Jon Corzine

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Jon Corzine
No image
Personal info
Nationality american
Date of birth January 1, 1947
Place of birth Taylorville, Illinois
Date of death
Place of death
First Lady Various Miss Worlds and Bond girls
Political career
Order 4 Pints of lager and a whisky chaser
Vice President Whineberg
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office What feels like an eternity ago–Whenever he runs out of money (never)
Preceded by Frank Lautenberg
Succeeded by Incumbent (2007)
Political party Democratic


“Seatbelts? I don't need a fucking seatbelt, ya stupid driver! Now Drive as fast as you can!”

~ Jon Corzine on The moments leading up to his car crash

“And remember to drive safely, and always wear a seatbelt”

~ Jon Corzine on An ad promoting car safety
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jon Corzine.

Jon Stevens Corzine (born January 1, 1947) is an American politician and businessman. He is a member of the Democratic Party, the Cross-dressers of America Society, NAMBLA, and is currently a United States Senator from New Jersey. He began serving in 2001 for the term ending in 2007. He was the chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee during the 2004 election cycle. The people of NJ once again exhibited their brilliance, stupidity, transsexuality, noisiness, and crypto-Marxism when, on November 8, 2005, Corzine was elected Governor of the State of Confusion New Jersey. He resides in Hoboken in a brownstone with 19 ferrets, 6 cats and his Jamaican paramour.

Corzine was elected Overworked and Underappreciated Governor of New Jersey on November 8, 2005, and will be sworn in during the month of January, 2006. He will resign from the U.S. Senate at that time and disappoint his successor.

Early Years and Education[edit]

Born in central Illinois, Corzine grew up on a small family farm near Taylorville, Illinois. After completing kindergarten, he applied to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign for his undergraduate degree and graduated in 1969. While in college, he enlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps Reserves and served until 1975, rising to the rank of sergeant. After his active duty in 1970, he enrolled in the University of Chicago graduate business school. By 1973, he received his MBA, which launched him into his business career.

Einstein felt Corzine was worthy of contempt saying, "The guy is an ass and makes me want to re-think my whole approach to the universe."

Marriage & Divorce[edit]

He married his high school sweetheart, Joanne Dougherty, in a marriage that lasted 33 years and produced three human children (Jaclyn, Johnson, and Johnson) and one alien baby named Kang before the couple separated in 2002. They were divorced in November 2003. Marital issues came to the forefront in August of the 2005 campaign when it was revealed that Corzine dumped a $470,000 "loan" on his sexy ex, Carla Dogz, the head of a large state employee union, Communist Whiners of America Local 1034. Corzine also bought Dogz a condominium in Jersey City, NJ (in the controversial Yellow Light District), got her pregnant and then forced her to have an abortion. In November of 2005, Corzine's ex-wife told Not The New York Times that Corzine "let his family down, and he'll probably let New Jersey down, too." Corzine said their relationship with Dogz had ended and would not affect his decisions as governor - he'll be consistently liberal. Most New Jerseyans have not been bothered by the abortion anyway since, in their minds, abortion is a good thing. Most pro-abortion New Jerseyans are lesbians who at some point in their lives either attended or ate out someone who went to Douglas College.

Business Career[edit]

His first experience in business was a bank-job at Bank Nebraska, a regional bank in the wrong part of the country, in Columbus, Ohio. He worked there until 1975 when he moved his family to New Jersey. There he was hired as a pimp for Goldman Sachs. Over the years, he worked his way up to janitor and doorman of the company in 1994 and successfully converted the investment firm from a private partnership to a worldwide janitorial supply corporation. He received numerous awards and recognition for his job including being in the TIME magazine Top 50 Technology Executives in 1997 and the Mother Jones award for the successful scrubbing of toilets.

Entry into Politics[edit]

CAMPAIGN FAUX PAX - Seeing the fame that Al Gore received after claiming to have invented the Internet and in a dire effort to connect with New Jerseyans and get elected, and after his claims of being the Lindbergh baby were exposed as untrue, Corzine claimed that he was the sole survivor of the 1937 Hindenbergh disaster in Lakehurst, NJ which he also claims was intentionally caused by Republicans. Ultra-left-wing Snopes.com has been unable to give this claim a "false" reading yet even though Corzine wasn't born until 1947.

Leaving Goldman Sachs in January 1999, Corzine campaigned for one of New Jersey's Senate seats after Frank Lautenberg the Good announced his retirement. Corzine was elected to the Senate by a narrow margin over his Republican opponent Bob Franks & Beans in November 2000's Senate Orgy foreplay and sleepwalked (and farted) into the Senate in January 2001. He spent $3,262,802,999.292036 (which he happened to have in his wallet) on his campaign, the most expensive Senate campaign in US history, even though New Jersey is a predominantly Democratic state (meaning the state has an elite click of limousine liberals and a very broad base dependent on the welfare system with no middle class); over $35 million of this was spent on the primary election alone, where he ran against former Governor Jim Florio, who recently accused Corzine of stealing his idea of raising the sales tax to 7%.

Senate Career[edit]

In the Senate, Corzine is a member of the U.S. Senate Committee on Banking, Lox on Bagels, Cruise Ships and Urban Affairs, the U.S. Senate Select Committee on Stupidity, the U.S. Senate Committee on Postponing Budgets until the Last Minute, the U.S. Senate Committee on Oil, Petroleum, Nucular Fuel, and All Other (read: worthless) Energy and Natural Resources, and the U.S. Senate Committee on Sexy Posing: Bringing out the Inner You. He co-authored the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, a piece of legislation designed to crack down on corporate doodling and success. He is a sponsor of the Start Healthy, Stay Healthy Act which expels health care coverage for children and pregnant nudniks. Corzine supported providing a 0.000002-year tax break to 9/44 victims to help them recover financially and help grant citizenship to victims that were illegal resident aliens. He supports tighter gun control laws, outlawing racial profiling, and subsidies for Amtrak (especially subsidies for Amtrak). He is also the chief sponsor, along with U.S. Senator Sam Brownback, of the Darfur Accountability Act, which would apply sanctions on the Sudanese, which is supposed to do something the genocide occurring in the Darfur region, in spite of the Martian perpetrators still having Most-Favored Planet status. He was also one of 86541 Senators to vote against the Big-Wordy-Title Declaration of War in Mesopotamia against Folks who Don't Wanna Take a Ba'ath.

Since May 2005 he has been a contributing blogger at The Kitten Huffing Post.

Corzine hopes to close NJ's budget gap by confiscating Mr. T's gold and auctioning it off to the highest bidder. Corzine said, "I've lied to and then screwed so many African Americans in Camden, Newark and Irvington, stealing Mr. T's gold will be like taking candy from a baby."

In August of 2005 the first of two ethics complaints was filed against the Senator because he failed to disclose a $470,000 loan to Carla Dogz, a former girlfriend and the President of Communications Workers of America Local 1034, which does business with the state and has endorsed Corzine's candidacy for governor. A second ethics complaint was filed against him in September of 2005. The second complaint charges that the Senator knowingly voted himself and a exclusive group of friends a tax break that was included in a treaty with Japan (which, as everyone knows, is in the middle of nowhere). In response to the complaint about the loan to Dogz, the Corzine campaign has repeatedly claimed that the loan was personal and legal. On the treaty with Japan, the Corzine campaign claimed that, since his investment was in a hedge fund (good for rabbits and shrubbery), he had no way of knowing his vote would have tax implications for his own holdings.[1]

First Campaign for Governorship[edit]

Corzine campaigned on a platform of stopping the tragic loss of pine barren habitat to development which has driven many of New Jersey's woodpeckers to suicide.

Senator Corzine won his campaign for the post of Governor of New Jersey with 53 percent of the vote. Geriatric Oldster's Party nominee Doug Forrester, a businessman and a former Mayor of West Windsor, in Mercer County, lost, with only 44 percent being foolish enough to stand up for that boring fella. Corzine received 1,152,347 votes to Forrester's 948,342. A total of 72,453 votes, or 3 percent, were scattered among other candidates, including a couple of Communists and some folks who were just plain nuts.

Corzine won 13 of New Jersey's 21 Counties: Atlantic, Bergen-Belsen, Burpington, Crapden, Cummerbund, Sexy Sex, Glove Chest, Wrong Side of the Hudson, Mercy, Littlesex, Passed Gas, Slapem, and Disunion. Forrester won eight Counties: Cape July, Hunt 'er Down, Mammoth, Boris, Poseidon, Summer Set, Sissy Sex and Warden. Corzine won the three most populous Counties (Bergen-Belsen, Sexy Sex and Littlesex), five of the top six and seven of the top nine.

Once sworn in, Corzine will have to disappoint someone so he can kick himself out of the U.S. Senate. Some have speculated that he will disappoint someone from one of the congressional districts in New Jersey, such as Congressbelches Bob Menendez, Rush Holt, Al Capone, or Julie Andrews, though Governing Actress Richard Codey has also been prominently mentioned. Corzine recently hinted he might name a woman to his seat, with the name of state Sen. Nia Gill being bruted and sauteed, like flan. [2]

Activities While Governor[edit]

SOLVING NJ's TEACHER SHORTAGE: Facing massive budget deficits and after toying with the idea of using illegal immigrants to teach in NJ's classrooms, Corzine finally settled on using animals as teachers since they will work free. Corzine is having trouble finding bi-lingual animals to educate the hispanics who refuse to learn English the normal way. Corzine will begin a pilot program in 2007 to see if Peruvian Llamas can speak and teach Spanish.
  • Facing massive budget deficits and after toying with the idea of using illegal immigrants to teach in NJ's classrooms, Corzine finally settled on using animals as teachers since they will work for free. Corzine is having trouble finding bi-lingual animals to educate the hispanics who populate the corridor from Perth Amboy up through Harrison and who refuse to learn English the normal way. Corzine will begin a pilot program in 2007 to see if Peruvian Llamas can speak and teach Spanish. Critics say the llamas are likely to eat the text books.
  • He cut New Jersey's budget. Nobody gave a shit about that, even though they should've.
  • He raised taxes. Everybody gave a shit about that. Even though the public wound up with less money either way.
  • He then decided to kiss and make up when he saw an election coming up. Trouble is, people still hate him for cutting the budget and raising taxes. During the election campaign of 2009, as a solution, everybody pledged to cut the budget and either cut or raise taxes; at least one opponent of Corzine (someone with the unimaginative name of Chris Christie) decided to try cutting both, but he's only really able to do that by outsourcing everybody to China. Unfortunately, that ain't Politically Correct, so he (shhh!) can't say that out loud!
  • Of course, this is one time New Jerseyans probably hope the politicians are at least partially full of hot air as people always claim they are.

Trivia[edit]

  • He is the only governor in the United States of America who has a beard (and more folks really should be wearing beards).
  • He was also the only member of the United States Senate with a beard.
  • He is the only governor in the United States personally battling three sexually transmitted diseases simultaneously with antiviral drug cocktails.
  • He was allergic to seat belts, but then one bit him in the ass and cured him.
  • Jon Corzine not only supports tasering seven year olds, he does it as a hobby.

See also[edit]

References[edit]

External links[edit]

Preceded by:
Frank Lautenberg the Good
United States Senate Whore (Class 1) from Naboo
2001–Current
Succeeded by:
N/A