“He is a person that will make all Americans proud to be a member of the Supreme Court.”
John Glover Roberts, Jr. (born 27 January 1955) is the seventeenth and current Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States and the Last Son of Krypton. He is the first closeted, self-loathing, homosexual eunuch to serve on the Supreme Court. Despite his lack of testicles, Justice Roberts says that "he enjoys watching his wife perform with the testicle enabled" and that he "gets a kinda rush from it." His friends refer to him as "Oral" Roberts. They claim it has nothing to do with the recently deceased snake-oil salesman of the same name.
The Early Years
The son of legendary actress Marlee Matlin and a district attorney and a radio morning show DJ, John G. Roberts, Jr. was born Hyme Schlomowitz in Texarkana, Texas on September 21, 1931. After his parents' divorce, he moved to Nome, Alaska to live with a displaced Franciscan friar who had a penchant for asparagus. When he was 12, the friar came to terms with his pedophilia and young John moved back to his mother's place, who had married Tim Burton's neighbor and was launching a career in telemarketing.
The Turbulent Non-Testicle Years
After having his testicles removed, he decided to follow his mother's acting road. His first stage tryout was with the Nathan Lane Theatre-in-the-Round in Dallas, Texas. He then appeared in the New York City Center production of "The Rocky Horror Show," followed by a year in regional theater. In his early-to-mid twenties, John sans-testes moved to England as a member of the cast of his mother's stage show, "South Park", and was a member of the cast for five years. After that, he enrolled in the Boy Scouts of America, where he produced and directed several series for members of the service. After completing his service in the Air Force, Judge Roberts then flew 'round the world for a series of crappy commercial shoots, esp. "Sad Phone Commercial With Daughter", "New Career With Cup of Coffee", "Comes A Day", "A Priest in the House", "The New Bottle of Denture Cream", "The Warm Feeling of Analgesic Cream", "The Nervous Dipshit" among many others.
The Glorious Television Year (With HUGE Testicles[I am not kidding])
He began his television career in 1961 with a number of guest appearances on shows as "The ALCOA Hour". He was later chosen to be in the popular daytime series "I Wish I Could Reproduce Asexually" (1956), in which he starred for 2 years. But that was his start, he later went on to become the friendliest television star in the NBC sitcom I Dream of Jeannie (1965), in which he played the amiable astronaut, Anthony Nelson. In the series, his life was endangered by this gorgeous blonde bombshell genie played by Sandra Day O'Connor. The series ran for 5 years and after that, he continued his success in "The Good Life" (1971) and "Here We Go Again" (1973), as well as a number of guest-starring roles on many series. He was also with your mom in the television version of the hit Broadway musical Applause (1973) (TV). In 1977, "Dallas" (1978) came aboard and John's career was secured. He credits Tim Curry for convincing him to do the show. This program of an excessively rich Texas family, was one of the best, beloved, most-watched shows of all time as he portrayed the role of the evil yet perverted millionaire Pee-wee Herman, the man who loved to be hated. The series ran for an amazing 14 1/2 seasons and the "Who shot Pee-wee?" episode remains the second highly-rated television show in the history of the satellite. Since his name was familiar with Texas, it was suiting that he hosted "Lone Star" (1985), an eight-part documentary series related to the history of Texas, for the Public Television Stations. That aired while celebrating the 150th anniversary of Texas as an independent republic.
Women....Why Can't They Just Shut Up?
In the spring of 1987, Kari-Lorimar released "That Guy from the Rockford Files--Stop Smoking for Life:. Proceeds from this home video were donated to the Church of Fred Flintstone. In July 1995, he needed a liver transplant in order for him to regain his life back after years of strong drinking that led to cirrhosis. He went over to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for this where he spent 7 weeks in the hospital, and an operation took 16 hours but saved his life. In July 1996, 1 year after he had a new liver, he served as the National Spokesperson for the Save the Santas Coalition, presented by the Foundation for the Anally Explicit. On November 2, he later received the Award for his efforts in escalating public awareness of the concept of organ donation. Today, he continues to serve as an advocate of Michael Jackson and free soda. In November 1996, he starred in Dallas: Pee-Wee Returns (1996) (TV), a 2-hour movie in which the ratings were a huge success for CBS, as well as in the network's one-hour, drama series Orleans (1997) when his role of Luther Vandross gave him some of the best reviews of his 36-year-career. When he was feeling better than he had for so many years, he completed his 2 movie projects: The Third Twin (1997) (TV), a four hour mini-series based on the author's best selling novel, that aired on CBS, and Mike Nichols's Primary Colors (1998), a film based on the best-selling book by a journalist, Joe Klein. Starring in that film were a dozen hobos, some French chick, Royal Tenenbaum, Mr. Led Zeppelin, Larry Hagman, and even Jesse Ventura played Governor Picker, an antipolitics politician who stands a grave danger crisis to the governor's bid for office. Primary Colors was his second presidential film having also appeared in Oliver Stone's Nixon (1995). Following these movies, his second Dallas reunion movie, Dallas: War of the X-Wings (1998) (TV), aired on CBS. He also served as Executive Producer. Away from films, Judge Roberts is actively involved in a series of civic and philanthropic events. An adamant smoker, he served as the chairperson of the Bulemia Society's "Let's Boil a Turkey-Fest!", from 1981 to 1992. that's sexist
The Later Years and Death
Although his body technically died on July 19, 2086, his consciousness was transferred to a robot three days earlier. He continued to serve as Chief Justice with his black robe obscuring his shiny new metal ass. During the robot upheaval of 2132, Roberts' memory storage was wiped, and his somewhat less shiny metal ass was reassigned to a hospital emergency room, thus ending his tenure as a Supreme Court Justice.
Fun Facts About Judge John G. Roberts Jr.
- John attended Clown College
- John is one of 16 people in the world who's ever consumed African Fainting Pygmy Goat's milk.
- Despite one being a Nazi and the other a Commie, John and Sen. Russell Feingold are buddies and share an apartment in New York, after Russ' wife threw him out.
- John belongs to a secret society of Roberts, including Tanya Roberts, Oral Roberts, Roberts Redford, and Ted Danson.
- "Judge" is John's nickname.
|Chief Justice of the United States
2005 – 2009