John Terry

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“That guy is gay.”

“I did not have sex with that man.”

“Who is John Terry?”

“I didn't dive, he actually kicked me in the head!”

John Terry (1980-2006; 2006-2010) is a Canadian zombie surfer, dragon rider, football defender and brother in-law and in-haircut of professional wrestler Rob Terry. He is mostly famous for being gorgeously beautiful and irresistable to any woman(excluding Jessica Alba, Smurfette and Scarlett Johansson). Terry shook his public image in 2004, announcing he is transsexual and marrying fellow English player Ashley Cole. The lucky couple moved to Chelsea together and ancested a drug-selling facility.

Early life[edit]

As a child, Terry lived in Harlem, New York, where he got addicted to drugs, resulting in his haircut. He grew delusional and even thought he was married to David Beckham. His role-models, while growing old, included Adolf Hitler, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Janet Jackson.

Football Career[edit]

One day, after a drug-induced comma, Terry realised he was sold to slavery to Chelsea F.C., which sucked at the moment. Soon, however, Roman Abramovich bought the team for 1 billion snowballs and the squad entered an age of dominance over rival teams such as Pittsburg Penguins. Terry's most glorious day came when Ashley Cole came to the team from Arsenal and the two began to no longer hide their affair. The two married and had one daughter. Mainly due to Terry's great defensive skills, Didier Drogba's diving and Abramovich's money, Chelsea won the title six times in a row, making all 2241 Korean Manchester United supporters commit suicide. Notable players Terry murdered in the process include Michael Vick, Natalie Portman and Yoko Ono. The Chelsea player thus earned the title of best killing spree without receiving a red card, beating Nemanja Vidic by just 2 frags.

Personal life[edit]

The use of cocaine drove Terry to missing a penalty in the 2006 World Cup, after which he killed himself in ancient Japanese fashion. Soon, however, he rose from the dead as a zombie. In 2009 Canada news networks announced Terry has had an affair with Tiger Woods, while married to Cole. Tiger's wife, Scarlett Johansson announced that: "once [she] learn[s] where that "Eng-luhnd" is and what does an ih-lund mean, there would be some serious casualties". Afraid of the preceding statement, the zombie surfer slit his wrists with a Michael Jackson CD making it unclear wether he would walk the Earth once again.

International Career[edit]

Terry joined the Canada national team, but missed only one penalty and was therefor removed from the squad.