John Woo

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“I know I can always depend on John Woo to give my eyeballs the greatest orgasms of their lives after watching one of his action packed movies.”

~ Clint Eastwood on John Woo

“John Woo is the Ideal of fucking amazing action sequences.”

~ Plato, Phaedrus 23b on John Woo

“John Who?”

~ Dr. Seuss on John Woo

John Woo... where to start. John Woo is a Chinese film director from none other than Hong Kong, China. John Woo is the director of every single fucking awesome movie ever created in the history of the universe. John Woo is credited with directing the Big Bang. John Woo is currently working on the sequel, Big Bang 2: Bigger Bang. Sometimes other directors are credited with directing one of John Woo's movies, but anybody who isn't a doofus knows that John Woo is the director of the movie in question. For example, those lying, stealing mediocre Wachowski brothers claimed they "reinvented the action genre" with their Matrix flick, but this is merely bullshit from a bull's butt, since its pretty obvious that even if they did direct it, they stole everything they know from the Holy Woo.

Woo as an Agent[edit]

John Woo is thinking about the action scene of your demise. Will it involve chinese men? Only John Woo can decide.

Many people have no idea about John Woo's secret life behind the action film business his code name is W-00 (Double u Double O). John Woo is a secret agent hired by the us government to protected America from evil doers and bad action films across the world. If you don't believe me watch hard boiled and go behind the scene's and watch Woo's documentary on it. He says I quote "Tequila is representing me... Not that I would shoot anyone..." that is a questionable after statement didn’t seem like he really meant the last part. Woo really has helped rid the world of bad action movies that you haven't even herd of, such as Matrix 4, Shoot'um up 2, the new Rambo (Well even some bad movies not even Woo can stop), Mission impossible 4 (He tried to help mission impossible 2 however Tom Cruise was in it so no matter what he tried to do it was going to fail), etch... John Woo also stopped a new Nazi up rising in Germany. It was ten thousand Nazi’s to one (Woo) and Woo only had two pistols. However John Woo was to skilled and used slow motion on their ass, then he took two thousand out using precision aim, then he kicked up a table and took cover. The remaining eight thousand Germans concentrated fire on the table, until there was just a thick cloud of dust, when it settled Woo was gone. Woo then jumped from a balcony above the army down to the ground below and used Barrage, he continued a never ending rain of bullets into the swarm of Nazi’s. Then he ran out of Barrage and looked for more cranes. He grabbed them while dodging a bombardment of fire. After he collected all the cranes he needed he leaped onto a rail and slide down it to the bottom of the steps where the army remained. He then used spin attack, and in a ever lasting moment took them all out. john Woo won the medal of honor.

The Legacy of the John Woo Action Scene[edit]

John Woo is known for John Woo's sexy, orgasm inducing, eyeball popping, gut wrenching, gall bladder spraining, DVD+/-R burning, style oozing, akimbo fucking awesome action scenes. Jesus Christ was once quoted as saying(while frothing at the mouth), "Oh my shit's fuck, that was an awesome action scene," after watching a John Woo action scene. John Woo's action scenes are so good, he has patented film action scenes, and trademarked the phrase "Action Scene." Apple once took John Woo to court after trying to name their latest OS "Action Scene," but was defeated in the most incredibly stylish court battle ever. The trenchcoat/sunglasses fashion sense, and combat style of using a gun in each hand in close quarters — often referred to as 'Gun fu,' was invented by, you guessed it: John Fucking Woo.

Various Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know About John Woo[edit]

  • God once asked John Woo for a part in one of John Woo's movies. He got the part.
  • John Woo's favorite gun is the Beretta 92F/FS. He is quoted with saying, "it is strong and elegant."
  • If people refer to John Woo as anything but "John Woo," chinese men wearing trenchcoats and sunglasses, with akimbo Beretta 92F/FS pistols will come out and shoot at you with a billion.5 bullets, most likely hitting you in the eyeball.
  • John Woo has created the storyboards for Destroying All Things. John Woo has not yet directed the scene, but it is expected to be fucking awesome.

John Woo's Filmography[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to John Woo.
  • Face/Off(1997)
  • "Jesus Vs Schindler (20π)"
  • A Better Tomorrow II (Ying xiong ben se II) (1987)
  • A Better Tomorrow (Ying xiong ben se) (1986)
  • The Totally Violent Movie That Isn't Fucking Gay (1982)
  • Hard Boiled (Lashou shentan) (1992)
  • Fucking Awesome Movie (0)
  • Fucking Awesome Movie 2: Even More Fucking Awesome (5 BC)
  • Fucking Awesome Movie 3: It Doesn't Get Any More Fucking Awesome Than This (2006)
  • Oops I Just Shit My Pants Because That Movie Was So Awesome (1984)
  • The Movie That Shoots Other Movies In The Face And Their Brains Explode Out The Back Of Their Heads As They Fall Off A Balcony In Slow Motion And Land On A Semi-Truck And We See The Driver Jump Out Seconds Before It Explodes For No Reason (1990, HK)
  • One Long Feature Length Action Scene (1867)

John Woo's Rivals[edit]

Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie | Nicholas Webster | Roger Corman | Ang Lee

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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