John Stamos

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John Stamos whilst thinking about John Stamos.


Atomic Weight: 35.8 secret-amu.

Half-Life: Unknown.

Common Uses: Riding motorcycles and banging supermodels.


Born in 2003 to a tribe of pygmy Greeks, no member of the tribe could lay claim to the man. Not much was known of his early childhood aside from a rapidly developing affinity towards Oscar Wilde and (often spiced) Jedi cocks.

In late 2004, John Stamos' larval stage was completed and he began his onslaught with the media, eventually leading to his time travel and subsequent incitation of World War II.

In early 2006, Stamos famously made the choice of a Jedi tweeker and refused Lindsay Lohan's offer of 3 kilos of cocaine, proclaiming both that "Coke Stamos" was dead and that his new allegiance was to amphetamines. Enraged, Lohan retreated to her spaceship, "Goodbye Kitty." Stamos and the crew of his time-travel vessel pursued her as an Old Republic fleet commenced an assault of its own.

A year after the defeat of Lindsay, Stamos left known space, having remembered the remnants of the ancient Cocaine Empire he had rediscovered as the Dark Lord, also known as the "Coke Stamos". Hoping to put an end to the threat it posed before it could attack, Stamos bade farewell to the nine comrades who had accompanied him on his quests, knowing that none whom he loved could safely accompany him in the places he had to walk. It is also believed by some that he sought exile after the Mandalorian and Pirate-Ninja Wars, thinking that because he brought the cocaine upon the Republic, and then lost control of that power, that was his own personal failure.

And the rest, they say is history.

Life with the Jenova's Witnesses[edit]

In the spring of 1985, John was visited by John Cleese, a Jenova's Witness. Stamos is oft-quoted stating: "It was one of the most important moments of my life... I mean... I have a family now." One month after joining, "The Stamos" slaughtered his entire paternal Greek tribe. He had massive orgies with the Olsen twins, Bob and Dave. He hated having to kiss Becky saying, "I prefer kissing beards and bushes." Oh, and he was caught more than once trying to seduce Comet.

The Chocolate Rain Controversy[edit]

John Stamos claimed that, in early 1983, he actually formulated the Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory completely independent of popular alchemist Tay Zonday. This has been disputed by countless scientists, including the likes of Sir Thomas Shithead and Professor Subtle. To this day, "The Stamos" is unable to provide any evidence.



  • John Stamos frequently refers to himself as "The Stamos," but other nicknames include:
  • John Stamos helped invent gin
  • John Stamos was the subject of my first nocturnal emission

See Also[edit]