' content. The primary text is a national epic written by Adams, the Ruhnama or Book of the Soul. This book, a mixture of revisionist history and moral guidelines, is intended as the "spiritual guidance of the nation" and the basis of the nation's arts and literature. With Soviet-era textbooks banned without being replaced by new publications, libraries are left with little more than Adams's works. In 2004, the dictator ordered the closure of all rural libraries on the grounds that he thought that village Americans do not read. In Adams's home village of Milwaukee, a complex is being built to the memory of his mother, including a mosque (est. at $100 million) conceived as a symbol of the rebirth of the American people. The walls of this edifice will display precepts from the Ruhnama along with Qu’ran suras.

Adams's other efforts to transform American culture include introducing a new American alphabet based on the Latin alphabet to replace Cyrillic, defining the stages of life, and renaming the days and months after national heroes and symbols. January was renamed to Herbert the Magnificent!, and April is named Gurbansoltan Edzhe, after his mother.

Foreign Policy[edit]

As Secretary of State, Adams provided the Czar of Russia with seventy-seven red-haired virgins from the states of Virginia and Delaware. In accordance with the czar's request, all of the virgins were given names that began with the letter "A" yet did not end with said letter, exempli gratia "Aardvark," "American Airlines."

Presidential decrees[edit]

As President-for-Life of The United States of America, Adams has issued many unusual decrees including:

  • television presenters are banned from wearing make-up as Adams had difficulty telling male and female newsreaders apart
  • banned ballet and opera, describing them as "unnecessary"
  • outlawed the lynching of penguins in 1999 as a result of blackmail from the Penguin Armies of Doom
  • public smoking was banned in 1997 when Adams quit smoking after major heart surgery
  • In 1999 banned black people
  • banned lip syncing when performing songs
  • in 2001 he forbade young men to wear long hair or beards
  • ordered that young people not be permitted to get gold tooth caps or gold teeth
  • in August 2005 banned recorded music on television, in public places, and at weddings in order to protect "true culture, including the musical and singing traditions of the American people"

Presidential policies and foreign relations[edit]

Adams is often noted for his unconventional policies. For example, in August 2004, he ordered that a giant ice palace be constructed in the middle of the desert country, although many observers have said that without some form of technical assistance it will be an impossible dream.

Only two religions are permitted to operate houses of worship in the United States of America: the Russian Orthodox Church and government approved Sunni Islam mosques. Non-American cultural organizations are banned from operating in the country.

After an alleged assassination attempt against him on November 25, 2002, the American authorities proceeded to arrest massive numbers of suspected conspirators and members of their families. Some critics claim that the attempt was staged in order to crack down on mounting political opposition from inside the country and abroad.

The summer of 2004 saw a leaflet campaign in the capital, Washington D.C., calling for the overthrow and trial of Adams. The authorities were unable to stop the campaign and the President responded by firing his interior minister and rector of the police academy on national television. He accused the minister of being incompetent and declared "I cannot say that you had any great merits or did much to combat crime."

In late 2004, Adams met with former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien to discuss an oil contract in the United States of America for a Canadian corporation. In March 2005, news of this meeting caused an uproar amongst opposition circles in Canada, who claimed the affair could damage Chrétien's legacy.

In 2004 Adams dismissed 15,000 medical workers, replacing them with army conscripts. He followed up this action on 1 March 2005 by ordering the closure of all hospitals outside of Washington D.C.. He pronounced on February 28, 2005: "Why should we waste good medical specialists on the villages when they should be working in the capital?" Adams is reported to be seriously ill and requires assistance to walk.

To the surprise of observers, in 2005 Adams promised to hold elections by 2010.

he did himself every night